The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As some of you know my A is a dry drunk. I work my program very consistently and haven't felt frustrated for about a month.
Today I feel very frustrated. I think because it just dawned on me that there seems to be no bottom with a dry drunk and I will have to live with this behavior as long as I am with him.
We just had a conversation where I let him know I am frustrated with the lies and deception. Of course he wanted me to detail what he his lying about which I wouldn't. Been there, done that before and it went nowhere. He knows what he is lying about, I don't have to tell him.
The conversation wasn't long and he did let me know he no longer wants anything to do with the self righteous jerks in AA.
Maybe he will just go out and go on a long bender to hit bottom again and get back to AA. Maybe he will just stay a dry drunk for a long time. That thought does not bring warm fuzzy feelings.
I miss that person that was in an honest program.
The idea of living with a dry drunk long term is not at all appealing to me.
Thanks for your post because it speaks to fears I also have right now. I know it's not an easy or rosy situation, but at least in looking at it honestly, you are not allowing yourself to be in denial about how YOU feel. This takes a lot of courage and honesty. We didn't cause, can't control and can't cure our alcoholics, but we have choices about how and whether we live with them. Yet going through this is easier said than done. I wish you luck and recovery for you both, and if it's just you, I wish for you the ability to go as far as you want/need with your recovery. :o)
Its ok to feel frustrated and every emotion you are feeling, we have all been there.
I wish I had a dime for all my wishful thinking that suddenly my XAH would be the man I married, imagine he was drunk when I married him too, but not as bad as he had progressed.
Sometimes we have to make the decision to either move on or really accept the disease for what it is. I separated from my husband, filed for divorce, but something weird happened, the government closed down the office where I filed(so I thought I best leave things alone).Dont mess with the Universe. Its been 2 1/2 years and Im content with my life the way it is at this moment. I only wanted to be married to a man I loved very much and for him to be sober. I would not budge from that ....but now I see that life is not all black and white. This man cheated on and had children with another woman. I had a stroke over it, but recovered very quickly. I thought I could never forgive this man. but I stuck with Alanon and my faith and realized that its not about my will. You cannot force an outcome. Then it becomes about loosing ourselves and just wanting what we want because its what we want. We cant see it anyother way. Today I am good friends with the XAH, I have forgiven him because thats good for me. I really see him as a sick person , that always will have to carry the weight of this disease. When I let him go, what wondeful thing happened to him, it didnt happen over nite, but He went into sober living and he started a new job today. When we dig deeper and really care about the ones we love, we want to do whats best for ourselves and them, then we all win.
Please read Jerry F. post "I didnt know , that I didnt know" it is so powerful, I thank him so much for his wisdom and experience. Read it again and again.
Wishing you luv and hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 13th of January 2011 09:11:19 PM
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You know I never thought about what is rock bottom for a dry dunk. Good question. In the mean time, Pipers and I are sending you positive thoughts and hugs. Here's hoping things settle down for you. You'll know what to do when the time is right. Meanwhile, stick to your program and keep coming back to us. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
