The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, after months and months of continuously losing myself, fighting depression, anger, sadness, etc., because of my agony and obsession for my boyfriend's addiction, I finally see the light. I picked up a book for myself (two days ago) called Codependent No More, and was ABSOLUTELY blown away at how co-dependent I have been throughout almost EVERY relationship in my life. I couldn't believe that in just a few short paragraphs, my entire outlook on myself and everyone around me had changed. (Everyone at the moment meaning my addict boyfriend.) At first I feel euphoric, wow, it's ME! If I just change the way I think and act upon his addiction and actions, everything WILL be ok. I have the power to let go. I have the control to change this situation into something bearable for me just based on my aproach! (which up to this point has been entirely wrong). Then, I get completely depressed, wow, it's ME! I am making it worse for myself AND for him. Catch 22?! So, I sit with him and say, I figured it out. All of this time and energy I have spent being obsessed with your addiction, trying to control you addiction, getting angry at you for your addiction, has been wrong. I explain to him that I now know, I need to concentrate and worry about myself. So, I'm thinking as I'm going on and on to him about how excited I am because I CAN be happy, he get's defensive and confused. "I don't understand a word you are saying" he says. "Anyone can look in that book and think they are codependent. You've been telling me for months that it's me, my addiction is causing all of these problems. Your not making any sense, how can you now say that's its you and not me? I think this book is rediculous." My frusteration grows, why don't you understand what i'm saying? Your addiction is there, it's not going away, but I FINALLY understand I can't change it for you, I haven't yet and I won't in the future. Then I understand and say, "Ok, well, you don't have to get it because this is now about me and not you." We ended the night in akward silence. He feels so guilty because of the dpression I have gone through since the discovery of his addiction. Then, when I feel like there is an answer for me, I try to share it, and he still feels guilty? Even slightly angry because he thinks I am over-analyzing everything?! I suppose this means I should just be happy with my new found knowledge, and learn to let all of the rest go...
I think one of the things of us figuring out how to help ourselves into become well again, is very threatening for the alcoholic. They don't want to be "left behind." Learning the tools of how to live again is enpowering for us, but it puts the responsibility of their addiction back on them and they don't like it. Use the tools that you are learning to work on you.... you just may be pleasantly surprised that your boyfriend will take back his responsibility and start working on himself. And if he doesn't, that is his choice. You can choose to be a whole, happy person again, whether he is actively drinking or not.
There is a mighty fine line between healthy and unhealthy love. In applying the term Codependent...just be careful not to label all of your caring as pathological. I felt the same when when I first started reading about codependency, but then I felt like I was so screwed up that I couldn't even care about people normally. While the realization of codepedency is a good thing....just don't forget you have healthy caring attributes as well.
An easy way of framing the whole conflict you described is to just remember his job is to learn about his addiction and to stay sober. Yours is to learn about being a healthy support and/or a healthy person on your own despite his addiction. That may be too simplistic and it might not work for you and him but it's a thought... dunno.
Faith..... remember your trying to have a logical conversation with an illogical person. Active addiction is not about dealing with logical anything. Did you ever hear the saying.."your going to the hardware store looking for bread".
I just keep going back and forth, between how great this realization is, the realization that I can make myself happy because he isn't going to. And the fact that, well, he isn't going to. I thought so intensly for such a long time that I could make a difference to him. Knowing I can't, It's liberating, and extremely depressing at the same time.
Still sounds like it's a great realization for you Faith... the only problem is that you "went to the hardware store for a loaf of bread", in that you went to an active A for validation and expecting a heartfelt response....
Many (most?) active A's are focussed on one thing, and that is to keep their addiction going strong, and are quite adept at blaming anyone convenient for their issues, rather than facing them internally....
You say "I figured out some of my issues".... He hears "ahh, it is all YOUR fault, so get off my back about my drinking".....
The awareness, for YOU, is a good one.... You will be better off with it, and your awareness is growing by leaps and bounds.... Keep coming back...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
(((HUGS))) I am no expert by any means but it sounds like a pretty typical reaction from an addict. You may think you were trying to control the addict (and in some ways we do try to do that) but essentially many addicts are controlling of us with their emotions and manipulations. My Mom and my Ex-AH both know what buttons to push to make me feel like crap. I am a pretty confident person...most people are very surprised when I tell them about any insecurity I have. But those addicts in my life always found a way to find those insecurities and use them against me. Thats how they control us. Your boyfriend probably doesn't want you to come to any realizations. At least thats how it was with my experience. When my ex wouldn't admit to having a problem let alone get any help, I asked him to attend marriage counseling with me. I thought maybe a counselor could get through to him. He refused to go...that is until several months later when I had about gone off the deep end and decided to attend counseling alone. Right away he wanted to attend we me but his purpose wasn't to help our marriage. It was to control me. When we were with the counselor he'd attack every issue I had and would deny, deny, deny. After several visits together the counselor called me one day and asked if I'd like to meet with her alone. She knew what was up! Addicts want us to be co-dependent on them because otherwise we won't be around to be guilted and have everything projected back onto us. Your realization may threaten him and that's probably why he had that reaction.
On another note, CONGRATS on coming to that realization. I came to the same one a couple years ago but just now decided I need to do the work to finally change it!
You say "I figured out some of my issues".... He hears "ahh, it is all YOUR fault, so get off my back about my drinking...."
Yep - sounds about right.
I am learning every day, and making mistakes every day, and then trying to learn from those the next day... and one thing I KNOW and try never to do - is go to my H for any sort of understanding whatsoever...nevermind explaining what I go through or what I've learn't ect...
It is so hard for me tho to let go of that, I know there's no point in talking to him about that stuff, but sometimes I do (always with regrets) because I;m still holding on to my belief that your husband and partner should be someone you can talk to!! And he used to be that person and I miss that more than words can say. But, then again, I'm still here, I can change that, get healthy, find a healthy person eventually, but... I don't (yet) so... therefore, I can't whine about it! ;) (but I still do sometimes anyway!)...
I can say that, even in sobriety...I went through a period of a year or more when I literally could not stop obsessing and thinking about myself. It did pass (mostly lol) as I worked the steps. The steps are there to help create the change that allows alcoholics to function normally in relationships and then in society. I agree that the active drinker is always going to respond to a situation like this as described above, but just wanted to state that there is hope and tremendous change that happens when an alcoholic truly works a program of recovery...though it does take time and it's a MAJOR adjustment for wives and other family.
