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Hi everyone, there is something stressing me out (that Id like to squash) and Id like to hear others thoughts or experiences in similar situations.
As some of you know, my AH is in rehab right now, he was in detox before that. His mother keeps emailing me telling me how worried sick she is, she hasnt heard from him, is he ok, she feels so worried, is that normal, will she feel like this forever ect It is getting to the point where Im irritated, but I feel guilty for feeling irritated! I have enough crap to deal with in my own life and dont need to be her proxy to her son and her shrink on top of it all.
She is a very, very nice woman, yet she is selfish and unaware of it. For example, AHs mom is the only person at our wedding who never gave us a wedding gift, AH said, oh maybe its cause they are broke, then about a month after the wedding, AHs mom bought a new motorcycle scooter thing proving she had thousands of dollars to spend. AH was so hurt (and embarrassed) over this, but never told her so. When we go over there it is all surface conversation, never anything real or deep, they never talked about feelings or emotions, never hug or say I love you. They always appear so awkward around one another.
Background on AHs childhood and his mom: AH and his mom stopped saying I love you when AH was early teenager years, now I understand a teenager stopping to say I love you for a while, but a mother!! When I was a crazy out of control teenager, thats when my mom told me she loved me most often. The mom never came to see AH before he went to detox or rehab, just emailed ME asking how he was doing, never called except for the time I told her to, after yet another email telling me how worried sick she was and asking how he was doing and I replied: hes at home, why dont you call him. Growing up, AH did not like his step dad, step dad was mean to him (verbally, yelling) and mom didnt do much about that, other than yell at step dad about it. AHs biological dad (an addict) died when he was 11 but lived in another city so AH only saw him twice a year AHs mom remarried when AH was around 4 so step dad was always in the picture. I think AHs mom really loves her son, but doesnt know how to show this love in a way AH would like, she just seems emotionally closed off, and shes awkward. AH is WAY closer to my mom, than he is to his own mom.
Anyway, so AHs mom keeps emailing me and I need for it to stop. She knows where AH is, she can call the facility. I understand wanting to know more inside info from me, and its not like I never want to speak with her again, but these emails every 2-3 days telling me how worried sick she is are driving me fin crazy. She is the ONLY person out of all my friends and family and all of AHs friends and family (including his aunts so his moms sisters), she is the only person who has NOT asked if there is anything she could do or anyway she can help me out. Not that there is anything anyone can do, I know I have to do the work and take the action, but its nice of people to offer or recognize that this is not only effecting AH.
I have already told her about Alanon, given her links to all the alanon and co-dependency books, I dont think she is doing anything with that info though, at least that Ive heard of.
I struggle with what to say to her. I dont want to be mean, but I dont want to sugar coat everything to the point where she doesnt get it. Or, maybe she just isnt ready to get it who knows!
I just don't need this extra stress... she comes across as so selfish to me it drives me absolutely nuts.
Might be a good place to practice some boundaries. I have this kind of situation with my stepfather (my mom is an active A). I have realized that all I can do is plant the seed of recovery ... which I did by giving him a newcomer's packet. My sponsor says I'm not to mention it again, since he's aware of it and can ask me if he has questions or wants to know something. So far, he hasn't gone to Alanon. I know that I can't make him go, and I can't change the sick way he behaves. I can certainly decide how I am going to change, though, so I can keep my serenity. He doesn't email much, but calls me frequently. I've made good use of voice mail. I do not have to answer every phone call. I do not have to respond to every phone call either. I need not allow someone else's sickness (whether it is active drinking or active "Alanonism" for lack of a better word) to occupy my time, zap my emotions, and take my focus away from myself.
Point to remember: I don't have to take the call, and I don't have to call back either. I do these when I decide I can do so safely and still keep my serenity.
Here is where you could say to her "The counselors told me to back off and let him be responsible for his own recovery. I know you are worried and so am I." You have to talk to your son about this. Please don't think I don't care about you, but he needs to answer to people himself as me speaking for him enables his sickness. Please deal with him because I am his wife and not his caretaker." Hopefully they will not take that (or something like that) offensively.
PS - the way you describe your mother in law sounds exactly like my mother. A compulsive worrier that will hound you and nag you with her anxiety in a completely tactless way. She also stopped saying i love you and never talks about feelings while I became an over emotional, over dramatic therapist and drunk crybaby. She appealed to all my romantic partners by dealing with them and rationalizing she had to get answers from them because I avoided her and didn't "have the time" to deal with her.
My mom enabled me a lot and kept me emotionally immature by reinforcing that I did need a caretaking partner because I couldn't take care of myself. How did I respond to all this, I played the role of the sick alcoholic. Time to change the dynamic I guess.
