The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Your boundaries and what you decide is tolerable in a relationship is just that....yours. You don't have to justify anything. There are a million responses to that statement. Mostly, I find going with the honest one is the best. So, he is going to try and turn it on you...make it like you suddenly developed this problem when you knew all along...Don't buy into it. In the end it doesn't matter if you knew he was a full blown alcoholic from the start...that doesn't necessarily obligate you to be bound to him or tolerate untolerable behavior.
I'm learning that I'm a human being and as such my opinions on things will evolve and change through experiences and new information that sometimes will only come with time.
I knew my exAH drank, too, when were dating. I even knew he'd gone to AA for a while. I knew he started drinking again... but what I didn't know was what exactly the disease of alcoholism was like. I didn't have the warning bells going off in my head knowing he'd been in AA before and yet was drinking. I didn't know the disease was progressive. I didn't know the cunning, baffling and powerful behaviors that went alongside the disease.
That said, I've learned that talking to the disease about the disease never really gets my anywhere. I've learned alcoholism loves to dangle bait in front of me with remarks like "you knew I drank when we met", hoping that will spark an argument in which the disease is already choosing to justify itself and dig its heals in further.
Sometimes a simple statement, "You're right." is all that's needed. I at least own my part of the conversation, I stick with the facts without adding a "but" to it. Just... "you're right". Doesn't mean the A will back down, but at least I manage to bat the bait away by staying true to myself with an honest answer and avoid an argument by adding accusations.
Oh I've heard that before...It must be in THEIR book somewhere. The funniest one I heard was "You're leaving? Well i wish you had told me this 20 years ago"...lol
HI Irish well I have to say that statement has been said to me also .....geez so glad you posted. i didnt know what to say either. My best thinking at the time was "well you knew I didn't". poor response to the disease....I too have learned to say "youre right" and just walk away.
