The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here and this is my first post. I figured it would be best to start by laying it all out on the table. My boyfriend of a year is a drug addict. He is the most amazing man I have ever met. I want to spend my life with him. He is the hardest worker I know, always attentive to my needs, always complimenting me and showering me with affection. He is fair and has a big heart. The problem? He happens to have an addiction habit that costs us hundreds of dollars a week. He lies to me on a regular basis. I try and ask myself if it is even a problem because of my first statement on the type of man he is. I try and tell myself that if I show him enough love and attention, he will realize he is worth it and want to quit for himself. Honestly, it's eating me alive. I have become obsessed with his addiction. I am looking in his pockets, constantly checking his phone (always a confirmation that he has regular contact with dealers). Everytime he leaves the room I am wondering if he is going to snort pills. (this is his current addiction). I have tried to let it go, tried to concentrate more on myself. Yet I always come back with the sick feeling in the pit of my stomache, on how can I monitor, and fix this. I do not want to lose him, or push him away, but I'm finding it so difficult not to lose myself. Please help...
(((faith84))) This is probably not what you want to hear, but you can't fix him. Your love and attention are not enough. He has to want to fix himself. You probably know by now that checking his pockets and phone are useless. It only causes you anxiety, makes not a bit of difference to him or his addiction. One of the first things I learned here was the three Cs (although I admit it was hard to accept at first) You didn't CAUSE it You can't CONTROL it You can't CURE it The good news is that you can fix YOU. Alanon can help you put the focus back on you instead of him. I too have had the feeling of being lost. But there is hope. You're not alone. Keep coming back, there is much wisdom and comfort to be found here.
Agree with Pineapple, there isnt enough love in the the whole universe that would even begin to keep them away from their addictions.
Is it his money he is spending on the drugs. ??? I want to know in what way is he so amazing. ?? Amazing people dont snort pills up their nose.
My experience with the addict(XAH) who smothered me with affection, compliments, attention was all driven by his guilt. He didnt feel guilty when he got another woman pregnant after 26 years of marriage.
You have an obsession and denial Faith and its with and about the addict, we have all had this affliction. It will continue to get worse as his addiction gets worse.
Save yourself Faith, join us and recover with us. Alanon has the tools for you to gain your peace and serenity.
Faith welcome, I am glad you reached out for others experience, strength and hope. I agree with what has been said already about love. If you could love someone out of addiction, or love them enough to allow them to see what they are doing to themselves we wouldnt have any addicts now would we. Love never cured anyone. The only thing I would like to add is believe what you see, not the "potential" of the person you see. If only they would this , that and the other...They are doing exactly what they want and until they see it as a problem if ever there isnt a thing you can do about it. You on the other hand you can get yourself healthy, we get crazier than the user from all of this....addiction is progressive, if they dont get better they get worse and we are the same..if we dont get better we get worse. I would suggest running to alanon :) blessings and thank you sharing your story with us:) we hear you.
(((((Faith))))) I was you not so long ago, as so many of us were, and some still are. I agree with all of the previous posts. There is no amount of love that we can give that will change someone, that love has to come from within themselves. I truly understand how you are feeling. I did every thing you are doing and going out of my mind with worry. I became obsessed, and some times I let it consume me, but before I let it swallow me whole, I came here, and learned. This is just as much your life as it is his, and the only way things will change is when one of you change them. I know how hard it is to take the focus off of him, and put it where it belongs, on YOU, but it's time to do that, you be the change, take care of you...YOU are worth the effort!
jeannie
p.s. Your post and all of the feedback was a great reminder to us all, and today I REALLY needed that! Keep coming back, this is a great family to belong to.
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
An amazing boyfriend wouldn't lie to you either. It seems really strange but the healthiest relationship is the one I am in now and I think part of this is evidenced by me not feeling like I have to go to extremes or that I will fall apart if I lose him. I'll be fine either way. You don't need him, you don't need the compliments from him that bad, you also don't need the aggravation. Ideally, you want someone that is there just to enjoy and not have to worry about controlling, checking on, or fixing them. This will come about when you can give yourself the lion's share of love, compliments, and whatever else your needs are. Getting all your needs for attention and affection from him is going to drive you nuts. Love yourself because nobody else can do it better!! Once you have that down, you will be fine with or without him and that is the strongest way to be in a relationship. I hope this makes sense and I know it's easier said than done.
Other people here and in Alanon meetings are more qualified to help you along in this journey. I hope you give it a shot.
Oh you sound like ME!!! Listen, I know that what I have to say is NOT what you want to hear. My husband is also an amazing wonderful, loving man- when he's clean. And lately, that's not as often as it should be! Please, Faith, DO NOT tie yourself to this man! He is showing NO signs of wanting to quit and it will only get worse... In my case, I knew he was a "recovered" addict, but like you, I thought that if I loved him enough, he would stay clean. I followed him to a foreign country- I am now living in Mexico- and now he is using again. I have found all kinds of skeletons in his closet and looking back, I wish I would have had the strength to walk away when the first warning signs showed up, but I loved him and needed him and felt like he needed me... Now I realize that needing him and wanting him to need me were faults and insecurities that I had, and as much as I love him, I would have made alot of decisions alot differently if I had it to do over. I have no doubt that your BF has alot of amazing qualities, but remember- the addict has learned to manipulate so they can get what they want. In my husband's case this means in part that he can be a wonderful man and make me feel like a princess, but it's always with his own motives behind it... Get help for you. I married my addict and I don't believe in divorce, and now I don't know what to do. But you have a choice and you don't have to live this way.
