The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife & I correspond throughout the day via e-mail and text. When she was actively drinking, I usually could get a sense that something was wrong by her e-mails to me (or lack of e-mails).
We had a bunch of snow last night and before I left for work I shoveled our driveway and shoveled out her car. I got an e-mail from her today, late morning that said "thanks for shoveling, you are awesome". The "you are awesome" part is so unlike my wife, and I instantly felt myself get anxious and tense and started to slip into the old worry mode.
But then I stopped, and I took it for what it was--a nice thank you from my wife, a sign that she appreciated something I did. Nothing more (well maybe something more, but nothing negative). And it felt good. It felt good to not worry, and it felt good to see that things are moving in the right direction.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that in order for things to change, they have to change. Sounds silly I know but it's important for me to remember that. There has to be a new "normal". For me.
This whole somewhat insignificant experience also made me realize how sick I was and really still am. Three little words on a computer screen can cause me to respond in such an irrational way. I caught myself though, and I'm happy about that. Little, teeny, tiny, babysteps.
ABF and I don't live together and are in the habit of emailing back and forth throughout the day also. He works from a home office, so every time he was very late in responding to my first email of the morning, I would start to worry that he was drinking.
Then, once he was on one of his binge relapses, I would be sitting at my desk fretting and worrying, anxiously awaiting that first reply so that I would know that he was alive.
He had a really odd habit of quoting poetry in his emails to his best friend and I when he was drinking (and never at any other time), so poetry became a "sign" that he had relapsed. We have a running joke about it -- I'll say to him, "Don't you dare send me poetry, or I'll think you're drinking!"
Of course, he hasn't relapsed since I started attending Al-Anon, so I've had no opportunity to really test my new tools. But I do know I'm not nearly so anxious while awaiting that first email of the day, even if it comes very late.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
"This whole somewhat insignificant experience also made me realize how sick I was and really still am. Three little words on a computer screen can cause me to respond in such an irrational way. I caught myself though, and I'm happy about that. Little, teeny, tiny, babysteps."
I don't think this is so insignificant, Usetobe. I see it as significant growth, unusual growth for you and your wife. Three little words that can flip me on my head means I've on notice to investigate and grow. "...and I'm happy about that." Go really cellabrate the positive change. Don't happy feel soooo good?...
Was a bit discouraged when I got home and found that something was not quite "right" with my wife. Don't know if she drank today or what, but she was asleep on the couch while our 4 year old was playing on my wife's computer and our 2 year old was in his bed, crying. So the progress I felt was hanging by a small thread...the very first thought that came into my head was "ah, so I wasn't over reacting to those 3 small words on my computer screen--something indeed wasn't right!". And I did the old tricks--searched her purse, searched the trash...and found nothing. She slept another 45 minutes or so after I got home. How long was she sleeping before then? How long was our son crying alone in his bed? How long was our daughter left to amuse herself alone? I don't know (I will say both kids seemed fine when I got home--our son was perfectly happy when I got him and our daughter seemed to be not at all phased by what had happened). She woke up and seemed sober but sleepy. I told her I was alarmed to come home and find her asleep. She got a bit defensive but then acknowledged that was probably not a good thing.
This has thrown me for a loop...but trying to keep myself together and maintain what I felt earlier...I will pat myself gently on the back as my response to the situation was not ideal, but was 100% improved from what it would have been just a few short months ago.
