The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After a very pleasant 1 week "visit" from my estranged AW after she left rehab, I am noticing the addiction creep back into her life. I should clarify I am using the term "visit" metaphorically, she did not move back in with me, but we did things as a family where she was present and not focused on drinking. I could probably give her the space she needs to find her path, I have two boundaries: I will not live with her if she is actively drinking. I also refuse to be married to someone who is in another relationship.
There is a corollary to the first boundary as well, if I believe she is actively drinking I will do everything possible to keep my kids safe from her addiction.
The first boundary requires patience and a level of trust that she will eventually find her path. However the second boundary is for me; and my own sanity, and it will require me to file for divorce to follow through on.
I believe I could learn the tools and still maintain the first boundary simply with the patience I am noticing others in AL-anon have achieved.
However, enforcement of the first boundary by its definition is to remain separated, but still married as long as there is a chance for her sobriety. Enforcement of the second boundary requires me to file for divorce. She has been "non committal" with her acceptance of the second boundary, since that boundary does require a certain commitment, she is breaking that boundary. So now I am faced with the saddest task I have ever had to do. My older boy is pretending to be tough about it, but the happiness I saw in him during the "visit" tells me he really would like the family together again. My younger boy is more proactive in trying to keep the family unit together. On Sunday he made pancakes and called my wife two times to make sure she came over for them. It is breaking my heart, but it is beyond my control. I'm really trying to surrender, but it is so hard because I am afraid of hurting everyone I love the most. I know I have to learn to trust my HP to help me through this, I'm just not letting myself hear my HP clearly enough right now.
I believe giving up the second boundary would turn me into a doormat, and lose me respect most importantly from myself, but as an extension from my wife and kids as well.
Been there and done that Dad with about the same protocol. What kept the guilt level down was being aware of "my part" in the whole thing and taking care of that part alone. She had a part also and the part she was acting out had nothing to do with marriage and family. It was a part of alcoholism and she would continue to drink (her part) and act out (her part) and continue to do the same.
I learned in Al-Anon that I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior.
I went through the same thing with my ex in that he seemed to feel it was perfectly acceptable to have sex outside our marriage despite my telling him clearly that it was not acceptable to me. I tried every avenue to give him a chance to choose a different lifestyle, including couple's counseling, but in the end it was a simple fact of his nature that he would continue to go outside the relationship to fulfill whatever it was he was fulfilling in his life by having sex with other people.
That was a boundary I finally gave a firm foundation and I finally requested a divorce last May. His drinking, actually, wasn't so disturbing to me as his extramarital affairs and all the sneaking around he did. In a logical sense, it was actually very dangerous for me to continue to be in an intimate relationship with him because of the physical risk he put us both in for STDs. His sexual encounters were extremely random and risky.
It was not an easy decision. I think all of us are Al-Anons for a good reason - we're always trying to be optimistic about things and think that maybe... just maybe... this time will be different. Maybe this time will be their bottom and they'll finally change. We live the life of the donkey being tempted by the carrot on a string because we want so desperately to give the A the benefit of the doubt. Or we live in firm denial because we're too afraid to think of life without this person. Or we're afraid we'll feel bad because we've misjudged the situation, even after having lived through it for several years.
Divorce was my last option, but I eventually took it. I can still care about him, but I don't have to be married to him and living with him to be his friend. I live a much happier and more serene life now. The stress has melted away, except for the times where my head decides to pick up the past and gnaw on it. But thankfully, that happens less and less.
I have not filed for divorce yet, nor have I told my kids about my intention, their reactions I believe are because they are noticing the distance between my wife and I grow as well. Both are trying to exert their own form or control over the situation.
My older boy (C) by scolding my wife, and communicating to me that he feels I'm being weak in response to her. My younger boy (E) by trying to force family time. I need to be strong for C, but nurturing for E and understanding of myself that I can't be perfect.
Divorce is just a piece of paper, it doesnt solve the alcoholic problem or family issues.
I have been separated for 2 1/2 years, started the divorce proceedings but not final yet because medical insurance issues. It will happen when HP ordains it. Im not saying you shouldnt divorce that is entirely up to you of course. But you seem to be placing such an importance on it. Divorce doesnt free you . Also, you will be tied to her because of you have children together.
So divorce or not you all still have to work towards a harmonious family even with the disease of alcoholism looming over all of it.
I would say you have much work to do and it starts with Alanon, going to meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor. I didnt hear any of that going on. also coming to the board of MIP to gain from the experiences of many people who are going thru the same as you.
You must reach out for help, we all tend to get self absorbed when we have problems and Alcoholism is a BIG problem.
Keep coming back and ask questions and join us on our path to serenity and solutions.
Thanks Bettina, I am admittedly new to Al-Anon, but I am going to 2 meetings a week. I have a temporary sponsor and am actively working on steps 2/3. The reason divorce seems like my only recourse is that I am feeling like a doormat (the last don't on the list), my older boy is recognizing this. It's actually more then a piece of paper to me, I can't move on from the marriage unless it is truly over. I recognize her importance in my kids life, it's been an easy rationalization for me to put off divorce, but I am starting to recognize my kids are more of an excuse then a reason to stay married. Your point is taken though, and it's part of the reason it's a step that is so hard. I hesitate to share this with my sponsor, probably out of ignorance of the dynamic between sponsor and sponsee(?) I just worry he would think I was asking for him to make a decision, I realize it's my decision to make, I'm actually a very strong person emotionally, I'm just faced with a hard issue that can potentially affect the lives of the people I care about and having a hard time surrendering, but as a very insightful share at one of my meetings pointed out, "figuring it out isn't a step"
Divorce doesnt make you stop feeling like a doormat. Only you can stop that.
What Im trying to say is yes it does put legal issues into place and thats important but a piece of paper doesnt stop the wife from being an alcoholic and being the Mother of your children and affecting theirs and your life for a very long time. Divorce is just the beginning.....
All the best, Bettina
with a divorce paper, it doesnt put boundaries in to place. Only legal ones.
Just some metaphorical support? Detachement comes before Divorce in the dictionary and destruction before that. So having been overly smart on that one try keeping a focus on learning and working with detachment before going on. That is my experience. Detachment helped me to take back my mind, body, spirit and emotions and to start nurturing those myself without leaving the responsibility to anyone else and the alcoholic. In divorce I don't get myself back I get myself alone with the memories of the past. Detachment helps me to acknowledge the memories; the good the bad and ugly and to be able to set them aside went I need to.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 7th of February 2011 04:55:59 PM
I believe I hear what people are saying and I agree I am not emotionally detached yet and need to work on that, but I am not viewing divorce as a solution to detachment, or a way to fix my wife. Custody and the arrangements with the children is completely independent of divorce. That is completely up to my level of comfort with her ability to take care of the kids on her nights which depends on boundary 1. For me though I feel I need to mourn the loss of my marriage soon. I am not looking to start a new relationship, but as long as we're married in the back of mind I will be emotionally committed to a marriage with my wife. This is due to my personal perspective of what I believe marriage to be, I do not hold anyone else up to this standard not even my wife, but if I do file for divorce, it is going to be for me and my emotional need to change my perspective on my relationship with the mother of my kids.
Thanks for the perspectives, they are helpful to me, I have always prided myself on the ability to see multiple points of view, it wasn't until I started going to Al-Anon that I realized just how many perspectives and insights there were.
