Perhaps one of the premises of al-anon that makes it "work", is the repetition of concepts, ideas, and priniciples until one is ready to get it.  Could it be that time has come for me? Now I am not talking about something earth-shattering and new, I am talking about the basic premise that al-anon is based upon:  focus on yourself.  Or, as my sponsor so gently put to me when I was projecting and trying to fix things I had no control over,  "that Dear, is outside of your hula hoop".  Yep, I think I may finally be getting it...

I went to a meeting last week and there was a new person present, well, new to this meeting but 12 years in al-anon. She offered to speak since it was supposed to be a speaker meeting and there was no one lined up.  Thanks HP.  I had a particularly rough week. Situation with 17 yr old son escalated and exAH and I both decided we had enough of behavior that is just not acceptable.  How did it get to that point? What went wrong?  Well, so glad I went to the meeting to find out.  Ha!  Love it when that happens. She spoke of her 17 yr old son and how he brought her to her knees and to alanon. This woman talked about how in raising her son, she over-reacted to everything and that her husband under-reacted.  She said her spouse was gone all the time, a workaholic, and he would mostly be responding to her over-reaction, and ultimately all the relationships became ABOUT the son, NOT WITH  the son.  Wow!  Yep, that's how it went.  That's it!  She ended by saying that the beauty of it all, was that by having such crisis, they were a family of recovery and what a beautiful thing that has become.

So, here is exAH 3 yrs sober and working a tight program, and finally a part.  Finally he is facing conflict and willing to be present. My response?  Whoopee!  I jump right in, so happy to get what I've always wanted : a partner in parenting.  At the same time, in doing so, I put him back in the driver's seat, and became willing to let him steer where we should go.  I got caught up in what is going to happen if HE doesn't fix his part, and how the living situations and relationships will be affected. The lightbulb suddenly came on this weekend, and I got it.  My brother, a defense attorney who spent a significant number of years defending youth, offered to take my son to lunch.  Afterward, my bro who is the best secret-keeper ever and takes confidentiality very serious, called to let me know the lunch took place and that he felt it was time well spent.  As we talked and I told him that ex and I were united on working  issues with my son, and that it was a "family problem"...  he stuttered and paused and finally said, "... as sad as it is, you are two families now...".  He also said my son really loves me.  Simple, but profound.  I needed that reality check. It made sense because I was able to process it along with all words I have read and heard here at MIP and in meetings for the past 3.5 yrs.  Abbyal, CanadianGuy, Jerry, Christy, Karilynn, debilyn, hotrod, kitty, so many of you who have gone before me, its what you've been saying over and over again.  Now perhaps I am ready to hear it.  I need to stop worrying about how all the dynamics will work and going to the exAH for my next move, and do what I feel is right, even if sometimes I don't even know what that is. I need to depend on me, my God, and working my program.   All that really matters is what I do and that I mend MY relationship with my son. Gotta work inside my hula-hoop. 

Son has agreed to family counseling, something that he has absolutlely refused in the past.   Thank God! ExAH found a therapist.  He will meet with us, and then son this week, but I put out some calls as well to determine if it all should be under the guidance of one.  Son is out of the house right now.  Staying with a friend.  As much as it hurts my heart and do not like it, I am at peace. I think about what happened when I was in control of what he was doing (or thought I was), so figure things can probably be okay without me.  Ex and I  cleaned out son's room a couple of weeks ago when he was gone and primered the walls.  I painted it today, but I picked a color I wanted.  I dont know what is going to happen, but have decided that either he will have a clean room or I will have a workout room and get a treadmill.   Of course, I desire the former, but will have no concessions... to be in this house, he needs to be kind, contribute, be substance-free and get good grades.  He turns 18 in July.  Like the recovering alcoholic who can't go home to an old idea, I see my situation no different, and now it is time for some real change, and much of that change is me.  Not sure how to get there, but at least I think I might get it now.

My son and I have a lot of healing to do. I hope we can.  My bro also said to me that he has worked with a lot of kids who are "rotten inside", and he truly does not see my son as one of them, and he sees he can do good things.  I think so too, but it was good to hear him say it. 

I know this is somewhat rambling.  Of course, much more to the story (including the gory details), but I just needed to process what I am learning.  So much more healthy to share it, even if it is at 3 in the morning! 

Blessings,
Lou

-- Edited by Loupiness on Tuesday 18th of January 2011 07:13:23 AM

-- Edited by Loupiness on Tuesday 18th of January 2011 07:17:41 AM

-- Edited by Loupiness on Tuesday 18th of January 2011 10:51:38 AM