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My abf of almost 9yrs and I recently separated. My choice. I had started moving forward with my life, got a second job, reached out to friends and began working my program from the beginning. Then panic set in. I lost my second job, started drowning in my pity pool and begged him to come home. He "took control" and decided that he didn't think it could work, that I was too controlling and I wanted him to be someone he wasn't. I gave him a deadline for removing his belongings from our home, as I have a roommate ready to move in. He has been avoiding coming here and making excuses for not coming. His deadline is this weekend. He says he will be here. He also told me that he would go with me to my next counseling appt. which is something that my counselor has suggested in the past. I haven't asked him to come back home for weeks, as I am not so panicked anymore and believe that though they are very small steps, I am moving forward. I do love him, I do miss him, and though I should know better, I still want to have hope for US. I feel so many mixed emotions...so many questions. I believe he is trying to take his own small steps and by agreeing to counseling with me, he has hope for us as well. I know that being apart has dimmed some of the craziness for me, and weirdly or not so weirdly, makes the good shine so much brighter. I've journaled and I know..... I am having such a hard time trying to figure this out, logically, I know, but emotionally is so much more difficult...add a splash of hope and ....well, I just don't know. Beneath the disease is a great man..I know, I've seen him...I've loved him...and I want him. Theres so much more to say, but this is long enough already... seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Hi Jeannie. I hear you and totally understand how, as you say, logically, you know, but add in the emotions, mixed with hope, and maybe the remembering of a good day....and well, now you don't know.
From my experience, I can say that it always sucked when - there would be a good day/couple days, or amount of separation, and I would totally forget the utter craziness, panic, anxiety, stress, and intense fear ect.. that I would feel whenever my AH was messed up - but, I would forget those feelings, or denial would sink in more thickly, then once again, another drunken incident would happen, and I would wonder - How could I possibly have forgotten how insane this is! But, I still have hope, I still have hope the AH will come home from rehab and surrender this time...
This disease is just pure madness.
Also, I remember a 1.5 years ago (when my AH's alcoholism was becoming more clear and my denial was going away), I remember my AH flipped everything around on me (and I let him as I had zero confidence or belief in myself). I had just found out he had an emotional affair with a woman he went to school with who now lived elsewhere, they talked on the phone every night for 2-4 hours - my AH would get drunk and talk to her all night, this was when he was really truly starting to lose himself and the disease started to take over. I confronted him about the cheating, he denied it, I supplied the proof I had gathered, then he started crying and admitted it. I told him her or me. pick. He didn't know. He didn't know!!! He said me, but then went on to say that he isn't happy, this is not working, he doesn't know if I am the one for him ect... My heart exploded, I couldn't eat for days, I was so sick and depressed, my husband went and stayed with a friend for 4 days so he could drink and talk to her in peace.
Before you knew it I found myself apologizing for things I shouldn't apologize for, I said sorry for nagging about drinking, I said sorry for not doing this enough, or doing that too much, I cried about how much I loved him and wanted us to be happy. I was apologizing when it should have been him (or at least not only me).
So, he screwed up, BIG time, and I ended up being the one saying sorry not stopping for one second to think about what I deserve or want.
It makes you lose yourself... wow.
You signed off by "seeking peace"... maybe ask yourself: when are you most at peace?
Stay strong and be true to yourself, keep working at it. All we can do is take it day by day and do the best with what we know.
Thank You Danielle! It's like you've walked in my shoes! I am trying so hard to stay strong, and sometimes I am strong for more than a few minutes at a time. I am afraid that when I see him, I won't be able to be strong and that my heart will lead instead of my head. Before I read your post, I felt shame that I so shamelessly begged and was so willing to accept the blame and responsibility for all that happened.... I know now that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I may not have always made the right choices but I know that if nothing else, I made them out of pure love and desire to help him be healthy. Right now, I am not at peace with him or without him. Are you and your husband together?
seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Hi Jeannie. Glad I was able to offer something for you. Ugg do I ever know what you mean about worrying that your heart will lead instead of your head. I SO shamelessly begged and pleaded and cried and was also willing, and for a while, actually believed, that I played the major role in him cheating, that it was somehow my fault. I remember thinking: If I paid better attention, if I didn't spend so much time downstairs doing whatever I would have noticed sooner, if I asked him how he was more often, if I wasn't late picking him up from wherever (cause I used to always be late and it irritated him), if blah blah blah... But, really, he cheated as an escape, as a way to make himself feel better cause drinking and alcoholism was destroying him, he hated himself....and so he drank and talked to her because she was safe, she had no idea about anything so he could pretend to be the most confident together person in the world with her.
Yes, my husband and I are together although I am considering leaving him (for now), or at least being physically apart for a while. I am also 90% sure I'm selling our house (can't afford it after all his debt (which I ignorantly and foolishly took on), stealing, and no second income since September). I have a Realtor coming on Monday for a free market evaluation.
He has been in 'crisis' mode, where his addiction exploded, ever since September 2010. He was suicidal and spend 2 weeks in a psych ward. 4 days after he came home, he started drinking again, and this time, it was 10X worse than before. He got fired from his job, could have gotten unemployment insurance, but did nothing about it. Then, around the holidays, he passed out at work and they thought he was dead - called 911, he spend the night in the hospital, he came home the next day crying about how he can't ever drink again, it's killing him. He drank again. He went to detox about a week later (was there over Christmas). Then, he was home for a week and a half before his first rehab. He got kicked out of rehab after 2 weeks for taking Vicodin. He came home, withing a week, was drunk again every night - now, also drunk and high on Vicodin (a new addiction). He went back to detox a few weeks ago - 10 days - then from there went straight to rehab which is where he will be until March 22, I believe.
I love him, SO much, and want more than anything for him to get sober but I KNOW that I'm so sick, probably sicker than he is, and even if he is sober for the rest of his life, I NEED Alanon....or else I will go crazy.
I, myself, am more at peace without my husband (meaning when he is gone, away at detox or rehab). I'm so much happier minus all the crazy crisis crap every night and it allows me to better focus on me, on my healing, alanon, ect... without worrying so much about him (as I know he is safe in rehab). Although, we talk briefly every night just about and I look forward to his calls, and miss him and love talking to him when he's sober.
This is just my opinion but counceling while still drinking is a joke ,practicing alcoholics dont know the truth about much of anything . Focus on yourself you are after all the only one you can change . this truly is a disease and it , like the AA big book says can be arrested never cured once an alcoholic always and alcoholic , can they change ? yes with concentrated effort and honesty on thier part they can . We have 20 yrs of sobreity in my home and lots of positive changes for both of us . my husb was not the only one who had to change I did too . If your not already find Al-Anon meetings for yourself and take care of you .
Hi again. What Abbyal wrote above with regards to counseling, I had the same experience. My active AH and I went to a therapist about a month after his emotional affair was discovered which was about the same time my eyes snapped open to the alcoholism. It was pointless, utterly pointless, and I wasted thousands of dollars on it. In my experience, when they are still drinking, they are not capable of rational thought, of thinking about anything other than themselves, and drinking, really. And a big part of addiction is blaming everyone else for everything so...ya, it did not one shred of good.
Sure, maybe my AH would say he 'got' something, or he would say he understood where I was coming from, or say sorry, but....his action never, NEVER matched his words. Looking back, I think I continued with the therapy for as long as I did hoping that it would be the answer, hoping that it would help fix my husband. Nope. I did benefit from my own individual therapy though...even though, at the time, I was still in denial about my own issues and I think at the time I still figured everything would be fixed if only my husband would stop drinking. I remember my therapist always trying to get me to focus back on me instead of my rambling on about my husband and why did he do this and that! lol. I did pretty quickly start talking more and more about me...and it helped. I don't think I had the best therapist I could have found for my situation, but she did urge me toward Alanon, and introduced me to the book Co-Dependent No More so for that, it was worth it.
