The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've read a lot about those who have called it quits while the significant other is still actively drinking. I guess I kinda did this, but it happened to be the turning point for him. It seems something has finally switched for him and he now wants recovery and is actively seeking it out. My problem is I feel I am already done though. I've known for months that I needed to leave and stand my ground but haven't gotten up the courage to do so. So I finally did have the courage to say I wanted to go and move on and now he has changed. But it just feels to late for me! I've been dealing with his addictions for over 4 years and I'm tired! I want something else and just want to go. But he is making me feel guilty for wanting to go right when things can finally get better. Part of me does wonder if I should stick around and see what is possible in recovery....but another part says its going to be a long recovery road for him and that I need to separate myself. I have gotten so involved in all of the sickness and have not found my own breathing room or actually thought about MY life and what I want out of life. I think it is the co-dependent part of me that feels I should stick around for him and see how his recovery can change things. He is saying that he needs that hope from me in order to do recovery, that there is something for him to work towards and motivate him. But this is probably his sickness and insanity talking. I want recovery for him so bad, is it strange that I want this yet don't want to stick around to see him come out the other side? I have been living in another country with him for all this time and I just feel exhausted and want some fun in my life again! Has anyone else been in this kind of situation?? I don't know what to do!
It's great that you recognize that you need your own program - that you have your own issues to address. As for him telling you that he needs you to be around in order for him to recover...that's the disease talking, you're right.
I can understand being done. I've been there. I can also identify with the guilt he is trying to make you feel. You do not have to accept it.
I don't think there is one right answer for what you should do next. What you decide is what you decide, and things will go how they are supposed to go. I will share this, though. Direction determines destination. Where do you want to go? Is the path you're on going to get you there? If not, how can you change your direction so you can move toward the destination you desire?
Keep coming back, emg. And I hope you can find some face to face meetings in your area to attend. It really is wonderful to be able to share with others who know what you're going through and to hear them share their experience, strength, and hope with you.
It's hard. You sound as if you've been thinking this through for a while and you know your limits.
I had the same situation with my AH. He finally went into recovery, and I thought, "After everything I've endured, why shouldn't I be here for the rewards?"
Him going into recovery isn't the end of the journey, though; it's just beginning another one.
That's for people who stick to recovery. They have a long road ahead, full of promise for them, but often challenging for those who are along for the ride. But only about 20% of alcoholics who go into recovery stick with recovery.
What happened in my case is that I stayed with my AH. He went into recovery, and did okay for a while. Then he relapsed. After much turmoil he went into recovery again. Then he relapsed. After a while he got a DUI and the court ordered him into rehab, and he had a big revelation and said that finally he saw the light, and after thousands of dollars and much turmoil he went through rehab. And then he relapsed. I could tell the rest of the story, but it's the same. I finally left seven years after I first decided to. It's seven years later and he's still drinking. In my case, it would have been a lot better for me if I had left when I first intended to. Getting over the trauma of those extra seven years has been a challenge.
Whatever you do, do keep at your own recovery. That will make more difference than anything else. Do you go to meetings? In your town, or here online? Have a sponsor? Those things will help you protect yourself. If I could change anything about my history, I would have gone to meetings earlier. That would have changed everything else.
emg As everyone as shared this is avery individual choice. I chose to end my relationship with my partner of 4 years two nearly 2 years ago. He the went into AA so we tried again. He was not drinking and going to meetings but was not truley working his programme. After six months his nephew died and he drank he had numerous slips over about eight months although he kept going to AA, he tourtured himself for drinking every time the disease progressed and he hit his rock bottom 5 months ago and went into rehab he stayed there for 5 months and totally overtook me in my recover. He has left rehab now and is in supported living. He has told me he is making his recovery his number one priority.
I have seen people in both AA and al anon who put their recovery first and this is what I try to do. I have just lost my focus a little and my life soon became unmanagle again. When my partner went ito rehab it was hard I wanted to run. When he came out of rehab again it was hard. I have chose to stay with him as long as he is working it. But I have to work it too fight my resentment and self pity trying to make my eslf into the kind of person I want to be. I love this man and I know he is very ill, but so am I, I am very far from perfect and this is what I focus on today. Since he is improving my focus is on me and I do not have time to look at him as much because I need to do so much work. To tell you the truth I do not know how he puts up with me sometimes. I can not say we will live happily ever after but I am just rtying to stay in the day. Now I do not worry about him drinking. I am getting flowers, night out it has improved dramatically but it has not been easy. If he drinks in the future I will decide what to do then. take what you like and leave the rest.
Hi, I am one who got to AlAnon after my hubby got to AA. We had been married for 29 yrs. by then. I was preparing for my escape, just waiting for the last daughter to get out of high school. When he went to AA I didn't know if I wanted to stay or leave. This was all 10 yrs. ago. But I was told in AlAnon that when I finally decided, no one would be able to talk me out of it. So, now I pray every day to have a happy day, a contented day, a serene day. No matter if I am still married to him or not. My attitude is up to me. You have to do what you want to do. What would make you happy for today? Figure out a way to do it. If you change your mind, that's okay. If you change your mind again, that's okay. Live for today.
I'm new to this board. I'm working on my codependency, married to an alcoholic/drug addict whose addictions shift to different substances and modes, but recovery doesn't seem to ever start. I like what maryjane says about being patient with herself in her decision making.
I'm at the point where I want out. I feel that in 2 and a half years of marriage (not very long) I've just uncovered one lie after another about his values, recovery and history, especially when it comes to his multiple addictions. Sometimes I feel hopeless. My emotions are just plain TIRED. This isn't my first marriage or my first relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. I'm in therapy and going to 12 step groups to pick my home group.
I love what I'm seeing on this board so far and thank you all for being here with your wisdom and willingness to share your stories to help others.
Peace to you. ROH
__________________
The most common way people give up their power
is by thinking they don't have any. ~ Alice Walker ~
(((emg)) I totally understand. The part where he says he needs you for stength or to stick to his recover, imo, that is manipulation. He may not know much about recovery and AA yet, but, it's not you that will make him better, give him the strength ect... he has to want it for himself.
I am in somewhat of a similar situation, my AH is 'trying' to get into recover and keeps relapsing. I fluctuate between fear and extreme sadness to hopefull that if I leave him, I'll be so much happier in a year, to intense fear that what it after I leave, he dies, then I'll have to live with that guilt forever, to, well, living with that guilt (and I know it wouldn't be my fault) would be better than living in the hell I'm in right now.... back and forth, up and down.
I've hear that when you know, you know... and no one can change your mind. Trust yourself.
