The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been married to a very high functioning alcoholic for 22 years. He has never missed work or been late. He makes a very healthy salary and pays all the bills on time. He is military, never had a DUI or any type of negative attention from his drinking. But, by 8 or 9 pm he is often no longer "here". Of course he is here in body. But he becomes more argumentative than usual and loudly announces to me, the dogs, the kids, that he is "in charge" or just goes to his home office and listens to music while drinking gin mixed with diet soda. Everyone is supposed to think it's just diet soda. Maybe the kids still do. They are 11 & 14. The gin is in the back of one of the filing cabinet drawers. I've known about it for years. Our children are super smart and if they haven't figured it out yet, they will soon. My dad was very similar (big surprise) and by the time I was in high school I knew. I work very part time, mostly by choice. Someone has to keep the family running and I've found that if I'm working more than 3 days/week things tend to fall apart. We relocated 2 yrs ago, a mutual decision, to an area where we hope to retire. My challenge here is that I have no support system. In our previous town I was active in church and a woman's group and have many long time friends. Of course no one knows AH is A. So, now I've vented and feel a bit better. I do have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Not all the time, but lately it's really been getting me down. I have no intention of leaving him. He is not ever physically abusive. I think alcoholism, by nature, creates emotional abuse. I'm lonely and sad. Haven't gotten the courage up to go to an al anon meeting.
Welcome, I'm glad you found us. You don't have to be alone in the disease. Like you I came to "Miracles In Progress" because I had been effected by someone else's drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that takes over the mind, body and spirit of the alcoholic. It is said that we become as sick or sicker than the A in our lives without realising it. I agree with the statement.
Step One in the Al-Anon program states: "We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable". That's where I was and I think where you are. We can't change or fix the alcoholic. We can't make them stop or make them want to stop drinking. It's a powerful disease that continues to take over the very life of the alcoholic. Family, children, and love ones become a distance second.
You need a support system and "MIP" is a great source for support, but nothing can replace Face 2 face Al-Anon meetings. Meetings can be found in your area by checking in your local phone book. You have found a new family here today and you will find a new family in the rooms of Al-Anon. Members who will care and understand you as perhaps no one else can. You will not be judged only accepted by members who have and are walking in your shoes. Others here will make the same suggestion because the program changed their live as it has mine. Please find the courage, you deserve it. You children need a healthy parent because they have been effected by this disease also.
Keep coming back and posting. Read prior posts on this site. Research all you can about alcoholism.
Ginger we all need recovery from the effects the disease has causes us. Start your recovery. Your not alone anymore.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 13th of February 2011 02:09:39 AM
Please find meetings for yourself , you need support and remember that anonymity is the basis of this program so it is a safe place to share your feelings and fears . I would bet your kids have figured this out already but like most of us it is the elephant in the living room we walk around it over it or thru it but never do we discuss it .we help to keep the secret. It only takes one person to change to create change , should he get found out the military is sympathetic to his dilema he will find the help he needs . My husb was a functioning alcoholic as well no one knew he had a problem very responsible family wise * money etc * my husb used to tell him self the bills are paid they can buy what they want when they want go where they want so i cant be that bad . he told me this in sobriety , this disease is based on delusion and denial . cunning baffling and powerful . get help for yourself , get the focus back on yourself where it belongs and you wil be just fine . Louise
Aloha GM and welcome to the family. Lots of family members will stop by to welcome you and give our ESH ...we don't give advice or suggest anything that hasn't worked for us or we haven't worked at all. My experience? There is no such thing as a "functional" alcoholic tho I know what you are saying. What he seems to do properly is only part of the picture what you're getting and having trouble dealing with is what isn't happening properly or normally. There is no way to hide alcoholism chances are everyone already knows and hasn't spoken to you about it. My own alcoholic/addict use to do cute little numbers to hide or diminish here drinking and using however there was a whole crowd of people who knew for many reasons and just never talked about it. Heck we don't talk alot about our own alcoholics because what we really need to talk about is ourselves and how to get put back together.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and I can hear the, "It's getting worse part" in your post already...From the definition of alcoholism in Al-Anon; "Alcoholism can never be cured. It can only be arrested by total abstinence"... "It is a fatal disease in that if the alcoholic doesn't stop drinking they will go crazy and or die." Alcohol isn't a great food or health source...it pretty well destroys the drinker and everyone in contact with the drinker.
Abuse happens on many many levels...There's physcial, mental, emotional, sexual, verbal, financial etc...Take some time to read the other members posts and scroll back to prior post and read what goes on with others which is going on with you also. Alcoholics don't have relationships, the take hostages.
RLC suggested face to face Al-Anon Meetings and that is what has worked for me also...The hotline number is in the white pages of your telephone book and you are far from alone. Al-Anon is in about every country on this planet. MIP membership covers lots of local and foreign territory too. So welcome. check to see if Alateen is available for the kids and when you can get them there cause you're not the only one in the family being affected.
Ginger, my dh also keeps his gin or whiskey in the filing cabinet in his home office. I am new to this as my AH was sober for 15 years and has recently started drinking again. I also have a preteen son and I know he doesn't know much right now but as he moves into high school age, I'm sure we'll be having many talks. And, like your husband, mine makes a healthy salary and our bills get paid on time. Both his parents and my dad were functioning alcoholics, no DUIs, etc.
I have not attended a meeting yet, but I will because I know I will need the support. I hope you do too!
Thank you so much for the warm welcome. Last night I slept better than I have in months. Now I'm looking for a meeting and am filled with questions. Do I approach my kids and bring it up or do I wait for them to ask questions? Do I bring it up to him (when he's sober) or just work on myself. Do I talk to his family (mine are quite far away and his family lives nearby) or not?
I "brought it up to my alcoholic" ...remember she wasn't to pleased and/or pleasant in response. Didn't miss a drink after it either I remember. hmmmm Maybe just go for yourself and if there is an Alateen meeting at the same time drag the teens to the meeting and go to yours. Often it works best that way.
