The material presented
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Am I suppose to ignore my addicted husband's denial? I sent him out of the house to get help, he's getting it, but cannot come back until I feel ready for him to return home. My condition is that he is to be an actively recovering person if he chooses to live with me and the kids. He has discovered his childhood traumas and his co-dependency issues are the core of his problems; however, he keeps skipping over the fact that he is an addict and alcoholic despite that - and he just minimizes it. It kills me to hear him talk about going to CODA meetings and not AA or NA meetings. I believe that he sees the label of an addict as a hit to his ego, but if he's acting as a co-dependent, that label is much better sounding. I see him soaking in the pity of others: Awww...he's just doing too much for everyone else and lost himself in it. I just believe he's hiding in one program to avoid the one he needs to be in. I have a hard time letting go of what he's doing as it directly affects me as his wife. No only do we have children together, we also have a business with 50 employees - so alot is riding on his recovery....HELP!!
I have heard a speaker say that alcoholics live in delusion *no problems* and that denial is a step up ,they know they have a problem but arent ready to address it yet . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need support there are things that we can do to improve our lives and those of our children and occasionally the alcoholic will be encouraged by the changes we make they will follow into AA for themselves. it says in our literature that changed attitudes can aide recovery and they don't mean thiers ,they mean our attitudes , we enablers we lie for them ,we cover up thier misakes , we believe the lies and put up with crappy behavior and until we stop doing those things nothing is going to change . letting go dosent have to mean leaving a relationship for me its simply finally understanding that I have no control over other people or the choices they make so I have to accept them for who they are and step aside stop trying to control someone elses life while I get mine back .
Welcome to Alanon, While its very true that part of the disease of Alcholism is denial, its not up to us to point out why they drink. Lots of people have childhood traumas and they dont turn to drink. If you ask an alcoholic who has been sober for any length of time why they started to drink again, they wouldnt be able to tell you. So getting at the root of a drinkers problem does not stop the drinking. That is completely the drinkers problem to figure out.
Of course as wives, girlfriends and family members of alcoholics, their drinking affects us adversely.
Therefore , Alanon exists for us , to find serenity in the midst of such chaos. We find that no amount of pleading prodding, forcing, controlling, will stop an alcoholic from doing what he is compulsed to do, unless the decision comes from them, that has been my 28 years of experience with the XAH .
Alanon's purpose is to focus on YOU and not the drinker. It helps us figure out also why we are so obsessed with the Alcholic complying to our wishes and to recognize that they have a disease. Just like any other chronic disease, you cant just snap your fingers and its gone. I have Diabetis, I can control it, but it will always be there, it will never go away, just like the disease of Alcoholism.
I hope that you keep coming back, read the experience of all that have gone before you and walked in your shoes.
All my best, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 16th of February 2011 05:46:34 PM
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I will be attending a meeting tonight. I feel greatful to have everyone here at times that I need someone, but a meeting isn't available. I think that living in the day is also key for me because my mind goes crazy thinking the "what if..." I love the saying that goes: The Past is the Past, you can't do anything to change it; the Future hasn't happend yet; but today is a gift from God that's why it's called the "Present".
Given the prospect of losing a marriage and a business...a non alcoholic or nonaddict would just stop drinking or using. But....I don't expect him to see the reason in that statement. Yes...codependeny and various traumas are at the root of some alcoholics' behavior. But once the switch is flipped from problem drinking to alcoholism...it's a done deal. They say you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber. There are skills and specific things he needs to learn to avoid taking the first drink and to stay sober. The CoDA program will not teach that. Of course it sounds like you know this. Alanon is the place to turn for help for you. I can't say how you could or should "let go" but the answers are there in Alanon for you to find out most likely.
Welcome to the MIP family. The best singular piece of "advice" I got here was to leave his recovery up to him and his HP and concentrate on mine. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it.
Letting go and detaching with love, doesn't mean you leave the relationship or you stop caring. I stayed in mine. I always said I loved my late husband Tim but hated the disease. How he recovered and the way he worked his recovery, or not was none of my business. I had to concentrate on mine. Once I got the hang of that life became so much easier. I felt empowered. Keep working on your recovery and you will see the change in you and how you handle things. They don't call this Miracles in Progress for nothing. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
