awake after 20 years of marriage... - Al-Anon Family Group

newleaf66 · Veteran Member

awake after 20 years of marriage...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Newleaf

Welcome to MIP and Alanon

I understand just where you find yourself I could have written your posting many years ago. Now that you do see and are awake--please know you are not alone. Alcoholism is a disease and all who live with it are affected and need a form of recovery.

This is a disease that you did not cause ,cannot control and cannot cure. You need help in grieving and in developing new tools to live your life

Please go to

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html and find a face to face meeting in your community.

We have on line meetings here 2xs a day and a chat room open 24/7

Welcome please keep coming back..

newleaf66 · Veteran Member

Thank you Betty for the kind welcome. I know I have a long road ahead and alot of self-work to do.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Kelly,

If you will read prior post on this site you will realize you are no different and much the same as everyone else here. You have been effected by someone else's drinking. I can relate to your post. I also have been married to my alcoholic for 20 years. For many years I went about my business knowing my wife drank everyday. It was the norm. What I didn't realize at the time......alcoholism is a progressive disease that over time consumes the alcoholic and takes over their very being, their mind, body, and spirit. It becomes first and foremost in their lives. Alcohol is #1, what's in 2nd and 3rd place really doesn't matter. It usually happens gradually over a long period of time, and we don't realize the effect the disease has caused us. By that time we have become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic in our life.

Your not alone anymore. You made the first step by coming to Miracles In Progress. We don't give advice, or tell you what you should or should not do. We have walked in your shoes, but we are not walking in your shoes. This program will give you the tools to change your life for the better. You will learn how you can detach from the disease. How to start taking care of yourself first. Taking the focus off your alcoholic and putting the focus on yourself can change your life for the better.

Do what I did, and what thousands of others worldwide have done, I found an Al-Anon face 2 face meeting and let other members share their experience, strength, and hope with me, what had worked for them. You do the same and you will find a new family just as you have found a new family here at MIP. Al-Anon is a program for you and about you. Give it a try. You will be amazed at the difference it will made in your life.

Keep coming back and posting, learn all you can about this cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. You have no control over the disease, but you do have control over you. Know that we understand you as perhaps no one else can.

Again, I'm glad you found us.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 2nd of February 2011 11:30:40 PM

newleaf66 · Veteran Member

Thanks you for responding RLC. I did send for a meeting booklet and I am confused about what meeting to go to? What is an open vs a closed meeting etc? Does it matter or is the most important thing to start somewhere?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi I believe that any meeting is a great meeting. Here is a breakdown of the usual terms
This is a general definition of program terms

Open Meetings usually means that observers can attend as well as people who have a problem with alcohol in the family.

Closed usually means there is a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend and that is who attends

Beginners meetings are meeting that focus on the tools of the program

Speaker meetings focus on a member sharing their "Experience strength and hope and then others share as well.

Step meetings Discuss the Steps in detail

Round robin - circle means that members share by going around the room clockwise

If you refer to the top of the Board Frequently asked questions is very helpful

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Welcome again

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 2nd of February 2011 11:40:36 PM

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 3rd of February 2011 12:21:55 AM

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Kelly)))

Hotrod answered you question, but you made my day by already checking into finding a f2f meeting. We have a saying in Al-Anon......"Try 5 or 6 meetings and if you decide the program is not for you.........we will gladly refund your "misery".

Seriously Kelly I'm proud of you. Great first step in your recovery. It works if you work it.

HUGS again,
RLC

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Please find meetings for yourself , it is the only way i know to help your family , its not about loving his family alcohol is running his life at the moment and this disease simply dosent care about anything except what it needs . I believe for me this program is what made it possible for me to continue in my marriage , I didnt want to leave for various reasons , i learned here how to get my life back on track , take care of my own needs and allow him the dignity to choose how he wanted to live his life , often when the non drinker goes into a program of recovery the alcoholic will follow , no guarantees but either way it is a win win situation for you .. Learn all you can about the disease of alcoholism , and how to not let it take over any more of YOUR life . Al-Anon will show u how to do that

DreamXL · Senior Member

New thank you for your post and welcome :) What stood out most in your post to me was "I hope he chooses us"..After coming here for two years now and reading everything I can on addiction I think its starting to sink into my head that for an addicted person it isnt a matter of choosing a wife or children or anything over a drink or a drug. It just doesnt work that way. A common theme is "how could he choose a bottle over me, or his children "..Addiction is cunning and baffling trying to figure it out will drive you crazy. Why are they addicted, why am I not enough, why cant he/she stop, the list is endless. We can get so lost in the these questions and in the end, if we knew the answer, it wouldnt matter anyhow. We would not be able to cure their addiction. We take these things as personal, when it has nothing to do with us or anyone else. Addiction is not personal. Its great that you have found alanon please think about getting to meetings. The love and support you will find, we sure cant do this alone. Thanks you newleaf :)

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Newleaf - welcome!