Thank you guys so much for your responses! And your right, it's not what I want to hear but I understand it's what I have to hear. I've started going to counseling and plan to start going to Al Anon meetings. The worst part about the situation is that I am not ready to let him go. I knew about his addiction before we were together. We are both young, and he has been an addict all of his adult life and most of his childhood. When I met him I told myself, that he was worth it and I would stand by him. I guess in the beginning I didn't realize how bad it was. Or that it would eventually start breaking me down. He has never stolen from me or used my money for his drugs. However, we live together, along with my six year old daughter. He Works a great job that he has had for 6 years, and he's usually only providing a quarter or less of his money towards our bills. We have talked about it several times, he has told me that no other woman has made it this far with him. However, when I try to boost his extremely low confidence he tells me that he is not the prince I make him out to be. He says that I have him up on a pedestal and I shouldn't. Although he does lies to me and it tears me up every time I realize it, I don't understand how he can be so functional, level headed in most cases, and continue with his habit. I have dated a lot of other men the past several years and even with his addiction, he stands out to me as the most level headed and loving. I feel like we belong together, if only we could somehow get past this problem. Maybe I'm just fooling myself.
welcome faith, I hope u give alanon a fair shake and take your life back from this disease. You cannot trust someone that lies to you - and there it is. Of course they appear amazing and dynamic, it takes a lot of pretending to hide the fact that they loathe themselves. When u tell him how great he is, he cant stomach it bc he doesnt believe that about himself. If we can love them, they who are so "unlovable" then they think that gives them the right to be cruel to us.
I am concerned for your 6 yr old - who is there feeling all the emotions that you both feel. See we are putting off our signals of reality as we see it - all the time, we put off what we consciously say and do and then we put off what we subconsciously think and feel. When we are brutally honest with ourselves and engaged in reality - and someone lies to us, we know, we can feel it. Soon he will start manipuating this so that u think ur the one going crazy and u have all of this self doubt - bc they blame us so they can justify using.
I fouond that the only thing that allows others to feel peace, accepted and loved - is to not tell them my personal opinions about their life choices, to not stroke thier ego - no one likes a manipulator even thought they themselves are manipulative too. We both resent it, we resent them not taking our super great advice and they resent us for giving it and not accepting them as they are. This doesnt mean u stay in denial - denial of our problems is what keeps them alive.
Focus on you and on the solutions. What is healthiest for YOU? It is YOUr life after all. We all know how magnetic and dynamic and exciting A's can be. Listen with your eyes and not to the words spoken but what are the real actions taking place?
No kid ought to grow up like that - feeling like they have to prove something to us to be liked. Kids ought to feel loved and supported, not like they have to please and help the parent. I learend this behavior in childhood and I as an adult now know my behavior is a choice. When I change my thoughts, my feeelings change. No one can make me feel like I am lost unless I volunteer to do that. No one can make u feel bad about yourself, unless u already believe that. Forgive yourself for trying to control another and practise gaining self mastery - omg it feels amazing on the days I have it!
We all have our own walks on this human life. No one can feel it for us or live it for us. Our lives are a consequence of the choices we make ~ it is never personal. Detach with love form his issues and focus on you (your isssues and feeeings) and how to have self love (self awareness, acceptance, kind nurturing love and forgiveness) so that u can emulate that and have healthy boundaries for you and your child.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am so glad you found this group. I lived with a now ex A for 7 years. Initially he could not do enough for me. That shower of kindness, specific actions on his part and attention meant that I did not see the wood for the trees. He was always an addict, he always had huge issues with driving (suspended license) and he spent all his time with other addicts. There was no switch I was just seduced by his behavior and indeed I could be seduced at any time when he deigned to come back and reform.
Al anon can indeed help you tremendously. A very kind member of this group also offers a book Getting them Sober (at the top of this page). That book will certainly help you to see a different perspective.
These days I use my al anon tools to work, live and make better decisions. Initially I wanted it all to change overnight and the most critical person I wanted to change was the now ex A. He did not change. I did. Nothing but nothing I did ever influenced his addiction. The disease was progressive and he eventualy went downhill to a very low point.
I have been leaning on this board for years and found tremendous fellowship, love and understanding here. Welcome.
First off let me start by saying how much I appreciate all of your reply's and support. I will take all of what you say into consideration. I plan on continuing with this site. Sometimes I am unsure if maybe I am just blowing this addiction problem out of proportion. Maybe I'm making it seem worse than it is. In any case, my main question now is. It seems as if all of this advice is leading towards one conclusion. That I should leave him? Is that the only alternative. Is it possible to be happy living with someone who is an addict, as long as you mkae sure to put yourself and your children first? Is leaving the only answer?
