The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My girlfriend is an alcoholic, and while she has been in recovery lately, she slipped into a pretty bad relapse this last week or so...
I'm sure I'm enabling her to drink, but I don't have enough perspective on things to see how I'm doing it.
So let me run down our usual daily routine for y'all, and hopefully you can help me understand what I'm doing wrong.
-We wake up around 8am at my place. -I drop her off at her parent's house a little before 9am on my way to work. -Recently she has begun drinking immediately after I drop her off. -Around noon I pick her up and take her to lunch or eat at her parent's house if she has been cooking. No booze.(I really really enjoy this part of my day, and would hate to avoid it just because she has been drinking) -Around 1pm I drop her back off at her parent's house, or leave the house. -She immediately starts drinking (again). -Around 6pm or a little later I pick her up, and we go to dinner, or do something else entertaining. No booze.(I also really really enjoy this part of the day, even if she's sauced) -Later we go back to my place and enjoy each other's company until about midnight, then fall asleep. She does not drink at my house, she's very good about that, and the day's drinking has usually mostly worn off by this time. (This is another favorite time of mine)
I never give her money, her family owns a bar so the liquor is all "free".
I don't lie for her.
I don't do things that she should be doing.
I just really enjoy being with her, even when she's tanked, and like eating meals and spending evenings with her.
Glad you are here. Well to begin with, we really dont have that much power over other people. Wouldnt it be great if we did. We could will them sober.
So what you have here is a girlfiend that has a disease. You seem to love being with her when she is drunk, but obviously you are conflicted.
You say she doesnt drink at your home. That is good.
In Alanon we learn about the disease of Alcoholism, we learn boundaries for ourself. Alanon is about YOU!!! Not the drinker.
After some Alanon principles only you will know if your enabling her or not. Just know that we didnt cause them to drink, we cant cure it and we cant make them stop.
Only they can do that. Keep coming back. Its a step in the right direction.
Your not enabling your girlfriend. You have no control over her or her drinking. She is not being enabled by her parents, but an open bar is to much temptation for a active alcoholic. It's hard for an alcoholic to stay sober under those circumstances, especially when there is no desire to quit. Your gf has a perfect situation for a active alcoholic, a lot like allowing the monkey to guard the banana truck.
My wife is my alcoholic and never drinks in front of me, no boundaries on my part, her decision without ever being discussed. Like your gf, A's are going to do what they are going to do. The disease is in control. Always. We can worry, stress, try and fail, lose our serenity/peace of mind or admit we are powerless, putting the focus on us where it needs to be. Acceptance is a big part of living with an A. Taking care of our self first is a bigger part.
Unlearning our old ways is hard. The program will show you how. Acceptance, putting the focus on you, and taking care of yourself first will go a long way in making your life better whether the alcoholic in your life is drinking or not. Until they invent a magic pill, Al-Anon is our ticket to "that"better way of life.
You seem to love being with her when she is drunk, but obviously you are conflicted.
No, I really enjoy being with her, even when she's drunk. I love being with her when she's sober.
I'm not taking the blame for her drinking, but drinking to blackout or close to it every afternoon and barely pulling it together for a mostly-normal evening isn't healthy, and won't last forever (progressive disease and all that). I just want to be careful I'm not helping her along the road to destruction by unintentionally making it easier for her to continue her soused routine.
I understand enabling to be a common problem, and I want to be helpful, not a travel agent selling tickets to hell. I spend more time with her every day than anyone else, so if anyone is doing it, it's probably me.
I think you are being to hard on yourself. You are not in any way allowing or encouraging her to drink. Ask yourself what are you doing that unintentionally is helping her on the road to destruction? She has a disease. You have no control over her, or what she does when you are not around, which is drink.
Your sincerity is obvious. Your concerns are well founded. But you are not the one causing (making) her to drink. We are simply not that powerful. You love her and I love my wife, but at the moment neither of us are #1 in their life....alcohol is. We are powerless over alcohol and if we allow it.......it will make our life unmanageable.
Put your baseball bat down, you are not her problem, and your not enabling her. Enabling is defined as doing for someone what they could and should be doing for themselves.
It's not the time you spend with her that is creating the problem, it's the time she spends with alcohol when you are not around that is the problem.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 11th of February 2011 12:17:58 AM
Something for you to think about -- if you love being with her, why do you wish she would stop drinking? Is life not as good as it would be with her sober?
It sounds to me as if she has an alcoholic's dream life. Free alcohol in endless amounts, no job to worry about, parents and boyfriend both okay with the arrangement, boyfriend who adores her even when she's an active alcoholic. Who wouldn't feel as if life handed them a free pass to keep on drinking? There are no down sides.
I'm not saying that you have any power over her drinking or not drinking. Eventually there are consequences to conpulsive drinking, though, in every case. Maybe the drinker's partner gets justifiably angry that the drinker can't hold a job, contribute financially to the relationship, drive safely, or be counted on to be sober for an evening out or a weekend afternoon movie. Maybe the partner doesn't want to commit to a longerterm relationship because no children would be safe in the drinker's care. Maybe the people who are holding up and paying for the drinker can't shoulder that much responsibility indefinitely. Maybe being with someone whose main interest is the bottle gets lonely. Are any of these consequences something your girlfriend might have to face down the line, or is she being protected from them?
