did you have to change your job? - Al-Anon Family Group

newleaf66 · Veteran Member

did you have to change your job?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes. I've had to behave just as though I were a single mother (and now I am one, and have to make decisions as though my exAH is not around, though we live in the same town and he sees our child weekly).

I had the same thought as you -- "I'm doing this so he doesn't have to do anything." My counselor said, "No, you're doing this for the safety and benefit of your child."

It is maddening that they behave so unreliably and other people pick up the pieces for them. I take some (rather spiteful) consolation in the fact that the rest of his life is a mess -- I'm taking care of his child, but no one is protecting him from the other consequences of drinking, financial, in human relationships, and the rest. I wouldn't change places with him for the world, even if it meant that someone helped me with the childcare.

I hope you can get lots of support for yourself. It's too heavy to go through alone.

Rora · Senior Member

Yes, when i was with the A I too had to arrange my life as though I was a single parent. Let's face it, I was. The A wasn't able to take care of himself responsibly, there was no way I could trust he'd take care of our child responsibly. I've had to learn that it's not because he didn't want to, it was because he wasn't able. I had to learn that counting on my A, was not possible.

Since our separation, it is more complex than your typical divorce. Friends and family will say, "doesn't (the A) take your son for the weekend or see him" (or behave like a responsible parent?) I simply just say "no, not at this time." My son knows that his Dad has a problem with drinking and that when grown ups have a problem with drinking that is not in control, then they can't take good care of kids.

It's a difficult situation.

Rora

looking_for_peace · Veteran Member

Does your husband ever try to to take your son for the weekend? If so, how do you handle it?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi
Yes this dreadful disease did cause me to change my lifestyle and obtain child care and alter how I wanted to be a mom.

I needed to return to work, have after school care and camp because i needed to pay the bills. Not easy but necessary One of the changes that alanon enabled me to deal with successfully.

Good Luck

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I wanted to share with you. One of my best buds is the supervisor of our communitiy after school program. Believe me those kids are having so much fun! I know that staff love their jobs, and the kids.

I am 58. I can still remember when Mother worked and we had to go to gmas and gpas and to a babysitter once. I loved my grandparents but wanted my mother. I am so proud of you for putting your kids needs first.
Just had to say what a good mom you are.

Love,debilyn

newleaf66 · Veteran Member

Thanks for all your kind responses. I feel like I just got a group cyber hug. The kids come first. Period.

Kelly.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.