The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Honestly, what was the point of that to try and assertively point out that I feel that I am being constantly being criticised, put down and blamed....what did I get? criticised, put down and blamed....and the wall of denial then a spin back on to me and oh he's leaving my life all together tomorrow with our baby growing at only 9 weeks. Brilliant. Should have kept my mouth shut basically.
How Important is IT ?? Well it is bloody important because I don't want this behaviour. But now its ended up as a ridiculous argument and of course my message has not been heard. So what now - do I just put up with the behaviour and detach? It wears me down. Do I walk away. I am not getting this today....I am just not getting it.
My last post here was very similar to yours. You might want to see the responses I got...as always, they were helpful. I guess I basically learned that I can voice my feelings, but there is never a guarantee I will get the response I need. However, I need to learn NOT to depend on my AH for the response I need. It sounds sad and a little pathetic...but it's true when you are dealing with an A. It still hurts me too much though...I am practicing detaching...not so easy.
Hayes, it sucks that you got that response from him. It would be really nice if you two could work out a way of communicating that does not instantly result in defensiveness and arguing. Detaching is great for your mental health and such, but you don't have to put up with unacceptable behavior. The decisions you have to make about if your partner is right for you are difficult ones. What concerns me is when you say "I should have kept my mouth shut." Look, hindsight is 20/20...and you are also dealing with an irational alcohol and trying to apply reason to what you should and shouldn't do in terms of approaching him with problems. There is no need to down yourself because you didn't get a sane reaction from someone who is caught up in the cycle of active addiction. Don't blame yourself and don't shape your behavior around his disease. If you need to be assertive...you need to be assertive. You don't turn yourself into a timid little mouse walking on egg shells because the AH is verbally abusive and critical. That is when you really become a victim and your self esteem will become more and more worn down the longer you do it. Stay connected to others in your shoes and maintain your conviction.
It's not so much that you need to be "right" in your arguments with him...but is is important that you know you are doing what is "right" for you.
Keep in mind sweetie... it's a thinking disease. First, his thinking thinks it's okay to manipulate, justify, rationalize and defend, etc... which triggers OUR DISEASE.... of BELIEVING IT!!! Don't believe the lies. They're all lies.
If he were to tell you all day every day that you were a purple pig.... you might begin to believe it. But, it doesn't make you a purple pig.
This is why it's soo important to stick with a fellowship of al-anons, who will keep reminding you of what you really are...
.... a child of God. If you can't get to a meeting for a few hours, sit still long enough to hear and feel your breath.... let it melt all the tension from your body and you will remember again.
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 2nd of February 2011 12:19:41 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My apologies... I am at work. I thought of another thing.... you may have had an expectation that you were going to be heard and understood. You went to the hardware store for bread... and since the hardware store doesn't have any bread, you were left with a resentment over the whole thing. "Expectations are premeditated resentments" as we say around here.
What to do at this point? Recover your serenity. We often think we have to "do"something else... we are fixers! The only thing you have to do right now is get your recovery in swing, you have been affected by alcoholism. "When one member of the family is thinking sanely, the whole family situation is bound to improve." Get to as many meetings as you can, buy yourself some books and remember to pray. Then find a sponsor and work the steps. That is what worked for me... the relationship didn't last in my case, but I recovered my sanity. Priceless!
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 2nd of February 2011 02:13:08 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Your not going to get logical, sympathetic, respectful behavior from an Alcoholic. You keep thinking your dealing with a normal person.
Yes, I admit the Alcoholic wounded me many times, when I finally realized, I decide if I want to be hurt or not. Im going to stop this pity party or Im going to be destroyed every time.
Hayes, in order for us to find any peace and serenity we have to work and concentrate on detachment. Its not an easy art, but keep practicing it and it will become second nature to you. Remember , Alanon is about YOU!
Change doesnt happen overnite, you be the first to change so you can be at peace.
One of my biggest obsticals in the beging was expectations I always expected my husb to act * like normal people do * duh ,nothing about this disease is normal you had a right to say how u feel , I was told we have to learn to speak up and say what s on our minds but to have no expectations that it would change anything so I asked then why bother ?? and I was told to do it for me if I was tired of being walked on I had to first get off the floor . for yrs in my marriage I just let things happen i never said a word just went with the flow anything to keep things calm , so when i started to say how I felt and allowed my self to have an opinion it wasnt easy nor did the alcoholic like it one bit and he too made all kinds of threats about leaving and making it my fault - ignore them its booze talk and a sick person trying to regain control .. there is a page in our odat that states , going to an alcoholic for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread ..Al-Anons will give you the support you need and understand what your going thru , if your not already please take time to find meetings in your area you go for you and that beautiful baby your carrying . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 2nd of February 2011 09:25:45 PM
The program is waiting for you Hayes. One of the gems of the program is when you get a sponsor. Just before you think talking with the alcoholic will provide some sort of sane value another thought arrives, "I think I'll call my sponsor first." Ahhhhh Ha!! Such a wildly different outcome when talking about my choices with someone who has and is working the program of recovery with the results I want.
I slipped and forgot often when I reacted and got into my addiction of trying to get serenity from a room full of chaos. Those events eventually taught me to call my sponsor or someone in program "before" I did what I would normally do or I would surely get what I normally got.
Why did I just even bother? It was a slip...just a slip with expectations and reality. You'll hear it said here lots of time and there will come a time you will also give it away to a newbie; "If you keep doing the same things over and over again and nothing has changed, you will keep getting what you have always got." There are reasons for it and that is for a later time.
I hope the baby is doing well. Our family little ones are just joys. (((hugs)))
Hayes I totally feel what you are going through. My AH boyfriend is also impossible. I have been trying to communicate the way I feel lately and it goes no where. All the blame goes on me, I am the one with the problems, he never loved me, he needs me out of his life because I'm drama, because he can't work on himself when I am around. It hurts to feel like you aren't good enough. As they break us down we start to believe what they are saying to us. The latest thing I got was a random text that said my AH wanted no contact with me. I haven't even tried to contact him, he just wanted to get my emotions going. Detachment is hard, especially when you love some one. But we can't always be in emotional pain It just sucks still believing they will change and things will work out.
When I lived with my now ex-husband who was a rage-aholic, I ended up going to the women's center to help me with his abusive ways. I learned there that there is a cycle of abuse that keeps us down and makes us believe what they are saying to us. You can end this cycle with the help of alanon. You can learn the tools of better living. My bf now is an addict/alcoholic, and by making changes in me, he has seen that I am growing and is now making changes in himself. The book Getting Them Sober helped me so very much. You can look up the cycle of abuse. The minimizing of the argument and the way my ex would turn it around on me and say "you are the crazy one, you did all these bad things in the argument not me" and I would believe it and feel worse. Then we would go into a calm and then an explosive argument would happen again. Its insanity. It can be stopped though, with this program's tools. A sponsor has helped me so much. I call her as soon as I start feeling bad. It helps. And I use HP too :) Of course. You are not alone, this has happened to many of us. We feel alone in it, but if you continue here and going to real face to face meetings, you will find that it works when we work it... Take care of you!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Honestly, what was the point of that to try and assertively point out that I feel that I am being constantly being criticised, put down and blamed....what did I get? criticised, put down and blamed....and the wall of denial then a spin back on to me and oh he's leaving my life all together tomorrow with our baby growing at only 9 weeks. Brilliant. Should have kept my mouth shut basically.
It just sucks still believing they will change and things will work out.