The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
if this were a movie, i would run to the airport tomorrow morning and tell him i loved him and that i didn't want him to go and to stay and "let's work things out," but life isn't a movie. life is real. and i just had surgery yesterday to try to conceive with a man who has an addiction problem and is not really a man just yet who is not capable of taking care of himself, let alone me and children. so he will leave tomorrow to face his own reality and maybe he can see what he has given up and one day maybe he will feel regret that it had to happen this way, but maybe this was the only way. time can only tell and God only knows what the future holds.
I have to tell you that my daughter was married to a man that was an addicted gambler, but she refused to face the fact because she married this man because she was 40 and her clock was ticking. She wanted a baby desperately, she was taking fertility drugs, spending thousands on Doctors, she did get pregnant, but lost it.
She still continued to try and get pregnant. I did not like this man. I could see the addiction and his manipulating my daughter. I kept quiet of course. Finally my daughter took a break from trying to get pregnant, my daughter looked like she was in a fog, she grew distant from me, she started to criticize me, didnt know why, I had detached, I thought it was her lesson to learn. finally when she was ready she opened up the bank statements that had piled up ,she never wanted to open and face. She found that he had been gambling away 50,000. a year ,in the past three years. Thats almost all of his paycheck every year and only giving her small amounts to live on. Which she accepted, because of her denial and her agenda. Her credit card was at the max because she was intimidated to ask for more money to run the house.
I guess after all this, my point being that we all have a part in it. We all have our agenda's . She divorced this man because she realized she could never trust him or have anything and she didnt love him enough to stick it out. She of course is still going to Gam-anon and learning a lot about herself. This man didnt really want children nor did he want to be a husband, he just wanted to continue to have a home and do is gambling. My daughter had her home that she bought before she met him. His name was never put on anything, her Mother trained her well.
You really dont say where your A is going and if your still trying to conceive. If you think a baby will change things it wont. Addiction is addiction. Your HP is there and nothing is left to chance, we must pray for what we want, especially when it comes to loving an addict. Keep coming to Alanon and read all the experiences of the Woman and Men who have walked in your shoes.
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 11th of February 2011 06:08:25 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 11th of February 2011 06:10:18 PM
thank you for your share about your daughter, Bettina. My AH is going back home to look for job and to "work on himself". I am slightly disappointed as I thought he would stay and take care of me after the surgery but I know he needs to take care of himself first. We are separated and will see how things go in the next 6 months or so. My conception plans are of course on hold until then. I am trying to work my program and stay strong. I am just praying for the best and trusting life.
Sounds like you are making the best decisions for your life. I know its not easy loving an alcoholic.
Just keep the focus on you and your recovery. We never know why they do the things they do, chalk it up to their disease, which is crazy and illogical.
Wishing you all the best, keep coming back, it works if you work it.
