The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm a very grateful member of al-anon and working on the steps.
hmmm. I'm not good at the moment. I've been off work for the last 5 months with stress, anxiety and depression - my ex wife made a load of false allegations last year and it resulted in having to go back to the family court system (didn't see daughter for 3 months whilst these false allegations where investigated and shown to be false. Nothing done to my ex of course!), this was right in the middle of moving house AND me finishing my MSc (which I passed btw)
Anyway, I'm starting to feel better and have been doing a lot of "head" work on myself, seeing a counsellor for the last 3 months or so.
The A in my life is my partner, we've been together about 5 years and have a 3 year old daughter. My partner has know my eldest daughter (the one with my ex-wife) since she was 3 (she's 8 now), they have a great relationship and the siblings adore each other. Me and the ex have a court-ordered shared care arrangement (joint custody).
She is a functioning A, holds down a job. She's great with the kids. Comes home though and drinks secretly upstairs. I've known for about a year. She's admitted she's an A (her mum was too). She's been to AA meets in the past but stopped, been to an alcohol counsellor, etc etc. e.g. walks the walk but doesn't talk the talk.
But at the moment I feel totally like sh*t, lonely and sad in this relationship.
Youngest daughter has just been getting on my nerves last part of today - it's raining loads so can't go out, her and her sibling (who's her this weekend) have been bickering like children do.
Everytime I ask youngest to do something you just get the whinges and crying. I'm sick of saying "go to naughty step" , "do this by the time I count to 3" etc etc.
So when they're off to bed I'm just really hacked off, noticed that partner is looking fazed, she's been on the booze again (suspected she was UI whilst we were all eating dinner),
Just now she came downstairs and was trying to talk to me - I nearly bit the bait.
Asked me why I was snappy at youngest, I said i don't want to discuss this now or tonight. and those where my boundaries (which i used to cross).
She asked if we should split up etc etc.
I just can't deal with that sort of convo with someone who's half-canned.
She was down here again and I just minimised windows / opened loads more tabs so she couldn't see the al-anon tab lol.
Just feel sad, lonely, depressed (even though I'm on quite high dose of meds), what a joke my life seems at times.
Ha and tomorrow is valentines day ahahahahaha. Haven't had or felt like sex for weeks - certainly not when you don't feel emotionally close to your partner.
I was looking at everyone frantically buying valentines stuff this morning in the local supermarket. I've got a card and a little cake. But it all seems empty. A couple of years ago I would enjoy doing some really cool stuff. Now I just think "why bother".
I'm not even going to buy any flowers (I'm a bit of an old romantic and believe EVERY woman should have flowers hehe). Last year I didn't get a birthday card. I was so pissed off inside.
Kids pick up on it when something's wrong. Lots of times they act out and become the "distractor." Like they're diverting attention from something they can't handle. Yours are not too little to know when something's wrong with Mom/Step-mom. Their parents are their world and so they see even little differences in how the parent responds to them.
So just to say that I know how tiring kids can be, and that they may be suffering under the same feelings you're having, only they don't have any knowledge of how to handle them. It sounds like you all could use some extra support. This stuff isn't easy. For kids it's baffling.
It's great that you came here for support. JerryF always says the wise thing. I hope you can get to a meeting this week, maybe especially a Valentine's Day meeting. You need the extra support to make up for what's absent at home. You deserve lots of help in this very challenging situation. Sending you lots of blessings.
