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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> believing the truth
Post Info TOPIC: believing the truth
kath


Senior Member

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Posts: 125
Date:
believing the truth
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The Voice of Truth tells me a different story...I love that song by Casting Crowns.

I have listened to the lies of my AH for way too long. I am wavering today. I should not have read all the hateful messages telling me that I am an unfit mother and that I am a whore because for so long I have believed every little thing that has come out of his mouth, and now I am learning not to let him get into my head. I am tired right now and beginning to crumble with negative thoughts that maybe what I am doing is wrong and that maybe I am a bad mother.

I know I have struggled with this before. Everybody tells me to ignore what he says, but what if he is right? Maybe I am evil for keeping our baby away from him. I don't know what else to do when he has to stay high all the time. We have been separated for over a year now. He is active and in complete denial and he says I am the bad one for breaking up our family.

I just wish he would go away and leave us alone. I really don't even think he loves us because he just uses our baby as a tool to manipulate me into feeling guilty because he knows I do that. I watched him use all my weaknesses known to him against me today which is awareness I must say! I am saddened that it has come to this, yet glad that I am realizing much more the seriousness of his disease and how it doesn;'t have to affect me.

Truthfully it is affecting me. I am grieving. I am hurting because his words cut right through me. I remained civil today, although it was hard not to retaliate.

It is a pretty rough feeling knowing that my own husband whom I trusted and loved feels that way about me. I was true to him. I tried to make it work. It was like the closer I got to him the meaner he became and the more he had to use.

I just don't understand this. I know I am sick too. I really do not wish to deprive our daughter of a father, I am grieving for her too because he is lost.

"Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of Truth..."



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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:
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Kath

You are a beautiful intelligent, compassionate,wise  loving mother and human being.  I too lost my self esteem and became so self doubting from living with this disease and trying to find a middle ground.  The name calling is part of the illness and is used to keep you unsure and unable to  move.

Once alanon tools kicked in and I learned to :

List my assets (as I started for you)
Detach
List my gratitude list
Focus on myself
My self esteem returned and I was no longer pained or upset over the foolish childish  attempts to engage me in a battle I could not win.

Call alanon people or your sponsor if you need to be uplifted 

You are not alone and ask HP for the guidance you need to protect your child

Keep living strong
You are a child of God and loved by God trust that Hp wil guide and  

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
Date:
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Sounds like an important breakthrough. You define your own self-worth and self-esteem.

One of the sayings of the program is "To thine on self be true." I feel like you really hit upon this here.

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kath


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 125
Date:
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Thank you for those kind words, hotrod! Thank you for the guidance. Hope you have a wonderful day.

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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
Date:
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Oh Kath, hon remember!!!! His brain is not normal, he is not thinking straight, in other words he is insane!!!!

With out any doubt, he does not feel what he is saying. IF anything those are the things he feels about himself.

Addiction makes people so darn sick. My AH never said bad things about my person to me. When I found out what he said to others it hurt! Then I realized how sick he was/is the lies, nothing he says matters.

Would your AH want someone else who was on drugs to watch your precious child?I am sure NOT.
A's disease will spew out that venom to "anyone" who is weak and will allow it!

This is what makes it vital to build our SELF up. We know we are good people, honest, kind, we protect our kids, keep our finances in check, help others.

Are you going to meetings hon? We need to be our greatest best friend, we deserve that.

His words are no different than if it was brain cancer making him think wrong. It is the disease controlling him. It is so sad.

Hon he loved you enough to marry you. He has love for you inside. I am sure he goes thru times of self hate for being so mean to you.

We have got to protect ourselves. Venom is poison! Would you drink a glass of poison he hands you? So what makes ya listen to it? Of course it hurts.

When I was first realizing I needed to move from my Eden, have to place my animals, I could not watch anything sad or scary or read a book about this guy who is trying to keep his elephant (Modo) I had to treat me tenderly. NO drama, NO stress.

Even now, right now my stomach is nauseated from this moving stress on my path. I will only let good things in. Protecting me. HP gave you, you. Treat her with tenderness!

I know from your sharing you are a good, sweet, thoughtful person and a very good mom!

I KNOW. I said it too, "how can anyone love me if my own husband doesn't?" Ya I said that before! NO MORE.

Kath I KNOW my husband still loves me. But the disease has killed him. Now he is a monster in my husbands body. or ex husbands....

I hate this disease not him. I don't believe a word the disease says.

NO you are not crazy or bad!!

Protecting yourself also protects your child! Keep coming! (((((Kath))))) Love,debilyn holding you tight so you will not waver a tiny milli something.....

__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
kath


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 125
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you Debilyn. I appreciate your kind words. I have reached out to my sponsor and another friend I met at an al anon meeting. I am taking it easy today.

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