The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After much thought about the situation, I let my A know that I will no longer live with an A that is not in active recovery. Even though he is physically sober, he is mentally not.
I let him know it is not in my best interest to live with the progressive insanity that has seeped into our lives and either the insanity has to go or he does. He can choose recovery or not, move or not, the choice is his. I let him know what that looks like for me as well. He needs to be doing something concrete for me to feel comfortable. That does not look like doing a little reading at night once in a while. It looks like regular meetings, a day program, CODA, NA, AA, finding a sponsor, actively working the steps or anything he feels will aid him.
I asked him the next day if he had made a decision if he is moving or not. He was a little upset and said he will choose recovery because he is forced to. We had a brief talk and I let him know if recovery is not right for him right now, that's his choice, but I have choices too and he knows mine. I asked him if he would have preferred for me to just ask him to leave or to have provided him the choice. He said definately he would want it done the way I did so he has a choice, even if he isn't pleased about it.
Hp is working in our lives. Hp provided the opportunity for him to have to deal with someone right now who has much of the same behaviors he has. I had the opportunity to use my program to chat with him about it and he was accepting that her situation is the same as his, just that each of them feels their situaiton is unique and they each have their own justifications that are only sane to them.
He read some last night as a meeting was not possible due to a prior commitment regarding our son's birthday present we had ordered. We will see if he actually chooses recovery or get's comfortable and puts it off. Either way my hp is looking after me and all will be fine no matter what happens. I am glad though I set the boundary. We will see what happens.
Hugs and prayers to you for being strong and putting a plan in action. You're trusting your HP to provide the answers and that's what matters now. You never know, he may surprise you(your A that is).
Hey Clep....I'm having real problems with boundaries. I moved out 2 weeks ago...since then I've been going over to my old home and my AH has been coming to my new home. I feel like I let the whole concept just slip away from me. I'm a wreck. I moved out after 4 years of thinking about it. My HP really came through and a wonderful house fell into my lap...and a mover appeared and it was done. Now, I'm looking for the serenity to begin. I faithfully go to meetings and they help....for that day. I'm longing for my AH to change and become who he was ...and I know he wont. I guess I'm grieving for all the loss that at 57 has put me back at square one....
I used to feel the same way. I used to believe "I know he won't". He moved out two years ago and went into recovery. Turned out I didn't know much. For me it helped cutting off all contact. He knew I was serious and now when I set a boundary he knows I mean business. I don't always know if recovery is what he will do, but I do know what I will do regardless. Seems the past boundaries made an impact as he went to his meeting tonight and has chosen recovery for now. I don't know what the future will hole, but my hp is leading and I am following.
I grieved lots too before for the loss I perceived. Now I realize that I dont lose when he is gone, as my hp has so much in store for me regardless of the situiation.
I wish you all the best. Glad to hear you are going to meetings. Your hp is leading you too. :)
