Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Alcoholic brother
Post Info TOPIC: Alcoholic brother
Tamiele


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:
Alcoholic brother
Permalink  

I think this is my first post to the board. I know I have been on here to read in the past but I don't believe I have ever posted.  I am now back to learn as much as I can and to also share my experience to hopefully support someone else but also to get feedback and information from others on my situation.

I am 41 and I have a brother who is 37.  Father passed away 7 years ago.  Mom is remarried.  Brother has had a gf for 3 years too.

Over the years my brother has behaved badly.  I haven't always connected the dots to alcoholism, nor do I always think that that is what is to blame.  Sometimes people can just be selfish jerks, can't they??  Anyhow, the behavior consists of borrowing money and not paying it back, borrowing cars and wrecking them, not showing up to do his school work or job in a timely manner, wreckless in attitude and actions, totally using the kindness of our parent's to pass off his responsibilities on to them, and countless other things I am sure to remember later.

Nothing ever changes.  I am just going on the past 6 months which involved a frantic call from his gf saying he was using cocaine and drinking alcohol and could I come and get him into treatment.  She couldn't handle him anymore.  I did that.  He wouldn't go into treatment.  He made some promises to me to not drink, to attend his AA meetings, and to read his alcoholics anonymous book (or something like that, sorry I don't remember the title).  He phoned me in December to tell me he had been drinking again and new he was in trouble with his boss and could he come to my home and dry out for a few days.  I said no.  I asked if he had done any of the things we had discussed before - no he hadn't.  So, 3 weeks ago he was supposed to go with me to an event.  I called as I was leaving home to go and pick him up - he was groggy and hung over and said he couldn't make it.  2 weeks ago he was to help me out with something else and I had to find out from my mother - because he didn't call me himself - to say he wouldn't be coming over.  This is a snap shot of the usual stuff.

These last two weeks I have been thinking and know I have reached my limit.  I sent off an email to mom and to the gf to tell them I wasn't going to participate in this any more.  Not to call me if he winds up in the hospital again or looses his wallet or needs a ride to his truck, etc, you know the sorts of things I am talking about.  I live about 30 minutes from him so any time I have to help is at least an hour of my time just getting there.  I have a family, a special needs child whom I homeschool, and I can't always be setting aside their needs to look after him.  What is hard about this whole thing - is my mother and his gf have dumped on me and made me the bad guy.  His gf is in total denial and said what I said was BS.  I am just shocked.  I see it now, his gf is 100% enabler until it gets to the dangerous point and then she calls me in.  My mom just doesn't like confrontation or to have our issues out in open for friends and neighbors to know about.  So, I am licking my wounds today because I am being made to be the bad guy.

Anyhow, that is my story.  I am glad to find this online.  I don't have much free time to attend a meeting but to be able to do some reading at night before bed, to respond and support, will benefit me greatly.  Thanks for listening.

__________________
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  


Aloha Tamiele...welcome to the MIP board for the Al-Anon Family Groups.  You will
get lots of responses from others who are members of Al-Anon and some who are
not.  You will get a suggestion to find the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area
which for me is in the white pages of my local telephone book and to get to a meeting
as quickly as you can and meet others who have been where you are at now (sick and
tired of being sick and tired) and found much better ways of living their lives and
being happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or (using) or not.    That was the
suggestion right there.  I also suggest when you are there getting as much literature
from the literature tables and reading it all so that the confusion goes away.

An early sponsor of mine taught me; when I was where you are at now with whether
my wife was doing what she was doing because of being under the influence of drugs
and alcohol that, "if it looked like a duck, walked like a duck and quacked like a duck
the chances were that it was a duck."  Of course that is metaphorical for my wife is an
alcoholic.  I had to have pictures drawn for me.

If all of the problems he is experiencing have alcohol influence and/or use attached
to them...he qualifies but more importantly you and your mom and his girlfriend
qualify for Al-Anon.   It is truthfully said that one alcoholic will negatively affect up to
20 people in their surroundings.  I have found that number to be a bit light but then
I didn't do a hard survey.  Importantly I was one of those affected and had to go get
help or die crazy.

I'm not dead and not near as crazy as I once was.   Welcome to MIP stick around and let others from the membership come and welcome you with their ESH.  (((((hugs))))) smile



-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 2nd of February 2011 02:59:28 PM

__________________
Tamiele


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:
Permalink  

Okay, I have planned to attend a meeting tomorrow night in my city.  I think it will be very good.  Thanks for the advice.

__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

Its so hard hon for most of us to realize our way of helping, hurts the A. Sadly the best thing to do is to not make anything comfortable for him. No babying when they don't feel well, no picking them up, no housing them, or anything.

The addict is using exactly what the disease wants them to. The disease is killing them.

