"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

suave75 · Veteran Member

Trusting again.... How do I stop worrying?

ythannah · Senior Member

Suave, first let me say that an Al-Anon meeting is one of the few places in the world where you never have to fear being judged as ignorant, or anything else negative for that matter.

After I had chaired a couple of meetings, one of the longterm members came to me and said I looked so calm and relaxed while I was chairing. She was right, I WAS relaxed. I realized that I had no fear of being judged by the other members -- it was a perfectly safe place to make a mistake.

I too was a worrywort when I came into Al-Anon 13 months ago. That was one of the things I wanted to fix -- I desperately needed to learn how to stop obsessing -- I was losing sleep, losing weight, and losing productivity at work from worrying.

I don't know how it happened but it hit me last week that I've actually made progress with this. ABF mentioned to me at lunch one day that his buddy J was going to pick him up and they were going out in the afternoon. J is an active A whose presence has sometimes precipitated a relapse for my ABF -- like showing up at his place with alcohol and drinking there -- so that plan would normally have caused me a lot of anxiety. Oddly enough, it didn't even cross my mind that afternoon to worry about whether or not he was drinking. When I realized that, I knew just how far I had come in this program.

It works! smile

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand what you're saying. There were months that I couldn't make myself leave the house with my AH there alone - I was afraid he'd relapse if I did.

Gradually, I came to understand that this was a Step 1 issue for me. I didn't fully believe that I was powerless over his drinking. I believed that by staying stuck to his side, I could somehow keep him sober. This was an attempt to control, but at the time I didn't know it. I just know I felt physically ill when I had to leave him alone. The physical symptoms and the fear were caused by my disease.

In time, through working the steps and going to meetings, I was able to put the focus on myself. In doing so, I was able to understand that no matter what I did or didn't do, I was simply not powerful enough to either make my AH drink or not drink. If he'd wanted to drink, he would've found a way to do it regardless of what I did. All I was doing by attempting to keep him sober was feeding the illusion of control, and wasting precious time that I could spend on myself trying to do the impossible.

Just keep coming back, dig in to the meetings, talk to your sponsor, talk to others in the program, and stay busy with your recovery. Do it even when you don't feel it ... a very wise man (Jerry F) says you can't think your way into acting, you have to act your way into thinking. This was true for me. I did the actions at first, and the change in thought process followed.

Glad you're here!

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

ythannah and Summer,

I enjoyed reading your ES&H to suave75. The only thing I could add is a HUG to all three of you.

HUGS,
RLC

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Suave 75,

Worrying on our part is from the disease. We have been conditioned to worry about the alcoholic. I bet you have
never worried about anyone person like you worry about the alcoholic.

The longer we stay with the alcoholic without practicing Alanon, the worse we will get.

Give it time, use the tools Alanon has to offer you. Keep focusing on yourself. Keep going to meetings and practice
serenity. Till we get to the point that it doesnt matter if the they continue to drink. As long as were ok with ourselves.

Keep coming back!!

Luv, Bettina

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

you won't come off as ignorant at all Suave... sharing is about YOUR feelings, and what you are going through - there is simply no right or wrong..... Early recovery is tough, and it's quite often the only real option is to dive full force into your recovery for awhile, as he is doing his...... Your energy and focus is much better on you right now....

Take care\
Tom

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I don't trust or distrust.

Especially with an A. I learned to take things as they came. I learned to think of his disease as a river. I cannot stop a river, ever. So I don't even think about it. It would be irrational to do so.
So I thought how I have no control over the A, I can do nothing about his disease, so I didn't think about it.

It took time and practice like all Al Anon skills. The thoughts stopped. At first I would tell myself,"stop." Then think, he is in Gods hands. Picturing him in the palm of HUGE hands.

Its not our job to worry over them. Worry is wasted. Being concerned is different. Concern, we know we have some hope, and we pray they make good choices. But again it is not up to us.

My son is having a tough time. Years ago I would be a puddle of worry. Now I think of it then I stop naturally and know it is his path, his life. I just love him, and am there to listen if he wants me to.

Worrying only makes us sick. A simple, I cannot control his disease. take a breath and be glad it is not your job.

As far as money. For me I made it so my life was as secure as possible. Protected myself. So when the disease spent money, got dui's, etc. I was ok.

Sadly for me it was not learned soon enough.

Anyway hope this helps some. Worry is what their disease does to us and makes us sick. ugh.

love,deb

athabascan indian · Member

Thanks for sharing your experience Suave! glad u are here.
Funny I WORRY what everyone will think of me! However I have found the beginning of healing and caring from everyone

Its difficult for me to share also but the worst that has happened for me is that Im getting better.

Ive worried about my AH this past week. Did it change anything for me or for him? Nope.

When I first began recovery I was talking to someone about worrying and they said in a kind tone

"OK if you must worry about it you have five minutes and then be done with it and say to yourself I dont have time for this right now I will get back to you later". Of course at first I had to have plan B in place to keep my mind busy. i.e., anything that could occupy my time, this is where i learned to see what was beautiful in the world.

I thought to myself this person is thougtless and crazy but of course i was so desperate I tried anything. It was easy at first and It did nt happen over night but it helped me. That was what i needed at the time

I have taken what i like and left the rest and they continue to work.

Daily use of the Alanon tools, read the Courage to Change, Read One Day at a Time, (made it a point to read July 14, as this was a fav of one of the members here) its a good read. Pray pray pray. All day Long if necessary. Go to meetings.

Last week I had claw marks on everything, i wasnt able to keep the focus on me but by the grace of the Creator and the baby steps Ive taken, today I'm able to keep the focus on ME a little longer...

Creator has a plan for my AH. So just for today I got outta the way and Let Go and Let God.

Just keep coming back......and if you do you will find you are never alone! ***HUGS***

Rosemary S ( Alaska)

suave75 · Veteran Member

Thanks to all of you.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"