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I am new to this website and forum. My husband did not drink THAT much when we met...I would have called it socially, but then again, I was young (still am), naive (perhaps still am as well) and probably too in love to notice. After we had a baby almost a year and a half ago, his drinking increased and increased. If he is not at work, he always has a beer in his hand. He is a functioning alcoholic in that he goes to work and does a great job, but I cannot say that he is a functioning husband and father because he has become verbally abusive to me, spends hours in the garage with his ice chest, doesn't drive anywhere once he gets home from work, I won't leave the baby with him to go to the store or anything due to his forgetfulness/clumsiness once he starts drinking, etc... I am not here to complain however, but rather ask for opinions. Last night my husband said he's going to stop. Not the first time I've heard it, but definitely the first time he seemed like he had an action plan. He said he wants to come home from work every day this week, go for a run maybe, eat dinner and immediately go to bed. He says he needs to do this for five days and then he will not feel like he has to drink anymore. This is why I alluded to myself as young and naive...I have never had any experiences with an alcoholic before. If he were to do as he says, would this actually work? It seems too "easy"...not that it will feel easy to him, I'm sure, but it seems that everyone else has to do through rehab to detox themselves...is his plan really valid or is it another empty promise? He admitted that he knows he will not live much longer if he continues to drink the way he has and that he doesn't know why he drinks because he is happy with his life. He says he does not need to check himself into any program and that he is capable of doing it himself. I'm not really buying it, which makes me feel bad.
If his plan doesn't work, I know that I have to stop enabling and covering up what he does, but I don't really know how. I thought about taking the baby and staying with his family until he decides to do something about his problem, but they live an hour and a half away and I have a full time job that would make this impossible. My family is not an option because, although they live closer which would make traveling to work possible, they are already not too fond of my husband because of things he has said to them (after drinking of course), and they would never forgive him if they found out he was an alcoholic. But I'm starting to think that I need to leave with the abby in order for hi to realize the seriousness of the situation and know that I am not there to buy his beer, clean up his messes or explain to friends why I am driving us everywhere.
Sorry for the length of this. Just wondering for those of you that are wiser and have been through this longer than I and have seen what works and what doesn't...anyone had any positive results with a "plan" like my H has?
HUGS Welcome to this board. It's a great resource and support group. It's all well and good what your H is saying but really it's better to focus on yourself and your recovery. I've been and sometimes still am where you are. So I can relate.
All I know is detoxing on your own is very dangerous. I have read that detoxing from Alcohol is worse than detoxing from Heroine and can actually cause DT's (Delirium tremens) and even death. Not to scare you. Personally, my AH when he decided he REALLY wanted to quit (this time), he started out at a medical detox facility where he was monitored the whole time and they gave him extra vitamins to help.
I have a 19 month old son and I can really relate to not leaving him with my AH.
Well, whatever he chooses to do, it will be his choice. One thing I've learned on this board is that we have to let them have the dignity to make their own choices. When my AH stopped drinking 15 years ago he quit cold turkey. Just stopped and did not do any type of AA or counseling. Nothing. But, here I am on these boards 15 years into my marriage with a 12 year old and we're back to battling the drink. Of course, my AH still says I'm the one with the problem now and now that he's 44 he can be more mature about how he handles his alcohol. If you had seen him on Saturday, you'd know that was a lie. He was drunk as a skunk and he told me today that he won't be doing that again. Um, not do what? Drink or get that drunk? This program has taught me so far that I don't even need clarification or need an answer, I just have to do what works for me. So, I'm going to find a good counselor, find an Al Anon meeting, and get into healing myself and stop obsessing over HIS problem(which he doesn't even see as a BIG problem, just a minor issue, LOL). I'm going to suggest that you do the same. Instead of focusing on what he's doing or not doing, you need to focus on you and the baby.
As for answering people's questions about why you drive everywhere: I have to drive us everywhere we go, even for 8 hr vacations. I get serious motion sickness that can even kick in when I'm driving so I never even thought there would be another answer to that question. And to answer your last few questions: after going through this merry go round with AH after all these years, I can see now that he should have actually worked a program and been held accountable to someone else, including his HP. Our problem was that even though he quit drinking, he was a dry drunk. He was depressed, had anger issues, control issues, paranoid at times, trust issues with humanity, etc. He has had these issues for the past 15 years on and off, I swear it's seasonal for him. Anyway, maybe if he had worked a program in the beginning and detoxed properly and with help, he might have been a drunk just without the drinking? Or maybe not? I guess I'll never really know but I do know one thing: I should have gotten help for myself a long time ago!
The literature in AA states "We have tried countless ways to drink like regular men. Each attempt was followed by still worse relapse followed then by pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization." So, basically, a person who is in AA (like myself) will tell you that your husband's plan is not going to succeed. I tried exercise, going to bed early, eating dinner right after getting home...always reverted back to drinking. It took a RADICAL change...going to AA and a spiritual awakening coupled with hitting a bottom so hard that I was willing to do anything to get sober.
I don't want you to be discouaged, but this is just what I know from my own experience with my alcoholism.
As far as your own sanity and peace of mind in dealing with this enormous stressor...that is where Alanon comes into play.
