I am only as sick as my secrets - Al-Anon Family Group

kath

Senior Member

Status: Offline

Posts: 125

Date: Feb 10, 2011

I am only as sick as my secrets	Permalink

I havent been coming to the board for a while. I have relapsed. I have been in pain for about two weeks now. I have been to a meeting, talked to my sponsor, and read literature. Have been doing the "act as if" or "fake it till you make it". I am still focusing on the incident that happened nearly TWO WEEKS ago. My AH sent me a text saying that he wanted to see his daughter. Since October I thought that maybe things could work between us. We are separated. He came here for one weekend and I totally over reciprocated. I made a boundary that he was not to use in around us, and he kept that boundary. I still knew he was using and in the rat race. This time around I noticed even more just how much his life revolves around the high. I had left a movie at his house, and when I came in to get it the whole house was filled with smoke. I screamed and cried and yelled. After that I decided to let him have a chance once more. He was working and I thought maybe he was turning around. What scared me though is when he was out of his drug of choice and left while we were visiting him to go get high. That was the final straw. I am safely at my home. He sent me a message two weeks ago saying that he wanted to see his daughter. I told him that he could see her anytime here at my home but since he was getting high that I would not be able to let him leave with her. He sent several hateful messages to me accusing me of things, that his children were going to take me to court to get their sister because I was such an unfit mother. He stated he was going to die soon anyway. He stated he did not ever want to speak to me again. On our daughter's birthday he did not call. His children sent text messages wanting to see her and saying that they would give anything to be with their baby sister on her birthday. I stated that they were more than welcome to come out here to visit her. I have always been the one to take the responsibility for HIS visitation. I have been staying in the relationship with him so I can be there so I can relieve my guilt for HIS children not being able to see their sister, even though they live with their mother. Now that I have put the responsibility on them, there has been no contact. It is breaking my heart for my daughter. She asks where's daddy. I don't know how to deal with this immense guilt. My sponsor and others tell me that it is not my fault that he doesn't have the transportation to come see her. My problem is that I can't stop feeling like this is all my fault. This is the worst thing I have had to do again!! I have had to protect my other daughter from my abusive ex husband because he abused her on one of her visitations. I just know that my AH is actively using and I do not trust him to care for our two year old who is fast and gets into everything. I feel like a monster, I guess because I can't stand having somebody angry at me. I know that there are several of my AH's friends and family that think I am evil and that he is not so bad, and how dare I take his child away. I did not grow up around drugs, they are illegal and children should not be around that activity. My AH has grown up in that environment and sees nothing wrong with it. He even smokes with his son, just like his dad did with him. It makes me sick. I think about this situation every day. I give it to God then take it back. I pray for him for them, and it just won't go away. I feel like none of them believe the extent of his addiction. His ex leaves her kids with him all the time. They are older, but nonetheless are blind to what he does. I am hurting at the loss of my husband. I am hurting for my baby who doesn't understand. I am angry with myself for being so stupid and believing his charm. I wanted someone to love me so desperately. He must have seen that and taken full advantage. I am afraid that I have married and created a child with someone who is dishonest, and manipulative. I truly think he sends me messages that he misses her because he wants to get at me. I just don't understand how he could stay away from her if he has the chance to see her at my home if he misses her so much. I am crushed that I got into another relationship with an A. I am crushed that I had another child with an A. I love my children dearly and I am only trying to protect them. I am being accused of things that are not true. It bothers me. It really bothers me. How could I send our baby over to a house that I know is a bad environment? My AH just doesn't get it. He hates me. The things he said to me hurt. I was reading some older posts on members in this situation. I am thankful for the ESH on this subject of children and the A. Please pray for our family. I am struggling with my decision. I am wavering on my boundary. I am afraid he would try to come out here and take her from me. I have no proof for the courts for what he is doing. I think that typing this out has helped get some of this poison out of me. I hope that you don't mind this is so long. I really appreciate any comments. Mainly I just want to be supported. I have decided not to move. Sometimes my reactions to situations are to flee. I feel safe right where I am. Repairs need to be done to this old house. I worry about it all the time. I worry way too much even when I know it does no good. Just feeling stuck right now. In limbo. Want to forget about the A just once, but my addiction to him won't allow it. I am seeing growth spurts. I feel crazy though. One minute I feel like things will be okay, and the next I am thrown into a terror. I am tired and just pray for healing from my Creator. I love Him so much for saving my goofy neck so many times, how could I believe He would all of a sudden drop me now? Thanks for listening/reading. Have a splendid day, Kath PS. My secret is that I have been holding in this resentment toward him for two weeks now and afraid to post it here because I want to be perfect and have a perfect program which I realize is not reality. -- Edited by kath on Thursday 10th of February 2011 01:56:56 PM -- Edited by kath on Thursday 10th of February 2011 01:57:37 PM __________________

