The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, Again, it's been way too long since I've posted, and if I'm going to be honest, way too long since I've been here at all. About 3 months ago, I moved all of my abf's belongings out into the hallway of our apt building (which is our storage area). I hurt every day, and miss him, but I don't miss the chaos that was our life. Every day I walk by his things, wondering why he has yet to come and get them, and why I haven't thrown them out onto the curb. I am having a really hard time moving forward with my self and my life. I am in such a state of flux, with no real end in sight. I was doing well, had gotten myself financially stable only to have lost my job and now the anthill is growing into a mountain. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what it is that I am feeling and why I'm feeling it. Do I miss him, or do I miss just having someone around?? Am I strong enough to do this on my own...I just don't know. I have so many questions, so many mixed emotions and I feel like I am gonna break! We spent the better part of nine years together, and though there were many bad, bad times, there were also many good times, and now, when I need to remind myself of the bad times, I can only remember the good. Has anyone else been through this? I feel so alone.
jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
We are encouraged to let the past go , but occasionally we have to look back in total honesty to realize exactly what it was like , do you really want that back in your life , i am assuming your not attending al anon f2f , please find a meeting , living with him or with out him you too need to recovery from the effects of someone elses drinking and this is just too damn hard to do alone . you need support from people who understand , do this for you ,your worth it .
Yes. I have been through that. With me it accompanied feeling vulnerable and wanting to put a bandaid on a wound rather than go through the more painful process of healing. I feel for you. You are going through some rough changes. I appreciate the honesty.
When you say "Do I miss him or do I just miss having someone around?"....If you really missed HIM, you would not have to ask the second part of that question. You answered it yourself in my opinion.
Keep reaching out to friends and people in the fellowship. You don't have to go through all this alone.
I spent a lot of time focused on the ex A. Indeed like any relationship there were lots of things to wind up. The ex A stored some of his things in my storage and certainly he took a long time and much chaos to come and get them.
My expectations of bouncing back have changed. There were many things that were in my path to block them. Finances were a huge part of why I stayed with the ex A, I was also tremendously dependent on him emotionally and absolutely reactive to everything he did. Detaching was indeed a skill I had to work at! I had to be willing to be a beginner in order to get practice in. The more I praticed the better I got.
I'm so glad you are here and can lean on this group. I hope you will get yourself a copy of Getting them Sober (offered at the top of this page).
Thank you for your words of wisdom! I do know deep down, that I have to move on, but as you said, Maresie, I, too, have been so dependent upon him for just about everything, that it's so hard for me to find myself and take those first steps to do so. We spent so many years going around and around on the same merry-go-round, that I don't know quite how to get off of it. The void of not worrying, not watching, not waiting has been filled by fear and terror of what now...at least while we were together, I usually had an idea of what was around the corner, and as scary as that sometimes was, it was, at least, familiar. I have read Getting Them Sober, and Codependent No More, and so many others, and logically, they all make sense to me, its just the emotional part that I'm having difficulty dealing with. I have been coming here off and on for about 4yrs now, and the ESH I have gotten through all of you have been paramount in leading me to make the choice that I made, to end the chaos...I guess I didn't realize that ending it would hurt in its own way too.
jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Nine years is an incredibly long time. Healing is going to take time too. When I split from my ex...I was terrified of being alone and had problems just going to sleep at night. I had to have the TV on to not feel so alone. It was a very rough adjustment. Remember to be gentle with yourself if you can!
I am trying! I, too, have had a hard time sleeping at night, and dealing with being alone. I spent so many years focused on him, that I withdrew from my friends and family It's so hard now to figure out where I belong and how to fit in and reconnect with everyone I kept at arm's length. I don't want to feel so paralyzed any more and some times I feel that the harder I try, the worse it gets.
jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
L...been there and done that also and thank HP for the program and an early sponsor. They almost had to surgically remove my alcoholic/addict from my side I had her so tightly attached and what they did was help me substitute Higher Powers....A God of my understanding for my alcoholic/addict wife and so it began. The lack of sleep came from realizing that no matter how bad things had become or were at the time I still had her...my teddy bear...next to me at night. I had given up thumb sucking so cuddling was the only thing left for me. One night I found myself unable to sleep trying to count the ceiling tile holes above me in the dark and when I realized what I just mentioned I told my Higher Power what my condition was (I missed her) and could HP please come down and sleep next to me. HP will even do that at least for me and after I felt my HP take "her" position next to me I never lost another nights sleep because she was somewhere else. I was led to it, practiced it and it worked...for me.
HP is also helping us with the financial condition as ours is ugh!! lost for an adequate description fitting for this board. (((((hugs)))))
