The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a question about a recurrent theme on this board and at my Al-Anon meetings that I just can't understand. When the alcoholic drinks and decides to drive, I get the strong impression that I should never call the cops. I understand we need detach from the alcoholic's drinking and not let it make us crazy...but how do we turn our back when others are in danger? For years I watched my AH drink and drive. I felt horrible about it. Although I knew it was not me behind the wheel, I felt like I was taking partial responsibility for the drunk driving b/c I knew about it and did nothing. One night, I finally got the courage to call. It all blew up in my face. By a fluke it was a rookie that stopped him. My AH refused the breathalyser (sp?). The rookie made many mistakes. My AH took it to a lawyer and spent 7 months fighting the charge. Because he needed the police report for the trial, he found out I was the one who called on him. Because of the trial, it ended up costing us more than $6000. Apparently at court, it looked as if there was an irate wife (me), simply trying to get revenge on her husband for something. In one way it did make me more insane because I was seen as the bad guy by the courts, he got away with it, it strained our marriage even more and left us with more financial burden. HOWEVER...the pain and guilt I would experience if he had hurt or killed someone when I knew he was drinking and driving would be unbearable and I have no regrets. How can we NOT call and say it is not partially our fault if someone is killed or hurt? I just don't understand that.
We can call. It is our individual decision. I called also. And I was ready to deal with the consequences of my actions.
I actually told him I was going to call the police.
I didn't care, at that point, if it would make him mad or any other repercussions it would have. I just knew, in my heart, that I was making the best decision for ME. Not trying to manipulate or get him in trouble, just keeping myself and my kids and society at large safe from a drug addicted alcoholic behind the wheel of a 2 TON weapon of mass destruction.
Alanon teaches us to take care of ourselves and to have no expectations. I also learned here to think it thru.
So-A, so sorry for what happened to you. There was one time when my ex-AH was preparing to go to work (in the a.m.). That day, I had had it with his drinking. He had already been drinking and it was obvious, but not to him. I was planning to call our little local police station - he drove right by it on his way to work back then. But our young adult son stopped him. He encouraged him to call in sick, which he did. Our son was red hot at me! At the time he couldn't understand why I would have called the police (he understands now - 3 years later).
I divorced my ex. One reason why I did is because my conscience was bothering me. I couldn't have lived with the fact of him killing someone and I knew that he drove drunk.
You bring up a very good question. Interested in what others have to say.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Your not the first person I have heard who ended up being the bad guy , u can call as many times as you like 9 times out of ten it will turn out the same way as the first time , unfortunatley. I remember someone telling me that God looks after drunks and fools that got me thru a few bad nites . some of us have had to deal with the alcoholic and his car accidents luckily for me I am not one of them and hopfully you wont be either .. perhaps calling the police before he leaves the house they will be able to pursuade him that driving is a bad idea .. just a thought
Like every other aspect of living with alcoholism each of us must make the choice that is best for our individual situation. Drinking and driving was a very hard one for me. My biological father died in a car accident when I was a baby, and the feeling of knowing my exah could cause another to feel the pain of never knowing thier loved one tormented me. For a long time the thought of reproting his drinking and driving was inconcievable to me for all the normal reasons, fear of the anger if I was found out, fear of the financial part, just fear of not standing beside his decisions even though I knew this one was WRONG in capital letters. I secretly "lost" his keys a few times and still justify the interference, it was the best i could do at the time. I prayed alot to every HP you can imagine for help and one day his car would not start. He had already quit his job and finances were beyond tight so it never got fixed, I thought I was in the clear for having to make a decision on this matter. Then I found his family members were loaning him cars when he had an accident, he ran from that accident which resulted in losing his license. By this time the house was gone and I had no knowledge of the when and where of his driving so there was not much I could have done. In hindsight I wish I had reported it each time it happened but I do know I was doing the best i could on many difficult decisions at the time. If faced with the same choice today I think I would call.
From my own experiences I certainly understand all the reasons to act and not to act in this situation, and why people's opinions are very strong about either way. I think your asking for everyone's experience and ideas is a really good start to finding the path that is best for your peace.
Good Girl for the phone call and the civic conscious...I call and I also responded to a call and was on the board when the beat officer called in for a lic and driver check. It's okay to call and beyond that good decision making. I order to keep your ID anonymous call the anonymous line or tell the deispatcher to put you on it...they have to protect your ID after that. You have good values. Yay!!
I am grateful that I don't have to make that decision regarding my ABF, as he has never been a licensed driver.
Kind of a fresh issue for me, as we have had a sudden surge in impaired accidents lately -- 3 in the past month, two of them fatalities. And a couple older incidents that stand out for me because the drivers fled the scene to avoid being nailed for impaired, and there is a chance that both victims would have survived if they had received prompt medical attention. One of those victims was my goddaughter's 21 year old brother.
Anyway, as I see it, the potential for preventing that degree of harm to someone else warrants calling it in, and that would be my sole motivation.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Not sure why or how you'd get an impression that you "weren't supposed to call" the police at Al-Anon or on here.... I have never found my meetings to be "shoulding" me about anything at all....
I think this is a personal decision, and I know of many who have made that call....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
