6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Boundaries vs. control

kath · Senior Member

I would suggest looking in the back of Courage to Change under Boundaries and read about what it says.
A lot of the confusion you are experiencing is from focusing on the A. I know this as I have just recently come out of the fog and started working a program and focusing on me. It is not easy, but you will make it because this program works!!
Glad you are going to meetings. If you haven't already I would highly suggest getting a sponsor that you can call as well as posting on this board.

Take it easy!!

Kath

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

I struggled with the whole boundary thing too. As I understand it, the difference between setting a boundary and trying to control depends on my motivation. I may say to my ah ¨if you come home drunk, you cannot sleep with me¨. If it's because I think that will cause him to not come home drunk, that's trying to control him. If it's because I want a peaceful nights sleep without having to deal with him when he's been drinking, that is a valid boundary. Boundaries are something we put into place for us, to help keep our serenity. Not to try and change or control someone elses behaviour. That's my take on it anyway, I'm sure others will be along to explain it better.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

ohh I love this topic! I agree a boundary is for YOU, it is soemthing that you can enforce and you can create a consequence for your action -- u cannot set a boundary and "expect" another adult to "obey" you about it. The A's are used to us giving in to them. So when we first change this behavior, they work harder to get at us, to get us emotional and nutty for them - bc when we get all upset, they sit back and say - oh ya see I knew u were the crazy one- and our outburst gives them an excuse to use.

Stopping the emotional outbursts for me, meant I merely had to remove myself and then I wouldnt blow up and react to their antics. That was how I handled my step dad and I could leave and go to my home. It was more challenging with my exAH whom I lived with. I would read or go into the bathroom (didnt work he followed me in there).
When we are first tiwth our A's - we say to them it is ok that they use like they do bc we are there accepting it. If we suddenly stop saying it is ok - its like (to them) we are pulling the rug out from them. But we dont owe another adult a thing, we do owe us however. Is this what we want for our lives?

Either way we cannot dictate and control our partners. I think it is fair for you to decide what is acceptable and tolerable and what is not.

Our expectations is another topic altogether and I was told that having any expectations at all is a way that I will continually be hurt and it is a way that I am attemtpting to manipualte and control another person.

Boundaries are for us and about us. You must set a consequence that you can carry out, as we cannot control them -- we can only change and control us.

stephaniej · Senior Member

I have struggled a lot with this, too. My need to control is total insanity, and it has been very hard to curb it. I have started to look at it this way:

If a "boundary" is something I am setting to protect my own serenity/emotional well-being, then it truly is a boundary.

If a "boundary" is something I am declaring in an attempt to get my AH to do what I want him to do, then it is not a boundary.

I am finding that most things are actually a little bit of both. I try to spend some time reflecting on what aspects of the boundary are truly designed only to protect myself, and those are the boundaries I institute.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

It can be a difficult concept to grasp, but ultimately it has to be around what you need for you. I had a similar experience to what you are describing. My exAH also had affairs, and I allowed it for many months because I felt helpless and was too scared to do anything else. When he came home from rehab I made it clear that he was to have no contact with the other woman, and if he so much as talked to her, he was going to have to leave. Within a few weeks, I drove by a gas station and saw him talking to her while they were both pumping gas. I then phoned him up that day, and told him that I would be gone with the kids that night, and he was to be gone by the next day. He left, and was a victim of being kicked out for quite a while. It was one of the most painful things I have ever done, but empowering too. I could not let him treat me that way anymore, but even more, I could not treat me that way anymore. He set a boundary and he crossed it. My exAH has been sober and working a program for just over 3 years now and we are struggling with my 17 yr old son. Just the other night he texted me and told me I did the right thing when I kicked him out those years ago.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I know in my situation, there was no reason for him to change because I allowed for comfortable misery.

So often if takes time to really get it it clear, but coming here and reading and posting, getting to meetings, and saying it all loud really helps. The secrecy I held of my ex's infidelity was destroying me. Standing up for me was the first step in the healing process.

Blessings,
Lou

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

It's hard to tell at first what's a boundary and what's an attempt to control. The more you practice, the easier it gets, but it's still hard.

Boundaries are for you. If you tell your husband that having affairs and abusing alcohol is unacceptable, and you do this to protect yourself and your own sanity, it could be a boundary. [Just a caveat, though about the alcohol abuse ... alcoholism is a disease with physical cravings. If you set this boundary, it is likely that you will have to follow through with a consequence.] I like to think of boundaries as things I do to keep other people from coming into a bubble I keep around myself. It's not a wall, it's flexible - but I determine when and under what circumstances I will make the bubble smaller. I do this for the sole reason of protecting what's in the bubble, not to keep other people away or to make other people act in a particular way. A boundary of mine is that I will not tolerate verbal abuse. To protect myself, I will immediately remove myself from the situation if it happens. For me, when a boundary is violated, I am the one that takes action. I don't set the boundary with the expectation that others won't test it.