The part of your post about hoping your AH chooses you and the family also stood out to me. Through my own recovery, I have begun to understand alcoholism as a disease. If a person gets cancer, we don't think of it in terms as the person choosing to be sick over family. I've come to see alcoholism the same way. I do not believe that sane people would choose alcohol if they really had a choice in the matter. They drink because they are sick and can't stop. There is nothing sane about it. It also has nothing to do with anyone else.

My AH and my mom are alcoholics - my AH is now sober but my mom is still active. They are both wonderful people, and today I am able to separate them personlly from their disease. When I got here, I was married to my exAH, who was active. I, too, had felt anger and disappointment for years. I was so angry that he wouldn't keep his promises and wouldn't stop drinking. I, too, felt like he was choosing alcohol and being at the bar over his family. I spent many years being angry about it before my recovery began. I certainly understand the things you wrote in your post.

Glad you are going to attend a f2f meeting. Mine have been the biggest part of my recovery.

Welcome again - hope to see a lot of you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. On the bottom of my post is a number and site to find Al Anon meetings in your area. "Getting Them Sober" is a book that saved many of us. It helps us to understand so much better.

Al Anon is to help us, the ones who love an A.

I want to reassure you that your family was and is loved by your A. I think of it as more like brain cancer that is growing. The longer they use the more brain damage and other organ damage there is.

It does not mean they never loved you, or lied about it. Sadly the sicker they get the more numb their hearts become. They don't have the capacity to think the same. Its slow suicide. Addicts crave the drug they use the minute they wake.

It's a symptom of the disease same as them using a drug including alcohol is a symptom.

Same as if he had diabetes, he has to choose "himself" first. He need to get where he just cannot use anymore, and wants to get into recovery for HIM. Then he will have something to give to you, and his other loved ones.

His illness is no more personal against you than if he got the flu. The alcohol damage on his body, and the effect of it on his brain as he uses distorts him, he is a very, very sick person.

Again he has to take care of himself. You got that so right.

So we learn to protect us and our kids. We stick money away, put things in our names only, for me I made sure, though too late, that all I could lose was him. The disease took my husband. Is now after many years of fighting to keep it, is taking my home.

Took my perfect credit, took my paid for Jeep, my health. Is taking many years to get where I feel like me again. Thank goodness my kids are grown!

We can only help them by taking care of ourselves. Keep ourselves well, not allow the disease to drag us into the pit.

We don't engage in any arguments, it would be not unlike arguing with someone who had a high fever. useless.

There is Ala Teen for kids. I don't know how old your kids are, but they will follow your lead. Never putting the A down, that he has a disease, is sick. Kids tend to blame themselves.

I am so glad you are here. It helps to let it out to people who really care. It helps us too that you are here!

I have not had my A in my life for a long time, but I am stil healing, and need my MIP family.

keep coming! love,debilyn

DadtoCandE · Veteran Member

I know how you feel. It's likely that you weren't "duped" most likely your husband has a disease, it is an insidious and progressive disease. The hardest part is realizing that you can no longer rationalize with an alchoholic. Your discussions become cyclic. Everything gets turned back on you, you are told that you are over reacting etc. You describe the boundaries I set up almost verbatim to my wife. I thought "well now that I have laid out everything so plainly and clearly it's all going to be all right". She's going to see the error of her ways, fight this nasty habit and we'll grow stronger as a family. What I am learning at Al-Anon, is it isn't about fixing my wife's problem, it's about learning to take care of my own needs, sounds like you took a very good first step.

So there's good news and bad news, no one is going to tell you how to fix your husband, but you can learn how to cope with your situation. You can learn to sympathize with your "qualifier" instead of get frustrated with them. In all honesty I'm not there yet, but I have seen some dramatic examples of people who have found happiness, some have divorced, some stayed married, some have qualifiers that drink, some have qualifiers that are sober. In all cases, their journey, work, program etc. continues, you never graduate, you always learn new things. It's not about making your life fit a fantasy, it's learning how to be happy with the life you have and learning the choices you can make to find happiness. What's great about finding your own happiness, is that is an absolute requirement to teaching your kids how to be happy. It's not selfish, it's actually necessary to take care of your emotional happiness.

Now try out a face to face. This forum is a nice electronic place to journal your thoughts and gain some insightful feedback, but it supplements live help not replaces it.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

When I start asking that "was I duped" question the only place I will allow myself
to go is to my side of the fence; my intentions, my choices, and why I made the
choices I made the way I made them. In the end it is up to me to make the
changes I need to make for past bad choices. I cannot expect my wife to do
all the work when I was a part of the event. I also have to look at the good cause
if I only fixate or focus on what is bad I am judging the entire picture from a smaller
perception. If you stand with your nose right up to the picture you will only see
what is right before it and not all that is there. Most likely you will be "nose at"
what you perceive as wrong and miss the good stuff. For me I have to have that
clarity, which takes time, in order to find alternative choices. It ain't all about me.

(((((hugs))))) smile

newleaf66 · Veteran Member

Thanks to all who responded. I am grateful to have found you...there are no accidents.
Kelly

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.