I also believe people should have the dignity to make their own choices, but that is the case in ALANON...(and yes, I recognize this is an Alanon board but you are asking AA related questions)...in AA, people DO need to be 12-stepped into the program. People do need intervention....but they need it from other alcoholics in recovery typically. Sometimes it comes from the Law... People don't deserve the "dignity" to verbally abuse you, break laws, and kill themselves. This is why many alcoholics lose their marriages, jobs, and wind up in insititutions prior to getting sober. As the non-alcoholic spouse, you deserve the dignity to decide what you are going to do about this situation and how you are going to handle things.
There is no dignity in ongoing addiction and some people do need to be compelled into recovery. Alanon will help you with being powerless over what he does and the choices he makes, while simulaneously helping you set boundaries as to what is acceptable versus unacceptable to you.
Most of all...Welcome to the board and I am so sorry you are going through this...It must be scary to watch the father of your infant son going down this extremely destructive path.
The physiological side was explained to me at one of my ex-AW's treatment centers, and helped me understand why it is so hard for A's to quit "cold turkey" without help...
Our bodies naturally create endorphins.... Excessive alcoholic intake kills the creation of these endorphins, but the alcohol "fools" the brain/body into believing that endorphins are being created.... When an alcoholic stops drinking, the body goes into panic mode, as there are no endorphins being created (it takes several months for them to re-create themselves naturally)..... The body is craving this endorphin, and thus we have that physical dependance on alcohol....
Part of me says "so what", as knowing the "why" doesn't really change anything, but this simplistic explanation of the physical side of things helped me put it into perspective, and also helped me accept alcoholism as a disease...
Glad you are here
Tom
p.s. there is a great saying..... "your A will either drink or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?" - choose recovery for you, regardless of what he does or doesn't do...
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am glad you have found us. I hope you will look for Al-Anon meetings in your town too. Nothing beats having a face-to-face support group. It's hard to go the first time, but it's worth it. Some meetings have childcare too.
I didn't know much about alcoholism when I first got involved in the insanity that is addiction. I wish I had learned about it much earlier.
Alcoholics are typically in denial about the seriousness of their addiction. The disease likes to protect itself. So things alcoholics may often say are "It's not really a problem, I could stop any time," "I'm not drinking very much anyway," "There's something wrong with you for being so upset about my drinking, when really I'm fine," "I'm going to stop this time," "I have it totally under control," "You can count on me this time," "No, I haven't been drinking!" "You're just paranoid to think I've been drinking," "I've already stopped," "Meetings are for those REAL alcoholics, but I'm not one of them because ... [ add any reason here]," "I don't need to go to meetings because I can stop by myself," -- etc. etc. etc.
Some of these may seem so convincing because the addict believes them himself.
If problem drinkers could stop on their own, they would. The truth is that it's very hard to get and stay sober even with a thorough program of recovery (AA or rehab or other programs). Even with those, most people don't make it -- ever. So you can imagine what the chances are without a full program of support.
My AH told me so many times, with so much conviction, that he had it under control and he was going to stop. He did stop, many times. He always started again. I believed him every time for a long time. I wish someone had told me the statistics early on. It's painful to expect them to get sober, and to be disappointed so many times. I put my life on hold waiting for it to happen. In my case it did not happen.
The good news is that we can get our own recovery without waiting for them. Please get lots of support for yourself. Keep coming back. Hugs to you.
-- Edited by Mattie on Monday 14th of February 2011 04:23:17 PM
Hello and welcome , please look for day time meetings for yourself and take baby with you,you need support from people who understand how your feeling , often there are lunch time meetings for those of us who work , then you wouldnt have to worry about a sitter. As to his wanting to quit drinking well he may be able to pull it off by himself but its tough , and rarley do they manage to keep sobriety with out help from people just like himself but there is nothing you can do about his choices . Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing is going to change by enabling were actually helping them drink , we believe the lies , we lie for them , we make excuses for thier crappy behavior until we stop doing those things there is no reason for them to take responsibility for thier actions . get the focus on yourself and you will be just fine . Louise
Thank you everyone for your responses, wisdom and advice. I really appreciate the warm welcomes too :)
I do make a point to take care of myself and my little one first and I tend to detach myself from H when he is drinking because I really want nothing to do with it. Thanks to all for the info on his "self detoxing." Even though I know I'm not supposed to let it be my problem, I do live there and it's good to know all of those things and what to look out for. I understand that he is going to try to do it his way first, and that's fine. We will just see what transpires from that. He went through with it last night and for one second, then one minute, then one hour, I thought I had my husband back, but I am also not willing to get my hopes up. Although I have not been to a F2F meeting, I understand Al Anon's concept of detachment and not being codependent, but I'm not sure that I'm quite yet ready to withdrawal completely especially if he is making an effort, albeit on his own that will probably not work, and has asked for my emotional support with his effort. If/when he relapses, I will be more willing to detach myself though, because I do not want my daughter seeing this! I will look up meetings in my area though for if (and when) his plan does not work (not to sound pessimistic or anything...just prepared and attempting to educate myself on what could happen).
I am learning a lot though, just from lurking around these boards, about what boundaries I need to set in regards to how I deserve to be treated and have promised myself not to walk on eggshells anymore and that I'm allowed to be myself :) It was really hard for me to post anything on ANY board, because I don't like speaking up and prefer to learn from others' posts, but I'm glad I did.