Debilyn

~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline

Posts: 3653

Date: Feb 10, 2011

RE: you are only as sick as your secrets	Permalink

Ok, you feel guilty, like a bad mother, bad person. This is my view. I see you as a strong, protective, sticks to her convictions, protective, intelligent mother. I see a lady who is taking someone elses guilt, the AH's. Somehow you have gotten mixed up. This is where we MUST love ourselves. Have faith in ourself that we know what is best for us and our child. He is not him honey, he is his disease. What you see as hating you, blaming you is the disease, not the man. We have to protect ourselves from this disease! His not being there, daughter asking about Daddy, is sad. However tell the truth. Daddy is busy. Keep it simple. If baby wanted to smoke a cigarette would you let it? Of course not! You are a parent, its is not always easy to keep our kids from what WE know is wrong. When they are 14 and want to go to a party with 18 year olds. You will say no. They will rebel, be stinkers, but we are the parent, we have to be strong enough to not allow their being upset with us bug us. We know what is best! We do have the option of stopping any communication also. He is a danger to your child. He is using his own kids against you. Sick. I have rarely heard of an A getting an attorney to work at getting your kiddo. Beliee me with their back round they could not get the baby anyway. Also I can tell ya write now, if the only liquor store or a person selling other drugs was a block from you, he would figure out how to get there. You owe him nothing. He is a walking disease. Detach, Would you leave your baby with a disease? The man part is inside dormant. Held against his will. It is up to him to change that when he is ready. You are showing HUGE progress. I am VERY proud of you. I did the same thing with my two babies hon. Got an RO on him and did not see him for over 10 years. Anyway keep coming. You are doing great! love,debilyn __________________ Putting HP first, always <(@)> "It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves." http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Aloha

~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline

Posts: 1652

Date: Feb 10, 2011

RE: I am only as sick as my secrets	Permalink

Thanks so much for sharing with us. I understand how you feel. I'm glad you took the opportunity to let it out because it can just bury us if we keep it all pushed down inside. A phrase that I've had to repeat to myself many, many times is "What you think of me is none of my business." I've had to say that whenever I'm afraid someone is mad at me, or thinks I'm a joke, or that I'm incompetent, or any number of negative things that scare me because I want everyone to think I'm perfect. The disease is continually looking for reasons to lash out and it knows you're a perfect target because you've had a history of responding to it the way it likes. You're changing the dance and that leaves the disease scared and frustrated and it's going to lash out harder because it's pretty sure you'll eventually give it the response its used to. If you fall back to your normal way of responding to the disease, then the disease can feel better about itself again because its getting its way, all at the hefty price of your morals. Keep getting yourself to meetings. I've found when I'm having a particularly hard time with things that I needed to increase the number of meetings I made it to during the week - and if there weren't Al-Anon meetings available, I could still get my butt over to an open AA meeting instead. I also had to practice picking up that 1,000-pound phone and calling my sponsor and letting it all out - reasoning things out with another person, essentially. Above all, remember "This, too, shall pass." There are brighter days ahead. Again, thanks for sharing. __________________

pineapple

~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline

Posts: 844

Date: Feb 10, 2011

	Permalink
Sorry I have no esh to share. Just wanted to send you a hug (((kath))) and say you will be in my prayers- __________________

hotrod

~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline

Posts: 17196

Date: Feb 11, 2011

Permalink

Dear Kath

I hear you and am sorry that this is a difficult time for you.

Thank you for trusting MIP enough to allow yourself to be HUMAN. I have learned that one of my most powerful defects was that I too had to be perfect--perfect program-- perfect wife --perfect job. Ic ould never be vulnerable. I thank HP and al anon each day for giving me the right and privilege to be human. I do not have to be perfect and can make mistakes. I have a 10th Step that even shows me what to do with these mistakes to correct them when they happen.

Keep on doing what you are doing one day at a time I promis you the ligth will shine

__________________

Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud

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