Question,serious - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Question,serious

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Deb

This is a very hard time for you Please keep sharing Remember it is ODAT and that you can move to this new place and if after a time you decide to move it is possible. Keep an open mind and just keep showing up as you have been doing

You have the Courage, and Wisdom to carry on Just pray ,as I have for the Peace

In my thoughts.

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 10th of February 2011 04:21:54 PM

ythannah · Senior Member

(((debilyn)))

I'm guessing it's the huge change. That, and perhaps second-guessing the wisdom of the decision you've made. A bit of grief-anticipation at leaving a home where you've probably spent a good number of years, one that you loved.

Three years ago I was offered the chance to buy my "dream home"; it was owned by a friend's parents, who were moving out of town. I was completely fed up with the home I was in, even though I loved its antique "character", as the neighbourhood had gone downhill and there were a lot of criminal/drug using types living there. People threatening to shoot my dogs, multiple thefts from my yard -- I just didn't feel safe. I couldn't even put out Christmas decorations or potted plants, they got stolen or vandalized.

You'd have thought I'd be thrilled to finally get the house like I'd always wanted and leave that neighbourhood behind, but I was second-guessing myself constantly from the time my offer was accepted until the day I turned in the keys for the old house. And I shed a few tears at leaving a place I'd loved for more than 16 years.

The worst part was bringing the dogs over to the new place, and they kept standing by the door wanting to leave -- didn't want to explore or run around, just wanted to go back "home". Idiotically, I kept saying to them, "Look at the nice big yard I got you!". Until I stopped and realized that they had never known any home other than the old house, so this improved version was just unfamiliar territory to them.

Change is difficult for most of us, whether it's positive or negative. Give it time.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Okay so I read yours and am comparing notes...I woke up at 2 am and am dead
tired right now. Have done what you are doing cause I know there are benefits
from the past...Laying it out in front of others in the fellowship and asking "hey
take a look at this and give me some feed back"...that is what has worked and
still works for me. I got to a morning meeting. It was a speaker meeting and
the speaker spoke on step 12. Speaker has time and I know him well and part
of what he talked about was getting fearful and falling off of the program. He
gave it away to fear. He became afraid of the possibilities and not the realities
of what was going on and he walked away from his HP...forgot HP and gave up
prayer and meditation and when he turned around from where he was at he
recognized that his son was following in his footsteps and it woke him up. He
was carrying the wrong message and reflecting the wrong recovery to those around
him.      "I guess I need a mirror very badly." That's what you said wanting to
take a look at the reflection in the mirror to see the person there. My friend
also talked about what he was reflecting outwardly. You want to know what you
are reflecting back at yourself and my HP last night said..."Lets take a look at
where you have come from...a reflection of the journey."  Am I afraid? mmmm
don't feel it; feel untrusting like I felt just before my surgery around thanksgiving
time...ain't that a reminder for me!. I'm not trusting because I can't tell the
outcomes...I'm unable to project or fortune tell the future of this condition and
yes also although I've been in situations similar to this I have a wife that is
going thru it with me also and I'm feeding on her reaction. I'm letting it get me
crazy because I don't have control and I don't know what the outcome's going to
be and know I don't know what the outcome's gonna be.

HP and I looked backward from where I came since 1979. We inventoried and
agreed that all of it worked and still does so I have only one choice...keep doing
it because it works.  HP had me listen to the old old simple summary of the
12 steps; a summary of my walk...."Trust God"..."Clean house"..."Help Others".

There is nothing going on in my life today that I will surrender this program and
my serenity over to...nothing.

Go look in your mirror and see that you are not alone. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned from each of you. Thank you. I reread each too. Soaking it in.

The disease causes so much damage on us that take maybe a lifetime to only be overcome by death.

But the fellowship and learning from Al Anon has been invaluable for me. Still is.
You of all people "know" me and everyone deep inside. We don't hide anything here.

I feel HP around me all the time. I accept this path very willingly. And will always do my best to focus on the good, not be afraid of the unknown or hard stuff.

Right now I am resting. Was in my nightgown all day. Sold some cement blocks and an extra large dog carrier, so got a few bucks. Have more to go too. So am still taking care of things, but resting my body and my brain.

The disease caused such a wound in my heart. I think living here, just throws it all in my face all the time. I see the barn he built me, I see where he threw me on the floor. I see all the things that need to be done that he would have loved to do.

I feel the pain of an empty pasture, empty barn. I want to leave this behind. This part is over.

