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Hi I've been in Alanon recovery for a long time now. My AH can be annoying but hes working his program hard and doing really well. My problem is with a friend of mine S who is not in recovery. She'll quite openly say shes an A to get attention and sympathy but she won't get help. Since my AH went into recovery and I learned a bit of Alanon she suddenly stopped contacting. I assumed she was engrossed in life and didn't think much about it till Christmas. She told me she hadn't been talking to me FOR 2 YEARS and was really put out I hadn't noticed lol.
She has a son T (my Godson) who is 25 and has a child. We were introduced to his partner H and she went on my facebook. They haven't been together for 2 years (apparently because of his own drinking and abusive behaviour) but I follow their child growing up on facebook. His ex, H is really nice and their relationship or lack of it has nothing to do with me.
Now he has decided that none of his firends and family should be in contact with H and we are all to take her off our friends list. I asked his Mum about this and she said he didn't want H to gain contact through other people. So I set up a seperate facebook and divided up them and H. Problem solved as far as I was concerned. H can't see what T is talking about and vice versa but also anyone on my friends list can't see what T is saying either.(my kids and some of their friends)
Now I am being told by S that if I and my adult kids have any feeling for her son I would cut off contact competely.
Now my head is full of it. Alanon has gone out of the window and I can't get my head off the chaos and drama.
I really don't know why.... I don't want to cut off from this single Mum and give up watching the child grow up. Its not as if T and his family are discussed or even mentioned much. She is completely seperate from them now....although it is my Godsons child.
I know they have issues but they are not my issues. i'm not involved.
I can't see the wood for the drama....my own part in it is being lost.
I'm annoyed at being forced to choose between a long time friend and my Godson (alcoholics manipulation and control) and someone who has been friendly for some 5 years .....
but I also don't want to be forced to alter my connection (even though its not really even a strong connection) with this single mum and her child. (feeling I'm at fault for standing up for myself) (by giving in and cutting off contact as I've been told to do, am I enabling the alcoholic game?)
H is not dependant on me in any way and I'm not dependant on her so why am I finding this difficult.
I don't want to join in the game and I don't want to be manipulated.
Sorry if it all seems very petty and minor but my head I know is right back in the confusion that alcoholism creates
Not sure why this share has gone into italic text....but I can't change it lol
I'd be really interested to hear some sense and Alanon around this. I have a meeting tomorrow lol
"I don't want to join in the game and I don't want to be manipulated." ((((F2F)))) sounds a bit late huh? and then we learn we can restart our day at anytime we want or need to soooo..."Get ready!! restart." Sponsor, meeting, literature, practice. The only business you have to mind or manage is your own. ((((hugs))))
First no one has the right to tell you who you can talk to or have a relationship with , and from the sounds of it them not talking to you would sound like a bonus to me . Do the next right thing for YOU
In my opinion, people that have issues with other people are have the responsiblity to work those issues out themselves, or to avoid the issues if that is what they choose. It is not anyone else's job to tiptoe around those issues. We each have the right to be friends with or have relationships with whoever we want.
I agree, it's very easy to relapse. The good part is that with some recovery under your belt, you can see it sooner and get the train back on the track. :)
For me the urge to win and to do what ever I had to to "win"; the power and control and the manipulation had become a habit a default and that is part of what the program fixed in me. "Admitted I am powerless and that my life has become unmanageable" has been brought up to the present...not the past. Yes I had to look back then to get the reality of how I was trying to have life on life's terms meet all of my expectations and having learned the lesson the reality remains or I relapse back into insanity. The only person I can hope to have any power over is myself and even that takes a Power greater than myself, a world wide program of recovery, a sponsor and daily walking the steps, slogans, prayers and all other principles of this program. In honor of MLK's words...."Free at last, Free at last; Thank GOD...I'm free at last". ((((hugs))))
It all sounds pretty grade school to me. They don't like her and they want you on their side, so you aren't supposed to like her either. They could use a big hot cup of "grow up".
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you all for replying. I really think step 2 is baby step towards knowing the God of my understanding. Just sharing an issue really is powerful and has re assured me of my sanity.... and how insanity is to fall in with the confusion wishes of alcoholics.
I can really see through your eyes where I am not being difficult selfish or uncaring in wanting to stay supportive to H. Its ok to love the alcoholics and to love her too.
I really needed to hear all you have said. And Jerry I also contacted my sponsor
Trying to meet life on lifes terms Funny that phrase should come up. I have to do a share on it next month and didn't know what it meant really.... Would love to hear more lol
Do the next right thing for YOU