Well it's been a long time since I have been here.  Lots and lots of things have changed for me and I wish I could say life has gotten easier but in reality it is getting harder and harder.  I believe this is mainly because I'm capable of paying attention now and taking action to do something about situations.  I have learned that I am strong enough to endure just about anytyhing on my own.  I have learned to ask others for help but I am still working on trying not to feel guilty for being so needy.  I have some good friends.  Still no regular man in my life.  I'm getting laid off in April and will then begin down a new path and I'm fairly excited about that.  I will be done with my master's degree in October and I have learned so much and made many great friends in that process.  Most of my courswork is just practicum and internship now.  Ex AH is still in prison and due to be released in May I think.  I don't communicate with him when he's incarcerated...  My oldest daughter did NOT get married and instead ended up in a psychiatric residental treatment facility.  She has not lived with me since August and has shown great improvement with their rigid structure, therapy and medication.  They don't like to "label" them but they say she's bipolar.  This past weekend my next daughter who is only 11 was committed because of threats to kill others and other incidents in school.  We have been working with intensive in home counseling for years.  I'm not really sure what's going on with the second one right now and it's kind of scary because she's so young and she has been doing some way out things.  She's always been a little willful but now it has gone to an extreme that has made it so she can't function at home, in the community or in school.  I'm wondering if she's trying to "outdo" her sister.  She will probably be heading to a PRTF as well if they can find one who take kids her age.  Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do with my son after school and how the two of us are going to do in dealing with all of this.  Work during the week, school every other weekend and going to get a child somewhere far away for a visit on the remaining weekends.  Lately I feel that there is no "me" anymore just response to everyone else's stuff.  I'll be glad when something gives and I can have a life again. 

All I can say is that I am not sure I would be able to handle any of this without the things I learned here.  We all have to deal with pain and hardship it's how we look at it that matters.  I try to forgive myself for not being able to fix these kids on my own and that's an uphill battle.  The second time around is definitely easier than the first because I feel like what I did worked even though it felt like giving up.  It's hard to admit that you just can't fix it.  It's hard to let go and watch your child be taken away.  I hope that this makes their lives better in the long run though.  The one thing I can thank all my friends here for is giving me hope that it will get better.  Not easier for sure, there are good times and bad, but overall I am stronger and able to face these things head on with the belief that things will be greater later!