First time I have moved off alone, on my own.Made so many decisions. Hp always there.
I am excited about volunteering this summer at the handicapped kids camp right down the road from me. Cannot wait! The thought of making new, good friends, and having someone to give to, sounds so nice.

I feel like my life is just continuing, not really stepping into anything new, as it is all my past that brought me here.
Last night when I was feeling so down, I was petting my dogs and I realized I had just gotten a home for THEM. It was an interesting feeling. I thought of how people feel when they make a home for their kids. How they need me to take care of them. do right by them.

I got a nice email from my new landlord today. Its important to me to be on good terms with them.

Anyway there is so much wisdom you guys share. Thank you.

hugs,deb

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Debilyn,

After alot of careful thought this is what I came up and with what I see and feel, firstly I thought crikey how highly I think of you,and how strong you always appear to be for me, I take for granted that you can always stay strong, then I thought but who am I to judge when I have not been in such a situation,and I haven't, so I can only address the parts of your post that I do understand, I am an orphan too, and just like you the majority of the time my love of nature and the earth sooth my soul, but there are days when I am a child and want the unconditional love of a parent mother father uncle grandad grandma, sometimes too I am not the strong person that I pretend to be, I am always one thought or action away from slipping into despair, the thing is though, I learnt here that that is perfectly ok and normal and we are entitled to have those days, for people like you to bring this to our table helps me so so much to stay out of depression and self pity, because finding a place to dare to be is a very very unique and rare find , but in Alanon here we have it, your in support always x

Katy

x

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Katy thank you so much for what you said. I am glad to know i am not the only one that sometimes just wants to go to mother and daddy gpa and gma etc.

Quit pretending I am this strong adult.

I have not had the money for my meds. So that does not help. I need my HRT meds to feel ok especially.

Got a few bucks together, then found $12 in my jeans pocket. So got my sorry self into the car..... its dead. tools are up at the cabin.

Can't reach the pickups battery.

I found all the ext. cords I could and put the charger on it and hope it works. sometimes they can go so dead they cannot hold a charge.

Then came back in and thought more about throwing up my life, cried for awhile.

Really everything is ok. You know. Basically everything is working out. It is me accepting it all and being ok that is killing me.

I want to go to someones warm house, get on their couch, lay down and sleep.

Its going to take some time to heal from this.

thank you again. love,deb

Nadine · Newbie

Deb, first of all, bring your head back to where your hands are (in re: projection). Anything past your nose is none of your business and may God give your friends exactly what they need and remember they have a HP too. Maybe they have lessons they need to learn from this. Taking one's own life is a selfish way out and will cause alot of hurt to alot of people. May God give you what you need and I pray in that manner because I don't know what I need most of the time so I can't assume that I know what you need. I hope you keep in close contact with God and if you don't believe just keep "acting as if". I would suggest that each time your emotions start to lie (and they do) I would remember to put the I over E and think it through. (Intellect over Emotions). Have a good day, a moment at a time and GET A SPONSOR AND USE HER. Love from CT.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ct. I don't really understand your post.

I am not in anyone elses business, not my style. Friends?
I am "always" there for my loved ones.

It is one of my issues with depression that not wanting to be here is a symptom. I only think it. I have never came close to doing anything. My doctor knows I get the thoughts. I am not ashamed of admitting it.

It to me is not selfish. It is a person who is very sick who takes their life. I love the creator too much to resort to that. To me it just means I don't want things to be how they are anymore and look for options.

As far as God, HP for me is the creator and I have a very personal relationship with him. He is always hanging onto me tight at he knows my heart. He is first with me, always. We need to be able to say what we are feeling here with out judgement or being told what to do, or what not to do.

I am disabled. MIP has been my home for around 10 years. I have had a sponsor for about the same amount of time. But I go to hp, always.

Thank you for your thoughts, deb

DreamsOver · Senior Member

(((((Debilyn)))))

Change can be so overwhelming, I don't like change, so I can understand the process of what you are having to do could seem like climbing a mountain during a blizzard.

The night time magnifies the unknown, and our mind can take us to places we don't want to go. You get fatigued being strong and then the time comes when you are not strong and the fear takes over for a time.

You have come so far, and still far to go, I understand when daylight comes things begin to get a little better.

I think and pray for you, when you reach your transition I hope things will get better for you.

It sounds like you are doing the very best you can for yourself and your animals, honey, that is all you can do.

Stay close and let us know about you, people here care.

Dreams

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