Attempts to control happen when you have an expectation about the outcome of the situation. If you're thinking in your head that if you tell him you won't tolerate these things that it will provide incentive for him to stop, this is an attempt to control. These ultimately don't work, because one free-thinking adult simply does not have the power to control another free-thinking adult. If I tell someone that has verbally abused me in the past that I will not tolerate verbal abuse and that person will have to leave if they start to abuse me, and I do so with the expectation that the behavior won't happen anymore because I threw a threat out there, I'm going to be the one that is disappointed. The behavior won't change, and then I will have to figure out how I'm going to kick the other person out - if I even follow through with it.

For me, boundaries are things that I actually can do ... I can leave the situation when someone verbally abuses me. Attempts to control are something I can't actually do ... I can't make someone else do it my way, and odds are good that I will not follow through with the threatened consequences when I don't get my way.

Just my .02.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

this is what I used to set boundareis in all aspects of my life:

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEM CLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).

Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.

The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.

I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents: I made my first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there. Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left. After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didnt need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me, I no longer believed them - I could detach from him entirely & he couldnt hurt me anymore.

FACE IT: Become aware of the thinking/behaviour that is a problem

TRACE IT: Try to establish where you think it comes from and why

EMBRACE IT: Accept that you did the best you could with what you had at the time but it no longer needs to be that way. Forgive yourself.

ERASE IT: The thinking/behavior no longer serves your best interests. To erase it, ask God to remove your shortcomings. Refuse to participate in the same thinking and behavior patterns. You may 'slip' from time to time but thats ok, it's a process and it's about progress not perfection.

REPLACE IT: Nothing exists in a vacuum therefore if you remove something you need to put something else in it's place. Where possible fill the void with Gods love. You can replace negative thinking/behavior with positive, healthy responses. Use the tools of the program. Sometimes we try something new and it doesn't work out for us, that's ok too, just try something different.

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace. ~jim hendrix~

Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions - Aphorist Cullen Hightower

Detachment allows me to disagree and not try to control the outcome. ts

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Thank you, everyone! This is helping.

So, I'm thinking out loud here. I cannot control my AH's drinking. He will drink whether he is in our home or not and has done this. He will drink, even if it means he has to hide it and lie to me. Alcohol wins. I have no control over it. I cannot compete with it. I am powerless over the alcohol.

I also cannot control the behaviors that have resulted from AH's alcohol abuse: affairs, verbal venom, and drunk driving.

I DO have control over how I respond. I can protect myself physically and emotionally. I can not get in a car with AH. I can not allow our children in the car with him. I can walk out of the room when the verbal venom starts flowing, before I am in tears. I can choose not to ask my AH questions because I know many, if not most, answers are lies. And, I can take the time I need to figure out how I want to respond to the affair behavior.

This letting go is a lot harder than it seems.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

You got it, VVT!

The letting go is hard at first, but in time it's such a relief. For me, I always felt like I needed to DO something. I could not handle uncertainty, or the feeling of being in limbo. I'd make a snap judgment just to end the discomfort, not ever taking the time to think things through or consider what I actually wanted. In accepting that I was powerless, I was so grateful that I didn't have to take on all the responsibility anymore. Being powerless was a weight off my shoulders because I could stop trying to figure things out that weren't mine to handle, and I could stop trying to force solutions that didn't work.

Occasionally, I still find myself still trying to take the control back from my HP. When I do that, I cause myself pain. It's not perfect, but it's the progress that matters. Just understanding what the issue even is is huge progres ... I spent many years being miserable and I thought it was because of what other people were doing.

So glad you're here!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I liked Kitty's share. Made lots of sense.

Is it controlling to say no feet on the coffee table, no leaving dishes laying around, put dirty cloths in the hamper?

Boundaries are for me, the rules I need in my home. Rules that keep me happy, comfortable.

NO one is allowed to drink in my home, no one is allowed to smoke on my property.I believe it is more not just directed at the A. That needs to be clear.

I am not going to be a friend to any person who is my mate who cheats and or uses drugs. period.

I choose not to have friends who make me feel less of myself.

Its not telling others what to do or not to do. It is making it clear how you want YOUR life to be. And the consequences if someones behavior does not fit with your desires.

