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Well the first week of the AH home from rehab,Laid out all of my boundaries LOUD & CLEAR.
#1 We talked about them and within hours, he broke thru my boundary. Not understanding a word I just said...UGGGG. They were important boundaries regarding contact with my children...
I told him, he needed to go back to his counselor & maybe she can help him understand what damage he has done to the family. And no, I didnt have a very sweet tone to my voice at this point. I was mad...He always has some excuse. I explained to him, that it truely shows me NO RESPECT..
He came back home with the mind set of HE'S CURED, LIFE IS GREAT and EVERYTHING IS IN MY PAST, IM SOBER NOW...Bwah Blah Bwah
#2 I also told him I do classes online and requested that he dont interupt me when I on line. 5 days later he walks into the room, ask me what Im doing. I told him I am working on me, please excuse me. He tells me, that is rude, and ask again, what I am doing online.
He gets upset, walks into the kitchen & lays down his 3 sober chips & goes to bed....( Is that like...I will show you, or Im done staying sober, or what??) - The next morning he got up, and put them all back in his pocket
Boundaries...They were mine, I set them, and he broke them NOW WHAT?????
There was another incident, that actually had me spitting fire. i wont go into details, but feel like I lost all of my boundaries & wondering if a person ever really trust these people again....
Sure you work your steps, but it is still in the back of your mind, wondering & waiting.
-- Edited by KimmyJo on Thursday 10th of February 2011 01:35:04 AM
Aloha Kimmy...good post. Great reminder for me that when I started to set boundaries I had to kill my expectations, learn forgiveness and grace and mercy and ....what else? Ooooh yeah tolerance. Otherwise I wasn't drawing a line in the sand but building the great wall of China. Give yourself time and allow him to have some of it too. ((((hugs))))
In my opinion ~ Newly sober can be HELL on EARTH ~ for a relationship!!
FOR BOTH OF YOU!
There can be so much tension - so many expectations, so much of being "on guard".
For me, I was very defensive. I so had the attitude (not saying this is YOU - I'm saying this was ME ok???) ~ had the attitude of I will never be taken advantage of again, never have a boundary broken ever in my life ~ today I know that is probably an unrealistic expectation.
My recovery program taught me something I had never heard before - I could say what mean, mean what I say, but I didn't have to say it mean. Boy did I need to learn that one. In the beginning of new sobriety - I was mean ~ it was because I had not processed all of that anger that had been repressed during those active years. So I did the step work with my sponsor - and let go of it for my own health & it became easier. I am so glad I did - because I did have to get firmer with my boundaries but I didn't have to get meaner.
And I also learned I didn't have to take on anyone else's reactions to my boundaries either. That was in their own garden of self.
Your AH is new to sobriety - probably adjusting to those big changes to and will probably have quite a few FREAK outs himself - maybe you can allow him to have those in his own garden, just know you don't have to take on anything he dumps out.
When the heat of the moment has calmed down - COMMUNICATION can be the key to say ~ "Hey - we really didn't handle that issue in a recovery way but I would like to - wouldn't you? when you have time can we talk about a better, healthier way to resolve it and try to avoid it in the future?"
Just some tools I have learned during my walk in recovery - sometimes it works and regretably sometimes it doesn't
All you can do is keep trying to find what is healthy for you and then try to find what is healthy for you & he as a couple! Just sharing my e, s, & h - take what you like & leave the rest!
PINK HUGS, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
All I can tell you Kimmy is from my own experience as an alcoholic. I passed through a phase in my first year sober where I was even more selfish and childish than when I'd been drinking. Even if he stays the course in AA, it is going to take time from him to grow from being a self-absorbed childlike person to the man he was meant to be. It is up to you if you have the patience to deal with this. I don't know if it will help you to remember that you are dealing with someone who has no coping skills now that his main method of coping is gone. He is going to act childish and not respect rules and boundaries for a while. It's going to take time and a serious amount of patience on your part. That said, boundaries are healthy for you and your program so I don't know what you should do. Just adding my experience and hope it helps some. Prayers for you!
I can only give you my experience of doing boundaries. Initially my expectations were way off. Any alcoholic is not going to be able to see and maintain boundaries. It is to be expected that they do something to break them. The idea is to not be sucked down with that. Put the boundary back up, examine a different response. If I tell people I am busy and they question me I don't answer them. I keep on with the task.
For me personally the core issue for dealing with an alcoholic (sober or not) is that I review my expectations. I expect them to be dysfunctional, boundary breaking, lie and create chaos. I don't expect them to change overnight.
Please do get a copy of Getting them Sober (offered above) the author has a very interesting and informed perspective on early sobriety.