Last, are you protecting yourself from her inability to contribute to the relationship? Do you prefer the relationship as one where you can't get too close, because the bottle is always in the way? Maybe it feels more comfortable to be the grown-up one, instead of an equal partner? These are hard questions and they might not apply to you. But it's always useful to look for ways in which maybe their drinking gives us a kind of pass (we have the moral high ground, we're the martyrs, or we feel more competent -- whatever, I've done them all!). And the ways in which drinking is really limiting the relationship. The insanity gets so familiar that we find it hard to remember what it's like to be with someone we can count on, who pulls their own weight. And we forget to protect ourselves.
if you love being with her, why do you wish she would stop drinking? Is life not as good as it would be with her sober?
Maybe the drinker's partner gets justifiably angry thatthe drinker can't hold a job, contribute financially to the relationship, drive safely, or be counted on to be sober for an evening out or a weekend afternoon movie.Maybe the partner doesn't want to commit to a longerterm relationship because no children would be safe in the drinker's care.Maybe the people who are holding up and paying for the drinker can't shoulder that much responsibility indefinitely. Maybe being with someone whose main interest is the bottle gets lonely. Are any of these consequences something your girlfriend might have to face down the line, or is she being protected from them?
Last, are you protecting yourself from her inability to contribute to the relationship? Do you prefer the relationship as one where you can't get too close, because the bottle is always in the way? Maybe it feels more comfortable to be the grown-up one, instead of an equal partner? These are hard questions and they might not apply to you. But it's always useful to look for ways in which maybe their drinking gives us a kind of pass (we have the moral high ground, we're the martyrs, or we feel more competent -- whatever, I've done them all!). And the ways in which drinking is really limiting the relationship. The insanity gets so familiar that we find it hard to remember what it's like to be with someone we can count on, who pulls their own weight. And we forget to protect ourselves.
The bold parts hit the nail right on the head.
Life with her when she's drunk is inferior compared to life with her when she's going to meetings and avoiding the juice. It's not bad when she's drunk, I have started to learn to be happy even if she's embarrasingly wasted (yay detachment), and I really do enjoy her company under nearly any circumstances, our personalities complement each other very well, but it's just not as good.
I was getting angry a lot, and sometimes lashing out with mean statements because she's drunk so often. But I've been getting a lot better about that after I realized it only makes things worse, and a lot of the anger stems from my own personality defects. Lately, I've been using my own emotions for my own purposes, and just enjoying the things in my life that are enjoyable.
I'm certainly not going to marry her or have kids with her until she settles into a long-term recovery, if she ever does.
Her mother is about at the end of her rope, and is going to forbid her from hanging around her house drinking all day at some point.
And it does feel good to be the grown-up, competent adult, standing firmly on high moral ground.
-- Edited by B_L on Friday 11th of February 2011 10:41:44 AM
-- Edited by B_L on Friday 11th of February 2011 10:42:48 AM
My son is in a relationship with a girl who drinks too much. He has openly acknowledged that he enjoys taking care of her... it gives him a feeling of superiority and he feels like he controls the relationship. He likes that. (ugh.) Eventually, my son will experience what I have experienced with his father.... powerlessness. The disease will progress and I suspect he will realize eventually that he merely had an illusion of control. That's what it was for me. I chose to believe the relationship was a happy one because that's what I wanted it to be. I was not living in reality.
I don't see you enabling, but I agree that she has no obvious consequences to date. Doesn't matter, that's her business. There's nothing to do but to give her the dignity to live her life as she chooses. I invite YOU to explore why you enjoy it so much, what's in it for you? What are YOU getting out of it? Does this relationship feed your ego somehow? Are you living in reality?
The answers are inside you, and I found this 12-step program to be the perfect guidance to know myself. From where I sit, you've been invited on a spiritual journey to learn more about yourself.... as we all have in al-anon.
I think it's incredible that you are focusing on your behavior!!! WOW, it takes some of us ages to stop focusing on the alcoholic! I'm so glad you're here, and hope you keep posting. Welcome! ((hugs))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Knowing is a tricky little number. It takes investigation of your behaviors with honesty and then it takes awareness of how things evolve after you do your behaviors. The consequences of my behaviors before I got into Al-Anon supported the problem getting worse...therefore I was enabling it to get worse. I have had more than just a few alcoholics in my life so after the investigation of my enabling behaviors with my alcoholic wife I compared them to the others before and after her...Yup...BINGO!! I did the same things over and over again...my best awarenesses and behaviors and reactions were no different across the board and all of those alcoholic relationships got worse also. If I'm supporting the disease...I am enabling it to get worse. I am giving it a person, place and thing and more to incubate and grow. Attitude about the out of control drinking and using isn't enough. Following that attitude up with appropriate behavior is key.