If we take them in, pick them up, pay their way, get them out of messes, then YAY !!the disease feels, as it can just thrive while the enabler takes care of the addict victum/person you love.

All they want to do is use, they want money to use, they want a good place to use, they always want more, and when they have a lot of whatever the drug is, they are still worrying about what happens when they need more.

They have got to get sick enough to stop, for themselves. We can "catch" them, drag them off to detox then rehab. Still it is up to them if they are ready to get into recovery. They come out of rehab and the best thing to do is 90 meetings in 90 days.

Some people are so sick, they cannot get help themselves. We get them into help, again it is up to them.

You are doing the best thing anyone can do for your dear brother. Many will tell their loved A, do not call me unless you are calling me from Rehab.

They can go get help to detox, and go to rehab. It's better if it is totally them who decided to go and how to get there.

Believe me if they can figure out how to leave early and get back home, they can figure out how to get to rehab if they want it bad enough.

It's the disease we hate not our A. I say, "I love you, however I will not allow your disease to make me sick too."

I am glad you are here. We already care about you and yours very much.

love,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Tamiele


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:
Permalink  

I am grateful for your replies and advice. I need it right now when my mother and his gf are so against me. Thankfully most other people, like my husband, are in total agreement with me. I know I am laying myself bare here for all to read, but I really do appreciate what you have to say. I am including my letter wrote to my brother, the AA, and then the letter wrote to my mother and his gf. I know these things have already been said, but I would apprecitate any feedback as to how I came across and if it all made sense?? Thanks.

Letter to brother...

As you have already heard from Paula and perhaps mom, I have made some decisions regarding my relationship with you. I am open to seeing you at family gatherings and talking with you when the opportunity presents itself. Due to your continued substance abuse and behaviors, I must change other things though. I won't be ready to assist you when your health deteriorates and you need to be put in the hospital or other needs of that nature. I won't be making plans to get together for supper or other events as the last few times have been cancelled on your part due to drinking or being hung over at the time. I won't be helping you if you make a poor decision and then wind up needing help to correct the situation. Your drinking has affected my life in negative ways and I must stop that from happening any longer. Your assurances made to Mom and myself in September, as you said to me in December, were said to appease us for the moment but you did not attempt to do those things we discussed. When your drinking binge in December resulted in your boss calling you in for a meeting, you panicked a bit and phoned me to see what you could do to fix the situation. We talked again about AA meetings. A few weeks back you asked me to pick you up to attend a function for Holly Doidge. Your voice on the phone that morning was groggy and, as you put it, you felt sick, and I know it was from drinking the night before. So, you make your choices and I am making mine. I won't be an enabler to you any longer. My "help" isn't helping. I am attending Al anon meetings myself and this is 100% the course of action that is necessary for me to take, for my sanity and the best way to help you. I wish you best of luck and I hope you decide one day to choose sobriety and a better life. Until then, I have to remove myself from the situation.

With love,
Tamie

Letter to Mom and Paula.....

This might seem strange to say at this moment in time when all is well and we aren't dealing with any crisis right now. I thought it best to make my feelings and decision known for exactly that reason, because there isn't a crisis right now and then you will both know where I stand the next time one occurs.

On to the reason for my post. Ryan. I have been thinking about him lately and have made a decision. He is my brother and I have no problems with seeing him or talking to him but I am going to not be available for anything else. The past 6 months have shown me that he isn't interested in changing his ways. He continues to drink when it suits him to do so - and it doesn't matter if he neglects someone or something by doing so. I won't be that person he neglects any longer. I just won't be making plans with him, period. A relationship is give and take and if he were just my friend - well the friendship would have ended long ago. Because he is my brother, it shouldn't be a reason that he is able to treat me as an after thought over and over again. I don't say these things with anger or malice - but with matter-of-fact and I am going to put my family and their needs first. I won't be rescuing him from his poor decisions any longer. If he puts himself into the hospital because of his lifestyle, I won't be rearranging my life and accommodating him so I can get to his side or get things for him. I also will not cater to him - if he purposefully does something that then results in me having to do something to correct the situation - I won't do it any longer. An example of that would be leaving his truck here and then my husband driving into Calgary to get Ryan. So, I thought you should know that is where I stand. Making plans to get together seems pointless as 9 times out of 10 he cancels out at the last minute. These are his actions and I am responding to them by not accepting that any longer. Just to restate - I will talk to him or see him at functions if he is there - but I won't be responsible for him in any way.

Now that is said, I am glad to hear from Paula and hope she is much better than before. Sorry for your scary hospital experience.

Looking forward to Mom's visit next weekend and crossing my fingers that the weather is good. Talk to you later!!

So, that is what I have said. Any comments you might have, would be much appreciated. Thanks!!

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Alcoholic brother