The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading again (I had not been able to as I was working so much) and discovered that compassion is a skill rather than a given. In the past I had a great deal of compassion for others and little for myself. The compassion I had was linked to my desire to control. I had compassion for them and used that as an excuse to try to control them and influence them as I needed others to like me as I certainly didn't. These days I am developing compassion for myself, where I have been and where I am rather than being obsessed with trying to fix everyone around me. Of course as I'm less obsessed I can actually notice what is going on with those around me and try not to over react to it. That alone is certainly a challenge.
I hear you loud and clear. I think the "better" I get in my recovery, the more concious I am of this. I have learned that I am truly, obsessive, compulsive. I always want to try and help and fix. I am learning that they are not my problems to worry about and though I offer support, I don't offer advice like I would have in the past. I am more likely now to pass a long a slogan like "nothing changes, if nothing changes" and let them figure out the rest. Progress, not perfection.
great post! I found that I grew up not learning the true meaning of compassion or forgivness. This has been a recent revelation for me....I knew how to "fake" compassion in order to show it in situations where it would be applicable, but never really felt it. and i find that so sad now. I was taught to judge and critize and unfortunatly those were the "isms" i passed along to my own children. In dealing with my own son's addiction, it took me over 5 yrs to understand compassion for my son and that was only after I truly looked in his eyes and saw the horrible pain there. From there my compassion grew and for that I am gratful. Forgivness I am still working on LOL Blessings
Great awareness!!! I too did not really understand the meaning of compassion I could "Pity" others and because I "Felt Sorry for them" I would feel the need to fix it.
This "Pity" made me superior (in my mind) and others less than. Certainly not a constructive, loving approach to living or relating.
All of my kindness to others also had a hidden agenda--- You take care of me "If I am kind to you"
I would never have recognized any of this without the alanon progrm and the steps. What a gift.
I think compassion developed for me when I began to work step 4. I once had a very bad habit of taking everyone else's inventory, and my sponsor kept telling me, "you know, you're taking your own, doncha?" Man, that made me mad when she said that.
I would argue sometimes, I couldn't relate at all to my husbands lying until she asked me if I had ever lied.. the key word being "EVER." And it wasn't about playing God and deciding whose lie was bigger, it was just about whether or not I had ever lied. She went so far as to say that my gossiping was like murder... I was committing character assassination of another person. I had never considered the harm I was doing someone, that I was actually destroying them and their reputation with my gossip... I was always so self-righteous in my anger and revenge.
The fact that I know this all today, and yet, I can still do it sometimes...!!!! My ego loves to make myself a plus and everyone else a minus. I am very capable of justifying, rationalizing and defending my Self.
It is so important for me to stay in the rooms of recovery, to stay connected to a fellowship of equals, where I can remember I am as human as the next person and where I can develop my compassion for others, as well as for myself.
When I look at my growth in the program, I can see how absolutely necessary it was for me to learn humility.. and to stay humble. I recently read, that the ego believes humility and self-esteem are contradictory. In truth, they are one and the same. As a person who had little or no self-esteem when I crawled into these rooms, I can now see the truth in that. Funny thing is, when I feel equal to the human race... I like myself more! And people seem to like me more too.
My motivation for avoiding judgement today, is that I know when I see "ego" in someone else, it merely strengthens my own. Who is seeing ego in another? My ego!! My judgement holds a mirror for me.... and here I am, trying my very best!
yep.......... isn't everyone? Even the alcoholic laying in the gutter.
Thanks for the post.
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 15th of January 2011 10:31:26 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 15th of January 2011 12:43:37 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Great topic and answers. I thought before al anon I had a six sense I had compassion for the whole world, could put myself in a persons shoes see the good in all. As shared I had a motive I looked good, they owed me. All really happened was I attracted sick people and got hurt.
Today I am trying really hard to mind my own business, to respect others to solve their own problems and to not judge as I have many shortcomings I need to correct. Some days I can do better than other, but I know as long as I am in al anon and connecting with HP I am moving in the right direction.
I experienced the greatess compassion today from an old dear friend who has many quite large problems of her own at the moment. She is a very authentic person who is always herself (warts, bad moods & all) and I am fortunate that she is terribly honest with me about her life experiences. She has a new late unexpected baby and her and her husband have to sell their dream home to afford the new addition to their family. I hope in my heart that I am able to extend compassion in a humble frank way as she did to me today, to not scorn and scold and judge but just to be understanding of the hurt and the pain, true compassion
