The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Martyr--- 1) A Person who Dies rather then renounce his religion; 2) One who Makes a Great Sacrifice for the Sake of Principle... 3) A GREAT or CONSTANT Sufferer....
Ok, Well I must confess that When I 1st Entered the Room of Al-Anon and someone would say, "My Mom is a Martyr" I would Dismiss it, because I didn't know what one was.. So it Didn't Apply To Me...
Now... 2 Years into Program, I decided I "Wanted" to know what they were talking about, so I began to "Listen" closer, & Whipped out old "Mr. Webster" ... :)
I went to a Meeting the Other Night, and the topic was "What Getting to Meetings Has Changed for Me".... and for some reason, during that Meeting, it HIT Me Like a Ton of Bricks... ALL of my Life, I was Taught, and Raised to BE a Martyr... And Like anything else in my "Addictive" personality, when I do something, I do it right... :0) "So Says Me" ...
Knowing Now, and Accepting that I was that Person, kinda irritates me like a Blister on my Foot... I at one time I thought that "Venting" (#3 Above) was Just 'Releasing' pent up anger, but it isn't that at all for ME! It was more of a way to "Get a Responce"... Get someone to Listen enough to "Add" to my Pity Me Kick... That is how I was Raised to Be, I was Raised to "Piss N Moan"...
Thank God Above, I know longer have to "Piss n Moan" for Attention, I can Be OK without Any, and Ok with just being me! I know now that God isn't Punishing me for the things that have went wrong in my life, he is raising me up to the occassion of what is next in my life... I know that I Will have days that i come on here, and Pour out my "Pity Me" and I know there are times I will Slip and I am Truly OK with that... Just the Acceptance and the Awareness of this very Topic has given me another chance to Grow Better then Before... Progress Not Perfection...
I know that the Program is Working "In" me as well as around me, I say this because as some of you know, I have a "procedure" coming up that "Normally" would be very Scarey to me, because I have Never in my Life been Put "Under" and I can Honestly say, I know its Next Month, but not sure of the day, because when I came home, upset from the doctors, I immediately sat down with my Husband, and Explained to him that I did not want "Any" of my Family to No, I was Handing it Over to God, and what ever the out come the rest is up to Him... And I have known about this now for going on 2 months, and I can say, I still haven't told them...
Its Not that I don't want them to know, I will tell them, But when it is Over... My Mom likes to Roll in Carring 10 bags of Tears for everytime something goes a "miss" in her life, and my Sister will call me daily and just be a constant reminder, am I glad that they Love me & Care... Very Much!!! But I don't Know longer Need Their Pity... I'm Ok Taking Care of Myself, and having somethings in my life that are left for ME alone to decide on... Without Outside Input or Sufficating from them...
When I 1st began this journey to Self Discovery, I Knew Deep Down, Somethings in my Life were Going to Change, but I had NO Idea that I would be able to Accept Me for WHO i am, and I had NO Idea that I didn't have to Pout to get attention because HP is always listening, I have learned and Grew some much because of the "Once" Strangers HERE, that have come into my life, to which I now Call Family, And My F2F Group could not be anymore supporting... Knowing that God's "Got this" and that the Pity Me Crap was just me Craving Attention, and still trying to get it Any way I could... Which Now... I can see... Is how I Lived Most of my life, Begging for Attention in Some Form Or Another.... Do You have ANY Idea the Weight that Has Been Lifted Off of me Today... Just in Learning this ONE Thing... "I Know longer have to be a Martyr!!! I Can Be Me!"
Thanks for Letting me Share...
Love & Prayers to All... Thanks for Helping Me Grow... One Amazing Day At a Time... Thanks for Being Here, and for your Continued Support of Pushing me Gently into Growth... I am Most Grateful Always!!!
Good post. That was a huge character defect for me too. I used to complain all day long and it kept me very sick. I work in a job where I help others all day long so I reasoned that the world owed me and that others should always be nice and take care of me. Naturally, they did not respond the way I wanted and others always have their own agenda. This left me constantly angry, disappointed, and depressed in all my relationships.
Only after being in a 12 step program for a while do I realize that when i want attention, i can ask for it. When I need help, I can ask for help instead of bitching about how hard things are and how in the world am I supposed to accomplish all these things...
So, now that we are both off the cross as ex-martyrs...Lets have a bonfire with all that extra wood!
"Let us have a bonfire with all the extra wood" LOL what a rip!! Ever notice that there are no request for martyr's in the help wanted ads or the employment section? ummmmm. Doesn't even go on my resume now tho at one time I also was expert on it. Gonna go build a bonfire.
"Let us have a bonfire with all the extra wood" BAHAHA
I struggle with this, daily. I used to complain about stuff all the time, to anyone who would listen, and those people just enabled that sickness by telling me how sorry for me they felt and giving me attention as a result of my complaining. I came to this realization, oh, about 8 years ago. I was 21-22 at the time. I had just finally broken up with my daughter's father, so, I no longer had anything to complain about to my university friends...and I felt like something was missing!! I went to therapy for a while and read some books back then, then wondered...did I just want the attention? yep. sure did. Did the complaining and moaning and bitching about everything result in any good? nope, sure didn't.
Then, a new person came into our group of friends. She complained and complained about crap constantly, it dominated every conversation (or lack thereof). She annoyed me. I wondered, did I used to annoy others when I wouldn't shut-up about my stupid pity me problems?? I suddenly felt so stupid and hoped people didn't think I was THAT annoying. I then apologized to my main listeners for all my complaining.
Then, along came the alcoholic. Although, I didn't have anything to complain about there for several years.
But, now I do...and I struggle to just keep it to myself. When AH first told all his friends and family about his addiction, he downplayed it, or didn't go into detail at least...and I wanted to! I wanted to tell them all the hell I've been though, what he's done ect.. Then, I asked myself, why? Why do I want to tell them? I think my motivation was...I was seeking sympathy? And, I also thought I wanted them to just have a better picture of the deep and everywhere ramifications of addiction, as I don't think most people have a clue what an alcoholic is and how the disease effects many lives. But, why...why did I want them to know? I wanted them to know how it effected my life.. I didn't say anything. I'm fine with that (most days).
For now, I'm grateful to have that awareness and to be able to catch myself and work on it.
Powerful awareness and powerful recovery. The "Lifitng of the burden of being a martyr" how freeing is that!!! add to that the ability to say I love me just as I am and HP will give me all the attention I need . Wow this expression of growth and awareness is what using the alanon program is all about.
