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Well it seems moving on happens gradually and when we least expect it. After 7 years (3 1/2 of them sober, but not sure how he is now), manipulation, lies and cheating that come along with it, not to mention suspected sociopathy by his part.....I've finally snapped out of it the day (Last Monday) he was supposed to take my 5 year old to the doctor's office due to a 104 fever.
He had the nerve to come up with an excuse to not take him, for example "his fever went down" as well as "the doctor always perscribes antibiotics, which she shouldn't". My child hardly ever gets sick, so if he needs antibiotics, that means he needs them! Plus, in his eyes, I'm just nag and boss turning the tables around and telling me to work my program.
Well one of his pet peeve's is waiting at the Dr.'s office, I should know him by now. Well, I personally took action by taking my son early the next day and it turns out he had broncitis which turned into croup cough by Friday.
Now I know Al-Anon tells us to focus on ourselves and such, but the reason I say all this is because I'm finally drawing my boundary and NOT making any excuses for anybody's actions but mine. My children come first and this drew the line. There had been many instances before, but I'm definitley an emotional one and boy can love be blind.
We are told not to have expections from anybody if we do not ever want to be upset. The obligations that come with being a father, but I"m not expecting them from him anymore. I'm going to worry about my obligations and get a divorce here pretty soon come May after I'm done with school focusing on my happiness, self-esteem, spirituality and my children. Self-doubting had always been high the last 7 years, but if my gut tells me something, I'll make a decision based on it.
It just feels so odd how I still had hope for our marriage from one second to another and was then completley ready to move on. I was in love with him, but now I see our relationship for what it really was. It feels good, it's liberating, because this time around I feel no remorse for him at all this time around. I see the situation for what it had been all along but it took me all this time to see it.
Even if I have been in Al-Anon since 2005, I've realized all this time I've been coming more so for the addict and not myself though I thought I was. Now I feel that this is the beggining of a "true self" Al-anon journey, and not the codependents. -- Edited by RoseODAT on Sunday 6th of February 2011 09:10:38 PM
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Monday 7th of February 2011 09:30:49 AM
I can really relate to you saying - one second the motivation was this and in a flash that changed -- I found that same thing happening in my own program. It is as if you reach an awareness and the denial is lifted suddenly - in a moment I had that experience - it was as if it had happened in slow motion and it was surreal and I felt like I was being held in HP's palm and god drew me back in a moment to reveal something to me and suddenly I saw my own behavior and the illusions and delusions fell away.
It also happened more subtly a few times in following through on a boundary's consequence for me and when I took a healthy and positive action for me, I felt more confident immediately that I was taking care of myself and I felt emotionally detached and like I was my own person, not one connected like a host to them. But independent and independently making healthier and better personal choices.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
"I finally snapped out of it" is exactly how I felt. I actually said to my AH after telling him where I now stood that I was sure he felt like I had "pulled the rug out from under him" because I was such an active participant in his illness for sooooo long (25 years - 20 of it married). But, as I told him, now that my eyes are open I can never go back.
All I feel is gratitude to my HP for bringing me and the children safely to this point.
It's all in my HP's hands now.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
