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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> help staying stong
Post Info TOPIC: help staying stong
terrysys


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help staying stong
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after 7 years and many attempts I finally made my AH leave.  it was the hardest thing I've ever done.  a week later he's going to AA and begging to talk and be better. after all the hurt and hate I don't want to go back, I don't care that NOW he wants to get better, that it took filing for divorce for him to realize that he was loosing me.  it didn't matter to him while he was abusing me or trying to make me hate myself that he would eventually lose me, why now.  I feel guilty that he has nothing and nowhere to go and no one to turn to, but I tried for years to help and was just berated for it. I'm so angry, I don't really think I will ever forgive him and every time he calls to ask me to help him  i just want to scream WHY???  am I wrong for feeling this way? why can't he understand that years of hurt and abuse don't just evaporate because he went to 2 AA meeting and someone told him he was sick. I feel like this is something he needs to do himself and although it feels like I'm being mean to him, I'm actually being kind to myself, removing myself from a situation I know I can't emotionally handle any more.



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Mattie


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As I'm sure you know, you don't need his agreement to make a decision about what's healthy for you.

As I'm also sure you know, the disease will do anything to keep itself comfortable.  It's very uncomfortable for an alcoholic to be challenged by consequences to face the truth of his disease, to have to fend for himself, to be faced with what's he's made of his life.  His urgent response will be "Undo it! Undo it!"

It can take us a long time to really detach from the insanity.

You probably also know that the real recovery rate from alcoholism is very low -- around 20% for those who start AA.  If he's really on a path to recovery, he has plenty of time to demonstrate that.  If he keeps working his program (sadly, a big "if"), he'll go through many changes, and this will pass.

If you can get to some meetings, you'll find a lot of support for your own recovery.  That's the most important thing you can do.  We don't even realize how the disease has pulled us down with it.  Take care of yourself, and keep coming back.

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canadianguy


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Hi... your feelings are never "wrong", and you have every right to feel how you feel...  I think what you are going through is very common - many active A's want to have us believe (and perhaps are trying to convince themselves) that if they just do "x" then all is forgiven and everything is wonderful....

The reality is that you two have gone through a LOT, and it would take a lot for it to all be repaired..... Today, you sound like you have no interest in repairing the relationship (and that is definitely within your rights)...  One perspective would be that you don't need to make any such decision right now - I was often encouraged to let life play out, and see where things go.....

Today is a wonderful time for him to work on him, and for you to work on you....

Take care
Tom

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
Debilyn


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Terry you know you did the right thing, that is all that matters.

He is sick, it is NO excuse however. You just gave him the opportunity to learn to take care of himself, make some good choices.

There are LOTS of things he can do and he can find them for himself.

We never know what the future may bring. Your attending Al Anon will help you to heal. We can support you too. The tools you learn here are amazing.

When we do too much or most times anything for the addict we make them worse. They have got to learn to do it on their own!

What I say to them  is, "I have faith in you, I know you can take care of yourself and get better."

One day at a time! Believe me I know it sounds strange but you just gave him a lifeline by blessing him to do for himself.

Keep coming!! debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Phoe


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Sounds like your AH and my exAH are cut from the same cloth. I too got the guilt trips for 'giving up' and not giving him another chance (even though I'd given him chance after chance after chance). When you get to your breaking point is when you get to your breaking point. It's different for everyone.

Al-Anon helped me a TON. I wouldn't have my sanity and serenity today if it weren't for my program.

Your post sounds like me two years ago. I wish I could give you a big hug. I can't tell you that it's going to be easy...my experience was that I went through a lot of different emotions and questioned my decisions more than a few times. It wasn't until I was a little further out from the situation that I realized that the real reason I left was that I had turned into someone I didn't like. I needed to get out so I could save myself - he wasn't worth my self-worth and self-respect.

I can tell you, though, that my life today is better than I ever, ever imagined it could be. It works if you work it, and YOU ARE WORTH IT!!

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