The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so frusturated right now with my ab. We've just hit our one year mark and he has 7 months sober. I've never met anyone as selfish as he is. It's like a completely seperate entity from his addiction or sobriety or anything else. I don't understand how he can always put himself first or do or say or buy things when I am clearly upset about it. It's like he's immune to my response. And, for example, were sharing a car right now and I will need it to go somewhere, like school, but he wants to do something and he can't come outright and say that he wants me to resolve the issues or inconvience myself so he just hints around like "I'd really like to do this...." "I wish there was a way this could work...." I shouldn't feel bad for also needing to use the car.
And my feelings are completely undervalued.
He only thinks about what he went through when he relapsed. He says he thinks about me, but I don't think he has any idea how devestating that is for someone to watch or how my emotional damage isn't going to go away overnight like he wishes it would. Or how many changes I've made to be supportive. Although I believe they are healthier decisions I threw away an entire group of friends. I don't go to bars anymore, and I don't want to, but it's not as easy for me to find friends who aren't out drinking constantly. I'm only 24, I feel like that's what everyone's doing.
I don't understand how I am supposed to live like that?
Just wondering does the selfishness ever subside? I feel awful saying it, I love him, I want to be with him, but it seems to me that loving an addict carries a lot of extra burden and I'm not sure I'd be able to commit for the rest of my life.
Getting into the Al-Anon Family Groups will help you understand a great deal and also how to self love so that you can take care of your own needs without having to tip toe on egg shells around someone else's. Most times I hated feeling like I was in 2nd place to the alcoholic I hated even more feeling that I put myself there. There is no reason to place your self second when you have the time, ability and facilities to get your own needs met. You are responsible for that. If you're not attending face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings I'd highly suggest it. Call the hot line in your local phone book white pages and find out the place and times we meeting and come sit with us. Browse the literature table and pick up what we read also and listen, learn and practice. In support (((((hugs)))))
Does the selfishness ever subside? I don't have personal experience (yet, hopefully I will) will the selfishness subsiding. My husband is in rehab right now and although he recognizes his selfishness (when sober), and tries (when sober) not to be selfish...he is far from reaching that. When I met him, we were 22 or 23, and I thought he was one of the most selfless people I had ever known, always caring about others, doing things for others, almost to a fault (I now recognize) but I loved that about him! It still blows my mind that he went from the most selfLESS, to the most selfish, person ever.
That's just a character defect that goes hand in hand with addiction.
I do know that if the alcoholic is in recovery and working a strong program, living the program, with time, they will learn to be less selfish.
As for not coming outright and saying want he wants. Wow, can I ever relate. It used to drive me nuts. I just accept it now...and try to ignore it and not let it bother me. I figure, if he really wants whatever it is he's hinting at, he'll say it, or ask, not pitter patter around the bush for an hour. If not, well then, it must not have been that important. "I'd really like to go here" "I wish there was a way I could play my video game" "I only have 2 smokes left, I'm stressed about not having any smokes".... blah blah..about everything.
I think most addicts are passive-aggressive, or, just aggressive either verbally or physically, when drunk (My AH is verbally aggressive when drunk...that's when it ALL comes out!).
In recovery, they learn to be assertive. In my experience anyway, from what I see and hear. My husband also told me that he works hard on this in rehab....learning to be assertive and asking, nicely, directly, for what he wants/needs. Not hinting, not getting mad for not having whatever it is, not subtly in a round about way saying something hoping the person catches on, but being assertive.
Alanon is doing wonders for me. I resisted it at first, for a long time, I did not want to be on of those people, but I realized I WAS one of those people, whether I liked it or not! lol And, I'm so grateful I came back and stuck around this time. Just the understanding alone is incredible. But, learning the tools to do work on myself, focus on myself, helps me to not go insane...but instead, be grateful, not resent my AH and my life and hate the world and throw myself countless pity parties like I used to!
I hope you stick around! :)
Danielle
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Tuesday 1st of March 2011 11:50:18 PM
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Tuesday 1st of March 2011 11:51:06 PM
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Tuesday 1st of March 2011 11:51:41 PM
7 months is not a long time sober....it's great but it is still pretty fresh on the wagon. If he works the steps it might help a lot. Other than that, he will learn and grow through his awful 2nd adolescence within the next few years. Whether you want to put up with that growth period along with him is for you to decide. I am just telling you how it worked for me. I am 2 years and 5 months sober and still find myself thinking about me...making things all about me...and generally still overly consumed with me me me and furthermore....me. The difference is now I recognize it where before I thought the problem was everyone else :)
