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Hi everyone, thought I would come and share. I have behaved really unacceptably towards my sober ABF. I did a self esteem course and it brought up all my ingrained beliefs and my sickness (co dependency). A lady was questioning my beliefs that I have to be strong, fix it, basically do every thing its all up to me. I just could not see the woods for the trees I kept saying but I have to the kids only hav me, my ex husband is a active compulsive gambler and my current partner of 6 years is in early sobriety. She kept working with me to help me identify how I have been abusing myself ignoring my own needs etc putting to much pressure on myself.
I broke down was really upset with what I have put myself through. When I left I began to get angrier and angrier thinking how al sorts of people over the years have taken advantage of my sickness caregiving and how I allowed it all. But the worse was yet to come I started taking it out on my sober ABf ignoring his call, being cold when we did speak. I finally snapped last night and this morning told him he was just another selfish person who wanted his needs meeting and did not not care about me. He kept telling me to ring someone from al anon and I actually said no cause they will just help me to see it from your point. Wow when I finally used an al anon tool and picked up the phone I felt terrible, of course a few minutes on the phone with an old timer flushed away my stinkig thinking. Its like he is getting better and I am finally realising how sick I am and how much I blame and focus on others to deny my sickness. I rang and apologised he said he was angrey because he had been questioning what kind of person he was and that he had felt like a drink he has been sober for 6 months today. I know I can not make him drink its his choice but changed attitudes do aid recovery I am seriously thinking he is better off away from me. Sorry to go on its a bit of a step four addmitting to you all what I have done now all I need to do is tell hp and hand it over thanks for listening.
hugs tracy xx
-- Edited by Tracy on Saturday 26th of February 2011 11:11:09 AM
Hi Tracy - Some of what you write sounds like something I'd write, I'm shaking my head and disagreeing with the lady questioning your "beliefs". I'd been the sole bread winner and only person I could rely on to make sure that things were done, bills paid, repairs handled, emergencies dealt with for five years before I met and married my AH (not knowing he was an A of course) and circumstances deteriorated quickly enough for me to never really give up the reigns on the self-reliance horse. Given your history I'm thinking 6 months is not enough time sober to warrant you not continuing to protect yourself and your kids. While I agree you could have found a gentler way to discuss your fears and concerns with him but I wouldn't fault myself for still needing to ensure things get done.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
1. Someone who may not be in Recovery (don't know the situation) taking your inventory.
2. You worked your program (eventually) and called an Al-anon member.
3. Clarity on your Abf's part for seeing that your behavior was unrelated to him and that you needed to call your al-anon friends
I've noticed that people who read a lot of "self-esteem" self-help books, but who are not in recovery, are really good at taking other's inventories. I even had a person who shared that they were a counselor in acoa 12-step group that admitted to this. She said that she was guilty of choosing the profession of "counseling" because her own childhood had been so screwed up and that she had learned her "care-taking" behaviors from "caring" for her alcoholic parents.
Awareness is the key on your part. You see the co-dependency issues and were there to get help for yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back! Also, you saw that you possibly over-reacted to your Abf and called to apologize, again ... give yourself a pat on the back.
Your Abf, initially, saw that what you needed to do was call your al-anon friends, that it wasn't so much about him, as it was about you. Give him a pat-on-the-back. I also "ran" from ex-non-A bf because I didn't think "I" was good enough for him. (see my post on 'bad-boys') So I'm not sure that your thinking (or mine) that "he is better off away from me" is true. Just something for you (and me) to think about.
Hang in there, ODAAT, Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
When the both of you come out the other side of this one you will know that your programs work. I learned to allow my others to get crazy and not take it personal. I also learned to throw a fit and apologize honestly for my part in it. With Al-Anon we get at times to crash and burn and walk away from it better off. Put yourself on the forgiveness list Tracy...your HP already has. ((((hugs))))
