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karlie764 · Member

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pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He probably does love you but is so sick in his disease right now. That does not answer the question for what you should do though. I guess just a reminder that this is not your fault and there is support out there from people who care about you and people here.

karlie764 · Member

I really don't know what to do to even start. I know that i need help to deal with this but as I said, I cannot make the meetings in my area due to scheduling. Is there some "guide" or something I can find to start myself on my path? I make a very low wage and really cannot afford to buy books. I'm barely making ends meet. I use the internet while I am at work so that I can try to find information but it gets very confusing with all the "bad" links that don't take me anywhere but to other lines. Can you give me any guidance or suggestions that won't cost very much money? I have to keep the bills paid so I have a place to live and I really can't afford any additional expenses at all.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We have meetings here, in case you don't know.

I thought of it as, when AH was still here, that he was very sick. I would not leave him if it was cancer making him act like that. Or diabeties etc. He is a very sick man. I meant it thru sickness and health.

This is MY experience.

There are different kinds of love also. My Ah and I were two peas in a pod. Him being a drunk never changed that, the brain damage from the disease, and the brain surgery did.

As you, I supported him for a very long time.

I am so glad you are here. Its ok to share anything you need to, venting is very good. We all relate and care.

"Getting Them Sober" volume one by Toby Rice Drew is a good way to start.

KEEP coming. love,debilyn

athabascan indian · Member

I'm sorry for your pain and difficulties ****BIG WARM HUGS**** to you. My AH went on a bender last Friday until Sunday and I didnt know what to do and felt trapped until I went to this website and began reading the posts. I have been in and out of Alanon for several years only to find myself hitting a bottom and finding that my bottom had a basement (hiding my secrets of my own unhealthy thinking). I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. So the best thing I cud do was to take action or no action and continue hurting. By the Grace of my Creator, Grandfather I was introduced to this program. Prior to this program my action meant to scream and yell, cry and plead to him acting the way that he wanted so that he had an excuse to drink more. Instead the action I changed was my attitude and chose to give him Grace ( to give somebody something they dont deserve) and lovingly say to him Glad you made it home safe. Which is not a normal response from me and surprised the heck outta him. I cant say at this moment he has decided to change himself, that is a decision only he alone can make. I have chosen to honor that out of honor for myself, its definitely not an easy thing to do! My AH goes to any length to GET DRUNK and is incapable of being honest with himself and he suffers because of it. So I have gotten honest, to the best of my ability, with myself (which I absolutely threw a temper tamtrum over) and will go to any length to get healing! I made a list of all the times I tried to MAKE him do things (controlling attitude) and to my surprise none of them worked. I didnt realize I was Focusing on him instead of focusing on myself. I realized I cannot make him stop doing what hes doing, and the BIGGIE QUESTION for me was what was I going to do about it?! Whew that was a big decision for me to swallow gulp. I have peace Just for Today. My financial situation is similar to yours. I'm not working and live in a remote village in North Alaska where there no meetings, so I recently began relying on the online. saved me from doing something I would regret. I'm not ready to leave him (note) my home is w/o violence otherwise my decisions probably would be adjusted. I did lock him out back in October only to find myself unwilling to keep him out. I love him not the dis-ease. I'm angry as heck at the disease and how cunning, baffling and powerful it is. Its taken alot from me and my AH, but with continued support from all the members postings here I can do it One Day at a Time. I dont get all the answers at the very minute I want it but it does come. Just keep coming back and read the posts if thats all you can do. You are doing the Best that you can at this very moment! I was told to pray for my AH when I first began this program and I thought everyone was nuts cuz i was angry as heck and thought he didnt love me! So my prayers looked like this " Bless that SOB!" for 21 days and amazing things began to happen to me!

***HUGS**** Rosemary S (Alaska) Grateful in Recovery
All my Relations
All my Love
All my Spirit

karlie764 · Member

Thanks for the words everyone. I will do my some diligent research on healing myself instead of focusing on my AH. Hopefully I will be able to find some peace with the words and wisdom you all have provided. I will continue to be happy for any thoughts or guides anyone wants to pass along. I am very new to this and have to get myself together.

ythannah · Senior Member

Welcome, karlie!

There are online meetings through this board (sorry, I don't remember the times, I'm sure someone will post them) and a wealth of wisdom to be gained just by reading through past threads.

Also, if you look at the top of the main forum page, there is a link to a thread called "offer of a free book" by one of our members. That book is Getting Them Sober, and it's a great place to start (although not conference approved literature).

Sometimes you can find literature at used book stores or at yard sales. How Al-Anon Works is a basic text, and there are a number of daily readers One Day at a Time, Courage to Change and Hope for Today.

Your husband's feelings for you having nothing to do with it, unfortunately. He is in the grip of a powerful disease, and its demands come first for him. He needs a strong program of recovery to deal with alcoholism.

The 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it

You can't CONTROL it

You can't CURE it

karlie764 · Member

I do have a question. We, obviously, have a joint checking account and I have my own personal account. I usually take the money out of our joint account so he cannot buy more alcohol. He does not work and has no other source of income than me. Am I supposed to leave the money in there or am I right in taking it out?

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Karlie, good question. Of course we cannot advise you. I can only say what I did.

My feeling is, money that is used for drinking, just gets pissed away, excuse my French.

I put all the money in my checking account , his and mine. He always worked. He didnt seem to mind.

We must protect ourselves first.

You could make this your first boundary, if he wants to drink, he can get a job so he can afford it.

I hope you keep coming back. There is much to learn.

Luv, Bettina

karlie764 · Member

Thanks Bettina - It's my thought to pull the money out but I do not want to think I am taking control of whether he drinks or not - I just don't want to waste our money. I appreciate yhour experience in this.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Karla,

Ask yourself if it is your responsibility to enable his drinking with money you have earned. You are only controling whether you will be able to eat and keep the power on.

Alcoholism is progressive, it continues to only get worse. It's your decision, but it's a bridge that has to be crossed, now or down the road.

Alcoholism never goes away, never.

Take careof yourself first, and do what you feel is right for you. We like to say "The Next 'Right' Thing For You".

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 10th of February 2011 04:48:49 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Karlie...Learning how to be responsible is one of the big lessons of recovery.
How, what, where, when and why. When I left those responsibilities open to the
disease we became poor and church mice and I became starry eyed in amazement
as my alcoholic use to wipe out the checking and savings account with the help
of the bank. Joint accounts don't need two signatures if it isn't set up that way
and I always trusted my alcoholic/addict wife. I needed new thinking and new
behaviors or face bankruptsy and in the end when I used those new tools of
responsibility she went into orbit with self centered righteousness. Didn't care
She drank and used over 8 grand and $247.00 was left for the creditors.

When I speak of my alcoholic/addict I'm not talking about a rational and sane
person. It takes a rational and sane person to act responsibily and an active
alcoholic isn't near that. Twix my alcoholic and myself we had very different
perspectives...I was trying to look at what was in front of us and she was looking
for her next drink and drug. Under those conditions I would be the one held
most responsible so I grabbed the reins and didn't react to the yelling, screaming,
longing for the next drink or drug and the like. I did it for me and not because
of her. Al-Anon taught me that and I am forever grateful. You're not taking
control of his drinking or using you're taking responsibility for the finances. See
there is a real difference and we gotta be taught it and learn it.

One of the things I used on the "scheduling" issue when I first got into program
was to call the program "treatment" and at times that allowed me to make the
meetings. It really is treatment. Keep coming back here (((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.