Well, my exah is in an intensive treatment program right now in prison. I do not have contact with him or his family but if I did my response would be along the lines of ... (after work of putting an imaginary wall between myself and them for a boundary accepting that people may not like what I have to say)
He is in an enviromant that is safer than what he has been choosing in life. Until he is ready and able to communicate how he truly is none of us wll know. While he is gone i have many added responsibilities, it would help me tremendously to not have to relay the information to everyone who is concerned.
On a positive note the further I get into my program the better I am able to communicate with many people who were difficult in the past. It may help your husband and his mom too.
Thanks everyone. Yep, White Rabbit.. I definitely need to establish a boundary with his mother.
Mark and Jen, thanks for those suggestions for wording. I like them and will plagiarize parts from both of you;)
I think I'm hesitating to send this email cause I'm just so pissed off...and I'm struggling not to just tell her how selfishly I think she is behaving or coming across, and how blind and self centered she can be.
My husband's aunt wrote a wall update on Facebook the other day about how her dog had a stroke and was paralyzed so she was really sad. So, underneath that update are 20 messages of sympathy from friends and family (sorry to hear, hang in there, we love you, ect..), then AH's mom writes: "sorry to hear that. If it makes you feel better (which it probably won't) but every possible thing in my life right now is as horrible/depressing as it could possible get".
!!! She totally hijacks the wall update and turns it around to be about HER life. arggg some people are so damn clueless it just makes me bonkers.
breath.
ok, not my problem. Worry about myself. Responsible for myself... I know I know. Just venting. ;)
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Monday 17th of January 2011 08:32:46 PM
I have a similar situation with my bf's mom and I like how "pinkchip" said it with his last sentance. It makes perfect sense. That they are emotionally immature (so am I) and that their mom helps keep them there. My bf's mom does this day in and day out. One day she says she is done with him, the next she is calling and texting him to see if he is ok. Then she will start in on me, texting with tons of questions. Its rediculus. I go to my sponsor and I know I am supposed to stop the chaos and focus on me. So I tell the mom that I am at work and I can't talk now, just to have that boundary up, and she plays the guilt card: "Oh I get it" and then starts in on my bf again. She is his biggest enabler. She knows about alanon and she believes that it teaches us to IGNORE whats going on. I didn't even get into it with her after that line. So the best thing I can do right now is not talk with her. I have told my bf that speaking with her makes him have an excuse to drink, and he says he knows he needs to cool it with her. Her disease wants him right where he is, so she has an excuse to do the same things you say and make it all about her and how awful her life is with him drinking or using. SIGH. I remember I need to focus on me, one day at a time... THanks for this share!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
It has taken a couple years of recovery for my mom to even begin to recognize I am a grown ass man now. She has responded though and in the long run, I think her life is better now that she realizes she doesn't HAVE to worry about me so much. It was the greatest gift I could have given my mom...to grow up. If she wants to baby someone she can baby my nephews who she actually should be spoiling as that is more appropriate for her as their grandmother :)
Sadly, only your husbands (the alcoholics) are really going to fix the screwy dynamic, but I guess boundaries will keep you guys sane in the meanwhile.
Sometimes its a matter of getting clear with MYSELF not the other person, what my boundaries are. Are my boundaries having one email exchange a week or one phone call. If I'm on the phone, how long am I willing to have the conversation?
If I'm clear with myself, I will know how many emails I'm willing to respond to and how many times a day/or week I'm willing to do that. I also don't have to respond to every phone call. My consistent respecting of my own boundaries will eventually be clear with the other person ... how much I'm willing to do the co-dependent dance with them.
When my mom was in rehab, my stepfather kept trying to enmesh me into his hysteria and worrying - it was an endless pit. I had to remind him that I am not my mother's higher power, and that I am not her doctor. I had to remind him a few times that it was not my job to be her doctor and that I am not equipped to rescue her. I also told him that I couldn't be his therapist either. Eventually he got it.
Another boundary I placed was that I would not find her rehab. She had to do that on her own. It empowered her when she made these choices on her own and it was one of those learning lessons for me that the best gift I could give was to take care of myself and stay out of it.
the way I handle people who keep contacting me is not to answer their notes. I can't mandate someone not to email me (there are barriers but for some people that is a red flag in the wind) when I do not respond is the key.
Of course I understand the issue of the dysfunctional mother. My ex A had a very self absorbed mother. Her self absorption used to really bother me. I saw it as a reason the ex A was as he was. I saw my role as the reinforcer that he was neglected and she didn't have time for him. These days I try to keep focused on my own issues and try to stay out of other people's. That is very hard. I have to constantly refocus on that. The less I know the better. The more I focus on myself and my own issues the better I feel.
