The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 21 year old daughter moved home a couple of weeks ago. She lived with her father for a year and a half. My son missed her terribly and is very glad she is home. The problem is that she is out with her friends constantly. We rarely see her and our son is hurt and frustrated with the fact that she doesn't see him. It isn't like it is her job to entertain him constantly, but it is the norm for her to see him about an hour a week.
I have talked with her about it, and she made a short term change. Now our son again is saying daily that he misses her and wonders why she won't spend time with him.
I'm not sure if I should have her move. I think it would probably be best as there are other issues that have arisen as well that she is comfortable with and I am not. It is a very hard decision as my son has just got her back (sort of).
I have had to set several boundaries already, but I can't make her show that her brother means anything to her. Her father is addicted to pot and has never shown her any worth other than buying her. I see lots of issues here but can't fix them for her.
Its difficult to have a 21 year old live at home, especially one that was living with the Father who didnt set any boundaries.
Its still your home and she is living under your roof. As far as your son her brother, there is nothing you can do to affect a relationship between them. Your daughter will have to deal with that consequence sometime in her life. You dont say how old your son is, he is probably to young to understand. You didnt mention what the other issues were, so I cant comment.
She definitely is old enough to be on her own. I say if she cant live by the house rules then she has to go.
With her father she is the one that sets the boundaries for him. It has always been that way. I noticed it for the first time when she was eight. Her bf split with her so she decided to move out of the area where there are no jobs or opportunities to go to school. It is a very isolated area. He was the only reason she stayed there.
1.) I let her know she either had to pay rent or go to school. She chose rent and I let her know I would give her some time to get a job and a cheque from work. Her bf asked for her back and she of course jumped at it. She then informed me that her father was going to pay for her way back to visit bf for Valentines day and she has been telling prospective employers she will need a week off less than a month into her employment. Needless to say she hasn't found a job. I let her know that if she can afford to go away she can afford to pay her rent.
2.) She likes the attention of different guys on a regular basis. She has several guys taking her out and paying for everything, while she is back together in a LD relationship with her bf. A, myself and our son get home from church on Sunday and she is sitting with some guy we haven't met stroking his hair and being very flirtatious. I had a talk with her about having different guys over and what I want her little brother to be seeing and not be seeing. That didn't go well as she did not like the boundary we set there. She let me know that her bf split with her again Saturday night and she is finding comfort with her new "friend" who she has known since grade school. I have never heard of him before this and she says they are just "that way" with each other in a platonic relationship.
3.) She won't do anything around our house. She always asks what we want her to do and then goes out with her friends. I don't tell adults what to do all the time to contribute. Even when she sees something that can be done she doesn't do it. Her food is included in her rent, but she won't cook so when we all go to bed, she grabs leftovers from the fridge and heats them up. That is about the time she get's home.
Our son is seven. He can understand many concepts, but I don't want him feeling less than important when this is the time for him to be developing self worth instead of fighting for it. I am not impressed.
The upside is that the A in my life has been dealing with many of the immature things I have dealt with in regards to him. He is doing much better. :)
-- Edited by clep on Wednesday 26th of January 2011 04:14:07 PM
Only you will need to do what you have to do, sounds like a lot.... sounds like she is the child of an addict, but she is still your daughter too and sounds like she needs tough love. Thing is she is 21, thats what makes it difficult.
Its all up to you....all you can do is apply alanon, it works in all situations.
Does your daughter have issues with drugs or alcohol? Sounds like playing men comes from the way she has been able to play her father to get whatever she wants. I really feel for you. Sounds like an extremely difficult situation. You have set very reasonable boundaries for her and your feelings are entirely valid. I have not been in your shoes, but certainly can understand and empathize with the frustration you must be feeling. It does sound like she is going to have to learn some things the hard way.
Yes she will have to learn the hard way and I have my own road to learn with her. I have a care taking nature as may of us do in Al-anon. It's hard to separate that with a child for me, even an adult child. I am working on it though. :)
