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After a long debate with myself, I went to see my A bf after work today. I miss the person, not the alcohol.
I knew it would be hard to see him, that he would try to manipulate me to accept his drinking, but I decided to visit him hoping I would catch him in a sober state. A bf was fairly sober saying he missed me and doesn't want to lose me and he loves me. I told him what I have told him over and over, that I need him to stop drinking. That I love him too but I cannot live the rest of my life watching him drink. I told him I had made the decision that I cannot, will not live with his drinking.
A bf says he is going to stop drinking. I know his actions will speak louder than any words he says so I remain hopeful but resigned to the fact that I will have to keep him at arms length and maintain the no drinking around me boundary. Overall, I feel like it was a good visit. It felt good to see him and I do not feel like I compromised any of my boundaries.
Did he tell you when he was going to stop drinking?
Did he tell you where he was going for that help?? Whenever the XA would say he was going to stop drinking, I would have an AA pamphlet ready for him the Tele# written someplace on it. And casually give it to him. After 3 years of AA, he finally quit, he's been 2 months sober. What was the purpose of the visit other than you missed him. How was it a good vist? Honeypie, write this stuff down now, lol.
You told him what you need of him, to stop drinking. Now lets see if he wants the same thing....
keep holding your boundaries, if thats what you want.
You know, he didn't actually tell me when he was going to stop drinking. He did show me a pamphlet he picked up with AA meetings and times listed in it. He got the pamphlet so I thought that was a good sign but now I'm not so sure after reading your response.
I felt it was a good visit because I don't feel like I gave into any manipulation but maybe I was manipulated into having hope? So maybe I am a fool again? Wow and I felt pretty good and it turns out I am naive.
I do not want to relax my boundaries. So I need to not see him at all is what you are saying?
I didnt mean for my post to make you feel naive or bad. So sorry.
Im not here to tell you what you should or should not do. Whatever you do or decide is up to you.
All I was trying to say is that action speaks volume's and I hope for his sake he will go to AA, you didnt mention that he had a pamphlet for AA, that is good.
Ok, I hear what you are saying. Keep the focus on me, not him. Remember I have no control over alcohol and keep focusing on my needs and turn bf over to HP. Apparently this is something I am going to have to keep working over and over until it finally sinks in and becomes second nature.
-- Edited by Honeypie on Thursday 3rd of March 2011 08:31:02 PM
Yup - turning it over was certainly the hardest part for me. In the beginning of my recovery, I'd make the decision to turn it over ... and an hour later, my sick mind would have me taking it back. I'd swear I was NOT going to call or text "just to say hi" (which was ALWAYS just an excuse to check up, if I'm honest with myself) ... and an hour later I'd be doing the thing I swore I wouldn't. That was just my addiction - I was addicted to his issues.
The cool thing was that the more I grew in recovery, the easier it became to see when I was taking it back - and the easier it was to give it right back to HP instead of holding on to it. There have been many days where I've asked my HP to take it from me and then made the decision that I could leave it turned over for an hour. And then in an hour, I could make the decision to turn it over for another hour. And so on. In the beginning, one day at a time was too much but I could do an hour. And now I can do a day - and TODAY is the only day that matters.
Keep turning him over. When you find yourself wanting to take it back, pick up the phone and call a program friend or go get coffee or for a walk. In my experience, when I got busy (on my own recovery and on living my own life), I got better.
Good job, and it's awesome to see your recovery growing!
Your bf has to want to stop drinking for himself. He can't do it for you because he misses you. He can't do it for any reason other than he has to want it. Words with no actions are hollow. He is going to do what he is going to do. What's important..... what are you going to do.
I will tell you what I did. I turned my AW over to my HP 100% over two years ago. I got out of their way. I didn't and haven't taken her back once. I love her and we will be married 19 years March 5Th. But her drinking is not my problem. Not my concern. I have no control, I am powerless. I turned her over to a power much greater than myself, my HP. I trust my decision, have faith in my decision, and know I made the right decision. Since that day I have put all the focus on myself and my recovery. I have serenity, peace of mind and know that I did the best thing for both of us.
What good did all the worrying, stressing and suggestions over the years accomplish.....nothing. Turning someone over to your HP is one thing. Turning them over to your HP and not taking them back is another....It works every time. I just hate it took years for it to sink in to my thick, sick head.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 3rd of March 2011 09:23:33 PM
Instead of asking if he's going to stop (which is too much for most active alcoholics to ponder at first), it might be a good idea to ask if he wants help. If he says yes to that...there is a hotline for him to call...or I don't know if you know anyone who is sober and in AA...but THOSE are the people who need to be 12th stepping him into recovery. He needs to want what they have and to work for it. That is how AA works.
By the time I went to my first AA meeting...I felt totally dead on the inside and that every area of my life was spiraling into a big mess. I felt I had no other options left. I had already called the AA hotline a few times drunk while pondering the idea of sobriety. It took one big drunken car crash to really get me to go to a meeting. My point in sharing this is that my bottom was not that low in comparison to many other people's stories I have heard in AA...I don't know what it's going to take for your BF to hit bottom but that bottom has to be his.....nothing much you or I can do but show him where the solution is when he chooses it. Whether you stick around while he makes up his mind, progresses further into the disease, or chooses recovery from this moment on is entirely up to you. Alcohol is his master...it does not have to be yours regardless of what you decide.
It is so hard when you love and miss someone so much. Now just remember even if he is sober and goes to AA for a while, it may not be all smooth sailing. The dry drunk can be as difficult and in my experiance worse then the drinking BF. Good luck and stay positive.
