I've posted previously that my 17.5 yr old son is staying with a friend.  The mom offered for him to stay there, essentially a decision made without my direct consent, other than I did say that if he couldn't live by my rules he couldn't live with me.  My ex said the same.  Though it is not the best place, it is a safe place.  I learned in counseling last week, that son doesn't plan on coming home before turning 18. I thought he was just going for a couple of weeks. Of course, its all my fault, and he takes no ownership of his behavior.  In my gut, I know it is the right decision, but my mama heart has been having a hard time. This time without him has been stressfully peaceful.

We started family therapy (soberr exAH, son and me) when this happened (mid Jan).  Son agreed to go, and does so willingly and respectfully, but the past two times tried to gently get out of it.  Today was supposed to be just son with ex, but son claimed he "wasn't ready" and so the Dr. decided to meet with me and ex instead to see what we wanted, and figure out a game plan to get there.  Frustrating at first, in that I wanted him just to tell us what to do.  Instead, we talked of how we  change.  Basically, if we want different we have to do different, and allowing son home now without some big changes ( true commttment and action from him) is just going back to the same thing.  Anyhow, the Dr talked of being neutral and drama-free and to to put the focus on us and let our son take the responsibility for coming back to the family or not.  He has a home, he just needs to choose want to be in it by following the rules.  In this, it was also suggested I not pay the mother since it is a contract she made with son.  She can support him, open the door to leave, or ask him to do something to support himself.  Period. As for going to therapy, the Dr suggested just telling son our set day and time and leaving it up to him to call us to join us.  He suggests us to be totally neutral, to really not act as if it matters or not, and keep the focus off of him.  Okaaay....

 Now this is another difficult part.  His senior trip (a 3 day trip to amusement parks) is coming up.  Balance due is around $300. He could work off some of it by working the sports concession stands which he has done a couple. He has spent all his cash and his bank account is now negative by a few dollars.  I know I need to make him responsible for the bill.  I just sent him a message about that and our therapy time.  This is so different for me (thus probably why I am in the situation I am in).  I want to pay that bill to make sure he gets to go.  Yes, I want to save him again, but I won't. So, I write here instead.

Yep, tough love is tough. I hope I can make it the long haul. All through the session today I could see al-anon principles at work. Pretty cool.

Blessings,
Lou