The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Saying no is something I have always struggled with. A woman in my f2f meetings says that "NO" is a complete sentence, and does not require justification or softening or sugar coating.
The sugar coating is what I saw in my family of origin. When I saw my mom interact with other people (not me or my sister - if it was either of us asking the question, the answer was always "no" before the question was even finished - lol), she would laugh a tinkly little laugh and then launch into a long conversation where the word "no" was never actually used, but I knew she was saying no. I don't know if the people she was talking to knew it, though.
For a few years before I got into the program, I'd regularly be frustrated or overwhelmed when people would ask me to do things and then not understand that I'd said "no" and give me projects anyway. Sometimes I'd relay conversations to my best friend and complain that I said no but the person didn't understand. She'd think about it and then ask, "Umm...Summer...where in there did you actually say "no?" I didn't hear NO in there at all! Is it possible that the other person didn't understand that you meant no?" I was always frustrated by this - I thought the implied "no" was crystal clear. :)
Saying no still isn't always easy or comfortable, but the more I do it, the more confident I become in the belief that I have the right to feel however I feel.
I struggle with saying "NO". I am afraid people will not like me anymore. Afraid they will get mad. Afriad people will say "NO" when I need something. I've done things against my better jugement in the past. I now say "Let me think about it", or "I'll get back to you".
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Take it one day at a time. If that is too much take it a minute at a time.
Forget about "I'm sorry...For me NO is the hardest word to say...especially to my AH....I'm practicing and reminding myself that sometimes NO is in my best interest...Congratulations that's quite a break through....Good Luck
This is a very good thread...Great input. I also had the same problems and used the same processes until I got into program and learned from "Keep it simple". When I keep it simple the other person(s) can clearly see my intention and response. It doesn't cut them off from asking questions or giving me more input and the clearest simplest way of responding to them is respectful as I don't leave double messages laying all over the place nor do I use No as a NO!! and slam the door in their faces. No for me is not right now. It's not an I can't It is an I won't participate ...for now. If I have the time I'm open to more information and listening because I need to allow myself to learn, grow and participate within the lives around me. I don't do hard, angry, frightful, fearful NO!s anymore. No is a complete sentence and can be said from within love for them and for myself. ((((hugs))))
