The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Heard that in my Al Anon meeting tonight. Wow, really took my breath away. I posted the other day about how I have focused completely on my wife and not at all on myself. Why did she say that? Why did she do that? Why didn't she say/do that? It's been that way since we met. It's a wonder she married me.
One of my biggest frustrations with my wife is her insecurities. Even small conversations can be difficult and painful because she is so insecure. Just a small thing can set her off and make her feel horrible about herself. I have found it to be so frustrating and have said to myself so many times "why does she have to be like that? Why can't she be comfortable around me? Why is she constantly doubting herself".
It's sometimes hard for me to remember, but in my younger years I was painfully insecure. I felt that I was horribly unattractive and couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. Eventually, in my mid to late 20's, I "got over it". How? In hindsight, I realize that I got over it by simply ignoring it, and not focusing on me (ding ding ding!). I was critical of everyone else around me (ding ding ding!) and it made me feel better. And suddenly, I wasn't insecure anymore. Phew!
Then tonight, at a meeting, I hear someone say "if you spot it, you got it". I laughed, along with everyone else. Then I thought...and applied it to my situation. And realized I've never truly dealt with those insecurities. That frustration I feel towards my wife when she's insecure? Guess what that is.
I've always squirmed under that part of Al-Anon... I've heard many times over, too, when I'm pointing my finger at someone, if I take a look at my hand, there's three fingers pointing right back at me.
It can be downright obnoxious, too, knowing that my mind is really not so different from the A's. It processes things and functions in scarily similar ways. It's the perfectionist in me that wants to scream "No! I'm not like that!"
I just have to learn to be okay with being wrong. And YES, when someone's behavior is disturbing me, 99.99% of the time it's because there's something inside of ME that's not okay and could use some work.
That is just so wicked, short and sharp and straight to the point, I just can't grasp anything until I understand the why's and where for's, just understanding that I did so much damage when I didn't know I didn't know, I think i just thought a new one up for newcomers, you just don't know that you didn't know, but now you do know you can grow. I perhaps heard something like this here or else dreamt it.
When I am on my motorbike and a policeman is following me, I make so many mistakes, I don't like being under the microscope, yet I have done alot of policing in my time, best to swallow my own medicine me thinks.
Super doooooooooper shares coming out this week, love yours.
Ooooh, that's good! I'm adding that one to my program arsenal.
For what it's worth, usedtobe, I am much like your wife in that most statements directed toward me pass through my low self-esteem filter and take on a negative slant. Unless the statements are unequivocably positive, they will usually be perceived by me as a criticism or a dig. (One of the things I'm working to change!)
My ABF grew up in a large rough-and-tumble family where "teasing" (some of it sounds like it was actually pretty nasty and vicious) was the normal interaction. So when he aims it at me, he thinks of it as harmless teasing, and I perceive it as needling me about my failings. If I express that a comment of his has hurt my feelings, he promptly goes on the defensive and calls me "oversensitive" or tells me that my insecurity is my problem, not his.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I am much like your wife and take everything personally. If someone says something to critique me, I see it so much worse than what was said. If someone says something to complement me, I struggle to even say thanks because I think so poorly of myself. My bf is the same and you are right. If you spot it, you got it. It is so very true. I am working on accepting myself so I can say "thank you" when someone complements me and really mean "thank you"... Thanks for this share!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Very powerful stuff, UsedToBe. I, too, struggle with crippling insecurity at times. It has gotten better since my divorce from my first husband, but I still feel very badly about myself at times. I do think I've gotten a lot better over the last few years at learning to focus on myself (except, of course, where my AH and my highly co-dependent mother are concerned). It has also helped me move on from some very hurt feelings to think about the phenomenon in the reverse...people who have judged me in the past and been hard on me, well, before it would have just fueled my rampant insecurity. Now it is MUCH easier for me to step back from that feeling and tell myself "they are judging me because they feel like crap about themselves. They are being hard on me, and blaming me, because they do not want to take a long hard look in the mirror and examine their own flaws." So "if you spot, it you got it" definitely runs both ways, and can actually help me feel BETTER about myself when I realize it is true for other people, too.
I'm adding that one to my program arsenal.