YOUR life.

Again you can make it clear, they are boundaries meant for everyone. not just the A.

Its NOT personal. It is only YOUR desires for YOu.

Most A's are so selfish, they immediately take it personal, like our boundaries are always all about them. In reality they are OUR choices.

I don't want anyone to cheat on me. I don't want anyone to yell at me. NO one is allowed to be mean to my animals. NO one has the right to put their bolony on me.

If they choose to, they are choosing to not be around me. The consequence.

That is it too. When there are set boundaries to how we choose to live our life, the other people have a choice. Respect the other persons boundaries, or choose to break them, thus choosing the consequence that comes with it. Simple.

This is how i taught my at risk kids. NEVER took responsibility for their dumb choices. We set clear boundaries, and consequences. If they chose to say to leave the campus with out permission, they had chosen the consequence. I would say, "You turkey, I sure would not have made that choice!" never rescuing or anything.

We teach others how to treat us. There is nothing wrong with that.

Just becuz a loved one is A, or has MS or whatever does not give them the right to walk all over us!

hugs, debilyn

DadtoCandE · Veteran Member

I set a boundary when my wife and I separated that she would not drink when she had the kids. That was for the safety of the kids and my peace of mind. It was the right thing to do, but I'd be lying if I wasn't hoping that it wouldn't control her drinking in the back of my mind. The danger with the latter "hope" was that if my kids picked up on it then they would have felt responsible for her drinking. When I set the boundary originally I wasn't getting any help. So in reality I was at step 0. Fortunately I never shared the boundary with the boys, but kids tend to pick up more then we realize, so I may have put my kids in two precarious positions: feeling responsible for their mom's drinking and possibly in a position where they would feel they needed to protect their mom from my finding out.

I'm faced with the exact same dilema now as my wife is completing her 30 days tomorrow. Gotta get a sponser at my next meeting!

firehorse · Member

Boundaries are for me. When its control, its me usually focusing on the other person. This is always a challenge for me.

Some boundaries I have placed in the past are:

- I will not have conversations with people while they are drunk/high. When I was in college my stepfather used to call me intoxicated. I had to tell him to call back when he sobered up.

- For my safety, I can not sleep alone at my parents house when they were still drinking.

- After my mom got dry but not sober, I decided I needed to detach in order to focus on my recovery.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think for me it is not so much about telling others they can't do something. For me it is about having a consequence if they do. If my roommates do laundry past a certain time there is a consequence. A sign didn't do it, remonstration did not do it. Only the consequence (they pay money!) changes their behavior. Needless to say those who start having boundaries around the boundaryless are not exactly popular either!

Many of us struggle with boundaries. There is a process to it there is trial and error involved. There is also a lot of practice involved too.

Maresie.

notaunicorn · Newbie

Wow, I'm another newbie and this post has been amazingly helpful. I went to my first f2f al-anon meeting on Sunday and am trying another tomorrow/today (Friday). This is all new to me and I've been struggling with this issue. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

maisey · Newbie

This post was exactly what I was looking for- I can actually say that my higher power guided me here. I was laying awake for the 4th night in a row (it's 3:30 am now) with knots in my stomach about my struggle to control. I have given up on trying to control my alcoholic parents (more specifically my mom) but have somehow in the last 2 years moved on to fiercely trying to control my boyfriend of 4 years. Although his drinking does bother me, it's his "recreational cocaine use" that makes me feel insane- or I guess it's my trying to control him to not do it that is making me insane.

Although I know that the controlling is my problem and is causing me such sickness I am struggling with the idea of boundaries vs control.

I don't want to be with someone who uses drugs. I keep telling him that each time I catch him, fight for a week, threaten to break up, make up and then threaten to leave the next time it happens. I have to admit the only way I even really catch him is when I go through his wallet or clothes after a night out. He says I wouldn't know it unless I strip searched him so it's not affecting our relationship- and in a sense he's right.

so my question is- if I don't want to be with someone who uses drugs, and I don't search him the next day to "prove evidence" then it may never exactly cause problems. But I'll always feel like I can't trust him and he's doing it anyway so why not have the evidence!

I don't want to be with someone who uses drugs. I will leave him if he doesn't stop. Is this control or a boundary? I guess he has proved it time and time again to me so I feel my only option is to leave. Working the program will give me sanity on trying to control but why be with him anyway if I can never even trust that he is going to stop using cocaine.

Then I think to myself that it is not worth throwing away- lots of people use it recreationally. It doesn't make him spend $, abuse me, cheat or anything else but I am not comfortable with it.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES