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My girlfriend is an alcoholic, and on again off again in recovery. I want nothing more than to marry her and raise a family (eventually), but have decided it's a bad idea until she can get her drinking under control. I don't even know if she can go nine days without a drink, she hasn't yet, so nine months seems a highly unlikely and dangerous gamble.
Last night she was hesitant about using birth control, and I rather bluntly told her that I was not going to knock her up while she is still drinking, it would be horrific to do that to the child. If we end up having kids in the future and they have problems, fine, but we need to avoid the obvious risks associated with alcohol during pregnancy.
She took that rather poorly, and was hurt. I wasn't trying to hurt her (as I have in the past with my angry words, I'm working hard on that and realize it's highly counterproductive), but she certainly was hurt.
Is there a way to discuss this without making her feel like hell, or is it going to be a painful discussion no matter what?
She wants a child more than anything, and so do I, I love her with all of my heart, but she hasn't been able to lay off the sauce. If she doesn't stop drinking, I'm not going to risk getting her pregnant. Period. But stating it like that is pretty rough...
Whether or not she can last nine months is really only about 10 percent of the problem. No matter how great her capacity to love her kids, alcoholism will trump that if she is not in recovery. One way recovery is like pregnancy is you're either in it or not. One way it's not like pregnancy is that pregnancy ends, recovery needs to be maintained for ever. Trust your instincts on this.
It sounds as if you told her your stance with anger in your voice. It's certainly justified to be angry at alcoholism, even angry at the whole state of things that makes something you want so far out of reach. However, as you know, anger doesn't change anything as far as their drinking -- unfortunately. If it did, there would be no alcoholics.
The bald statistic is that around 20%-25% of alcoholics who go into recovery make it to longterm sobriety. I wish I had known that before I had a child with my alcoholic ex. Your instincts are right -- having an alcoholic parent is a hard, hard thing for a child. Many people spend the rest of their lives trying to recover from it. That's not even mentioning fetal alcohol syndrome, which has no cure.
So the odds are huge that your gf will continue to drink. So as the saying goes: she's going to do what she's going to do -- what are you going to do?
One thing to do, for most of us, is to spell out our position on the subject, calmly, just once, just so we can always say to ourselves, "Well, I tried." Something like, "I am troubled about your drinking. Whether you think so or not, I think it's excessive and dangerous. For us to continue together/marry/have a baby [whatever you say in this part], both of us would have to be secure in longterm recovery programs. For you that would be AA, for me that would be Al-Anon. I can't tell you what to do. I just know that I can't go forward unless that happens."
Picking a calm time to do this would probably help keep the discussion from escalating to anger. If your gf is like most alcoholics, she will argue. But you don't have to argue back. Nothing we say will convince them sobriety is important, not until they're ready on their own. So there's no point to arguing.
The good news is that we don't have to wait for them to start recovery before we start our own recovery. The insanity of alcoholism starts to draw us in even before we realize it. Do work on your recovery and keep on protecting yourself. Keep coming back.
Addiction and alcoholism is a disease that hurts absolutely everyone in it comes into contact with. It manipualates our love and our self respect and eventually will rob everything. I grew up with an emotionally unavailable (and unrecovered from the abuse she suffered with her alcoholic parent).
All kids want is for their parents to be peaceful and happy. Clearly ur gf is not in a position to do this right now or anytime soon. Kids need a mother longer then a year or two and minor kids will suffer in this lifestyle and disease until and unless the custodian, parent or care giver gets recovery.
Life isnt just getting our needs met, but being peaceful and resepctful of one's own self. I wish my mom emulated self love to me. Instead all I saw was chaos, manipualtion and how to self sacrifice which set me up for a lifetime of getting my needs ignored by people that used me. Kids feel that they must deserve that poor treatment if their own parents neglected to grow up and take self accountability and responsibility for themselves before starting in on an innocent life. That is extremely unfair and trust me your kids will have a hard time forgiving you.
I would say pretend your little sister or a best friend's sister came to you and said, they want to have a baby with this drug addict but they dont work and dont stop drugging. Does that sound like a good idea to you? Life is not about what you "want" but about what is healthy and what we need. Be extemely brutally honest about what your motivation is. A kid challenges our lives, it never makes it easier. If u think this will change her or she will stay sober during her pregnany at this rate, then I would suggest that you are in denial of the reality of the problem.
You deserve a sane loving whole partner that is available to you and engaged in the relationship and in reality. A kid deserves sane and loving parents that can protect them and see to their needs.
