The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling very overwhelmed. My husband and I just realized that he is an Alcoholic. I am just starting to get into AL-Anon, I haven't even went to my 1st f2f Al-Anon meeting yet. I will, but right now I am feeling very overwhelmed with things in my life. I keep reading that we need to focus on ourselves and take care of ourselves, but honestly I have 2 small boys to take care of, I work full time, and I can't rely on my husband for much of anything right now. I barely have enough time in the day to get the normal things done. At the end of the day I am exhausted and need my sleep in order to wake up and do it all over again the next day. For me spending time with my 2 adorable little boys helps to cheer me up. Lately I am trying to exercise after the boys are put to bed and I try to relax by reading a good book (which very soon -when I can afford it- will be one of the recommended books I have heard about on here), but is that really taking care of me?? I am very frustrated and angry at this whole situation. I know it is not realistic, but I want an instant fix. I know this will take time, but I think we let this go on for too long and I am at a breaking point; I just don't know how much more of it I can handle. Something has got to give, but what?? I don't want it to be me that breaks. I know the answers will come, that I just need to be patient, AL-Anon I'm sure will help. But what do I do in the mean time? Sorry! I know to those of you who have been where I am right now I probably sound completely impatient, irrational, and pessimistic.
If a meeting is impossible to get to, your still in the right place.
We have meetings on this board, there is the chat room, all the information you need is on this board.
All the members here , including me have dealt with an alcoholic in their life. All you have to do is take 10 or 15 minutes of your day to click on. I know the day to day living can be exhausting, but so can living with an alcoholic.
Nobody here is judging you, we have all been where you are at, there is no quick fix to the problem, but I know if you read everyone's experiences you can learn some principles of Alanon and apply them in your daily life. You will start feeling better. Its up to you, "Nothing changes, if nothing changes."
You can ask questions, read, vent, were here to support you.
You'll also find that things get easier when you leave your husband's problem to him. I know when I started I had no idea how much I was trying to control my wife and how much I was trying to stop her from drinking. Things are not perfect now but they are easier. You did the right thing coming in. Keep coming back and good luck...
thanks for the replys. I know things aren't going to get better overnight. It took us a while to get where we are now and it will take a while for us to get back to "normal", although I really don't think things will ever quite make it back to "normal", it is always going to be different from here on out.
usedtobeanyer, I don't think I am "currently" trying to control my AH's drinking, I know I use to try and influence him, but I haven't since we realized he was an alcoholic. I do know that he has to want to get better before he will actually get better. That is not to say I won't fall back into trying to influence him again, but I honestly will try not to.
I do have a question for those of you who have been where I am. I have read several places that it's the disease/sickness that makes them act certain ways or do certain things; does that mean they get a free pass to treat us as if we mean nothing to them or ignore their sarcastic/snide comments? When they get irritable or short with us are we just suppose to ignore it and move on? I know I am lucky because my AH never gets physically or even emotionally abusive, but he gets in such a foul mood, it rubs off on me. I try to be upbeat and ignore it, but after an hour or 2 of snide comments or just his generally pissy mood, it gets to me and then I become short with him. What really gets to me is when he gets short with our 3.5yr old, who just wants to play with daddy. But no daddy doesn't feel like it or he is too busy (laying on the couch) or too tired. I am tired alot and there are alot of things that I don't always feel like doing, but I do them anyway because sometime you just have to. My kids mean the world to me, I would do anything for them; so yea when our 3.5yr old wants to play (even if I don't necessarily) I will play with him.
When I started out and was in the type of position you are I did a few things. I put my f2f meetings as my top priority. I still do. The first thing I needed to do to better the situation is better myself. I also took half an hour every morning to read, pray and meditate. I don't always really have the time....I take it.
I got inventive with my young child. I was always with him, but he also had to become more independent in his play. He was used to mom always playing with him. I made some play dough and had him mould things while I was cooking or reading. I did that with lots of different types of activities so I could get things done. He would hold up what he made and I would give my positive feedback, always asking what he was going to do next. That bought me lots of time and I was still interacting with him. I did learn to be more careful as well about indulging my child every time HE wanted to play with me. I also wanted a balance where he learned that mom is important too and he needs to entertain himself for a while. I used a timer at first for short periods to aid in that.
I monitored my time for about a month to see where my time was really going. Too much was going on my house and child, not enough on me. For a few months the only two rooms that stayed clean were my kitchen and bathroom.
I shut down at 9:00 pm regardless of what is done and take an hour to myself to do whatever I want.
My A does things due to his sickness that are not acceptable to me. He recently aquired $700.00 worth of photo speeding tickets under my registration. I found out when I went to reguster my vehicle again. As an A he requires instant gratification all of the time. Play now and pay later attitude which is what caused the tickets to not get paid and to add up to that amount. That is his to pay and comes out of his personal spending money. He also no longer has a key to my vehicle and cannot drive it. I set lots of boundaries on a regular basis.
I also remember when my A was not there for my children. In working my program I am emotionally able to take on that role. I can also be grateful of the strong bond that allows me to obtain with my children. I keep our son busy so he rarely asks about dad doing anything.
The pissy mood you speak of is what really drove me crazy along with the other crappy behaviors. My al-anon program has aided me in dealing with that. There are times like yesterday when I wonder how long I can deal with a dry drunk and it starts to get to me. Not bad though since that is the first time in a month I started to get down. Before Al-anon I would have been down every day.
thanks clep, those are some great ideas. And I will honestly give them a try. I have 2 small boys, 1 is 3.5yrs old the other is 10months old. Being inventive with the 3.5yr old will be easier, I try doing that already since Ihave to feed the baby, give the baby a bath, cook dinner, put to sleep, etc. So he is already pretty independent, but the baby not so much yet. While my older son is coloring, building with his blocks, playing with play doh or whatever I am trying to get other things accomplished (I do like you said I compliment his work and try talking to him while i do other stuff just so he feels like I am involved in his play). While all of this is going on I can hear my son asking daddy to color with him build with him or whatever, very rarely does AH actually indulge our son, so once I have accomplished what I needed to get done, I feel like our son has been pretty much ignored so I want to spend one on one time with him. Then when bed time rolls around (which with my 3.5yr old can take forever to go to sleep) and the kids are both in bed, that is my time! It is limited, but I try to make good use of it.
Hopefully I can learn to deal with the moods, but right now it is all I can do to bite my tongue. I know being pissy back will not accomplish anything and could actually escalate things, but damn its hard.
I came into this program looking for a quick fix for my son...i got set straight very quickly. Hmm i had to take care of me...did not understand how that would help but i was desperate, broken into a million pieces and considered myself truly hopeless. But i stayed purely because i couldn't stand the misery one more day. So I read the 12 steps...they all seemed reasonable and I agreed with all of them so I decided that I could get on the fast track and do the 12 steps in 12 weeks no problem. Um yea that didn't work out to well for me. There was/is no quick fix, it's a life long program...and to keep my sanity i intend to be her the rest of my life. In working the program at least for me, i changed my whole lifestyle. I'd no idea just how sick i was when i got here, but I can now say I was just as if not sicker than my son. So not working the program is not an option for me. I know you want recovery and you want things fixed like yesterday and i wish i could say it worked that way..it just doesn't. But you have taken a wonderful first step and i totally get how busy you are just trying to make it through the day...but in working the program i think you will learn how to work in a little time to take care of yourself Wishing you the best Blessings
-- Edited by xeno59 on Friday 14th of January 2011 08:16:44 PM
