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First time writing here but I really need some extra support. My boyfriend has been relapsing for the past year and is now at my house. For the past few days he has been drinking to the point of passing out for a few hours then waking up to drink more. I am emotionally exhausted. I keep telling myself the 3 C's. We are waiting to hear about residential treatment but it is a long process for insurance to cover it. At least another week until an intake appointment. So he is at my house. I told him my boundary, if you drink this way for another day you need to leave. My worry is where he will go. Its so cold out at night and am afraid for him. I am telling myself this is his choice and I can't control it but it still hurts my heart to think of him in the cold. Any suggestions to ease my head and heart?
Aloha Swis...If it was me come and visit you with my booze would you allow me to drink and get drunk in your house. If I'm not allowed to might it be that no one is allowed to? That's a clear boundary. In dealing with my alcoholic wife I had to separate the personalities. One was my wife and the other my alcoholic. My wife was supportive and contributing in our life together...my alcoholic no. That helped me understand which one I was dealing with and to make more appropriate choices. My alcoholic had to go find a place she could use and drink without distrubing our balance. I felt compassion for her and all alcoholics but not responsible for.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Alcoholics typically do anything they can to keep the disease going -- that's the disease holding the reins. If he were as afraid of being put out on his own as you were, he'd stop drinking. Somehow we're more afraid of their future than they are. And that's partly because they have ways. I'd be surprised to find your AH living under a bridge. They act as if they're helpless, but that's when other people are doing the helping for them. When push comes to shove, they help themselves. That's my experience.
Right now, if I'm any judge, the disease is saying, "She says if I keep drinking, she'll ask me to leave. I bet I can get around that. Yeah, I know I can. She won't really do it. Can I make her feel so guilty she'll let me stay and drink? Yeah, I know I can do it." So the question is: can he really? Is drinking really okay? Your next action will give the answer.
That's the way I see it. Take what's useful and leave the rest.
I understand what your going through. My Alcoholic Fiance relasped over and over again over the past year. A few days after christmas he had been drinking all day. We had a huge fight and he then brought drugs into my house ( which was my boundry). He had to leave immediately. It was hard for me to do that to someone Ilove.
In hindsight it was the best decision. He was suffering the results of his action. He hit bottom. It was cold out there. He had no money or family or friends. He went to detox for a couple of days then left. I wouldn't let him come home until he got help. He was out in the streets. He then stayed at a shelter for a week. He made a decision to get help. I let him come home. he been clean and sober 30 days.
I've been going to Al-Anon meetings. I am reading the literature.
I wish you and our boyfriend all the best.
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Take it one day at a time. If that is too much take it a minute at a time.
