How to handle the sadness? Advice needed... - Al-Anon Family Group

Cross610 · Member

How to handle the sadness? Advice needed...

faith84 · Veteran Member

Cross, I absolutely wish that I knew what to tell you, but the sad fact is I am going through the same EXACT thing. One minute he tells me that he wants me to be open with him because he knows something is bothering me, and the next moment I tell him I feel depressed and he immediately builds up this guilt and defense mode. How do you pretend it doesn't bother you when you know they are high?! It's a catch 22 and I wish I had the answer on this one! For you and I both...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Cross

You are absolutely correct, the more clearly we see this disease and the devastation caused by it the sadder we become. Feeling those feelings and expressing them here or at face t face alanon meetings are the first stop to recovery.

There is a saying in my meetings that, "We do not go to the hardware store to buy bread"

This means we do not go to the addict for compassion, empathy, understanding. They are in theri addiction and cannot give that to us.

We learn to call alanon friends. go to meeting develop new tools to live by and then maybe we can relate with the addict

Keep coming back.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cross)))

It's hard sometimes to separate the disease from the person. All we want is what they are emotionally unable to give us. It's obvious you are trying to work your program to the best of your ability. He knows the answers to the questions he is asking you before he asks. There is nothing wrong with being sad. There is also nothing wrong with being honest and open with your feelings. It's O.K. to show our feelings and more important to express our feelings.

I accepted living in this disease and trying to stay sane and happy 100% of the time is almost impossible, only made my life unmanageable. The disease is a roller coaster ride where normal is out of the question. I do my best using the tools of the program to stay off the roller coaster by detaching, focusing on myself, and accepting I have no control over this disease, but I do have control over the effects of the disease.

Hotrod said all the above in one sentence. "We don't go to the addict for compassion, empathy, or understanding." It's not unlike going to a dry well for water. I started this reply saying it's hard sometimes to separate the disease form the person, but until we do it's always going to be tempting to step back on that free roller coaster ride.

Keep working your program. Make the changes you need to make in you, for you, so you can be happy.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 12th of February 2011 11:35:05 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if your A has accepted he is one.

If so, I would say that I was working hard on myself to not allow the disease affect me. That I love him.

It is hard. It is sad. That is normal. Of course we are sad when a loved one is so sick.

The best thing to do is to make sure we are as healty physically as we can so we can be as ok as possible.

Meetings help, coming here helps. Doing your best to do things that you like. Give to you.

Its a hard one hon. love,deb

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The fact that I might be called upon to hide my pain at the situation just doubled the pain for me. And I spent years learning to acknowledge my feelings and not just sweep them under the rug. I think the key, though, would be to be able to express one's sadness without expectations and without getting into a fight. Beccause otherwise we'll be upset that they don't respond as we would wish (and they won't, or else they wouldn't be alcoholics). And they might well try to make us take back our sadness, so they can wiggle out from the idea that anything is wrong. So we'd want to think carefully about how to phrase it. "I'm having a hard time with the drinking and I'm feeling really sad" might be one way. My AH would argue whenever I said he'd been drinking, though. He'd have replied with something like, 'There you go again, with your obsession that I've been drinking when I swear to heaven I haven't. Something's wrong with you, you know. You need to see a doctor about that obsession you have." At first I'd take the bait and start arguing. After a while I could say calmly, "I'm not going to argue about whether you've been drinking. Nothing we say or don't say will change the truth. I'm just feeling sad tonight and I won't hide it. I'm going to go watch TV now." Or whatever. I just couldn't cope with the idea that he wanted me to pretend none of it was happening. No way.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I was just thinking back when I was where you are.

It is a matter of not getting our needs met. Most A's do not have the kind of love we may need.

I was hungry for him just coming up and hugging me. Acting like he was glad to see me.

Asking me if he could do anything for me, or just a how are ya? How did your day go?

They are so self absorbed, part of the disease, we will not get our needs met.

After a time I came to the conclusion of what would I miss if he went away for good? A body? Lose the CHANCE he MIGHT talk to me, want to hold my hand, care?

After a few trial runs of him running to mommies house to use and coming back. I learned more and more each time, that there was NO reason for him to come back anymore.

I would rather have a real relationship, or just one with myself and my friends.

I do have hope to have a man in my life again. But who knows?

Its hard becuz I know you do love him. But what do you love?

We feel sad for a reason. If it is depression meds and therapy help. But if we live a life that brings sadness there is no way to avoid it.

We can pacify ourselves with keeping busy, doing things for ourselves. But we look at our mate and wish for him to show his love. or her.

Sadness is there for a reason. We look at the primary obstacle and see what or if it can change.

I am so glad you are here. love,debilyn

suave75 · Veteran Member

I try to hide my sadness also. I don't want to cause a disagreement or a fight with my alcoholic fiance. When I am angry I would rather journal that share what is going on with me.
I guess I dont trust him to be understanding, loving or compassionate.

I guess when I have a moment to reflect on how I am feeling I can express it articulately to him.
I have to stop being afraid that he will use because of what I have said to him or because of my actions. This is the hard part... letting go and understanding it not my fault. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.

beltranw · Newbie

Hi everyone, I am new at this. Not sure how to tell anyone how I am feeling? I have been with the same man for 26 years now. H e was drinking when I met him. He was not that bad then, but now he drinks all the time. Everyday. He will drink till it is time for him to go to work. He works 20 hr a week. Then on weekends he wakes up dinking and he gets mean and ugly to everyone. Nobody wants to be around him anymore. I am not happy anymore but I can not tell him that because he does not understand that. to him he is right about everything and if you tell him anything we are wrong. I started a new calendar for this year so I can see for myself how much he drinks and how often he drinks. He tells everyone that he don't drink that much and that the beer he drinks is the cheap beer. As of january he drank 21 days and bought 196.00 in beer. Now in Feb he has drank 11 days and has bought 115.97 in beer. I am not happy anymore. I don't know what else to do. We are raising our granddaughterand I don't like her to be around him sometimes. He gets mean to people and he makes her cry. if someone has some advise please help. I am lost and don't know what to do anymore. I love him dearly and don't want to end it.We have 3 kids together and we have 6 grandchildren together. I am just lost. What do I do?

gingermason · Newbie

wow. so much of what you said hit home. I have no advice because I have only begun to deal with this myself. My AH doesn't get mean, just controlling. It has helped so much to find this site. Head to a meeting. I'm looking for my first this week.
Hugs - Ginger

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.