I would say work on you gettting a solid program of recovery of your own. If u want to be with an A and love them, u need a lot of support and boundaries and love in the fellowship. Get your needs clearly defined versus your wants and fantasies.
You can only change and control you - u wont ever control another person. Not even your kids, they resent the manipualtion and they resent being blamed. Change what u can now. Kids need structure and boundareis/consequences and parents not friends or driunking buddies. Growing up like that, with the child having to clean up a drunk parent - it is not anyting I would heap upon my worst enemy. It robs ur childhood, ur parents from you, your spouse and the list goes on and on.
Please get to meeting and learn all u can about alcoholism and how to stop enabling. Learn how to take your life back from the disease and dont think for one second the manipulation works, it doesnt you all just resent each other for it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease that continues "only" to get worse if left unchecked. Without recovery the A is living on a slipery slope. They call it "alcohol-ism" and not "alcohol-wasum" for a reason. The disease is in control of the A, alcohol is always #1......Always.
B L, Al-Anon is for people who have been effected by someone else's drinking. You qualify. You have a major decision to make in your life. Take the time, find and start attending face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area. You will not regret it. This board is great, but nothing can replace f2f meetings. You need the help and support that other members in the rooms of Al-Anon can offer you, what has worked for them.
Keep coming back and posting, read prior post on the site, and research all the information you can about this cunning, baffling, and powerful disease.
Man isn't this a show and tell question!!? B_L you need more information about the disease and what it does to the human body, mind, spirit and emotions and what it does to families, jobs, businesses, marriages, children, finances, doctor bills, DNA, genetics and on and on and on. I got a vasectomy because I wanted to be in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict who couldn't and didn't want to stop drinking and using. I wanted a relationship with some one who could not and would not be a good partner and mother to our children. She wasn't a real good mother to the children from her former, former marriage. I only thought I was in love but I've heard it called other things like my own addiction.
What was wrong with me...!!? I like to think I can fix anything. I wasn't dumb I was crazy which progressed into clinical insanity and almost into suicide. What a ride!! I got into Al-Anon and went to work fixing my thinking, feelings, spirit and body. The vasectomy is a reminder of how I love to stand 20 feet off the edge of the cliff 3000 feet over the ravine like Wiley E. Coyote.
I would find other guys in Al-Anon in your area to talk to about this thought of yours and sit around the tables and listen to others as they share their experiences, strengths and hopes about what alcoholism has done and is doing to the lives of their families.
Page back and read the elder entries of others who have been thru what you are just thinking about going thru. Learn as much as you can about alcoholism and addiction (another word for alcoholism) and everytime the heat starts to go up run for a cold shower.
Part of my experience is I worked with adolescent children of alcoholic families alot and also sponsored Alateen for years. Talk about the disease taking away happy lives...
Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 8th of February 2011 01:03:21 AM
Well, we had a little conversation about this topic this morning, in quiet surroundings, when we were both feeling relatively ok. It went about as well as can be expected.
I told her I was sorry if anger crept into my previous statement about not getting her pregnant, but that any anger that got in there was stimulated by the intense fear of having a child with fetal alcohol syndrome and/or an active alcoholic mother, and I asked her if she understood that fear.
She said she did understand that.
Thank you all for the comments, they are greatly appreciated. I didn't know what kind of response I would get by just laying it all out there, adult situations included without euphemisms, but I don't tend to beat around the bush. Thanks again.
I very purposely, very effort-fully, very expensively concieved my son with my exaH. I knew he had a problem then, but somehow I convinced myself to overlook that fact and delusionally thought that having a child would change a lot of what I already knew. He was very willing to have me believe that as well.
I don't have any regrets about having my son, as he is amazing and very loved. However, at the tender age of 6, he knows what it's like to be abandonned by his Daddy, he knows that Daddy has a problem with Beer and sometimes that means plan A of visiting Daddy needs to change to plan B of staying with Mommy. My son knows what a broken family is and what it is like to miss his Daddy each day because he doesn't live with us anymore. At 6 yrs old I've heard questions like "Mommy, does Daddy do drugs?" and heard statements like "well, I know you love me A LOT Mommy...and I think Daddy loves me a little bit." because that is how my son interprets his Daddy's actions and disappointments. There is a part of our life that continually grieves the family that we wish was and I don't see an end to that any time soon. It's a pain that lingers in our lives, making it difficult to get past some days. But, we do our best.
So, ... is it a good idea to PURPOSELY have children with an unrecovered alchoholic? I can only say this ... I would not do it again, knowing what i know now.
