Went to my first meeting, have some questions - Al-Anon Family Group

Angeliki · Member

Went to my first meeting, have some questions

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Other people have many more years with Al-Anon so I look forward to their answers. These are just my thoughts. One thing is that Al-Anon is very careful to emphasize that we shouldn't give advice. Because everyone's situation is different and you have to be inside a situation to really know what's going on. And it shouldn't just devolve into a "What should I do about X?" "You should do Y and Z and if not you're not following the program." That could be harmful. And it's more helpful for people to figure out how to apply the program to their lives, not to just follow someone's instructions.

The meetings run without "cross-talk" (people replying specifically to each other) for this reason. But when you've heard other people's stories and how they cope as they work their program, you start to see how the program works in people's lives, and to be able to apply it to your own life. Also, there's the "meeting after the meeting," when people stay around and talk to each other. That can be an important source of support.

I think the dedication in working the program goes up when you get a sponsor. She helps you work through the steps one by one and you can ask a lot of questions and get the benefit of wisdom in a more concentrated way.

I'm so glad you were able to get to a meeting. I look forward to what other people have to say.

Phoe · Member

What Mattie said.

The purpose of Al-Anon and of meetings is not to tell you what to do. However, you will learn to use the tools of Al-Anon to work on yourself and therefore better your own personal situation. You cannot fix your A...all you can do is work on yourself and gain your serenity. Listen to me...'all' you can do. That's a huge thing!

As far as learning to set boundaries and practice detachment with love, read the literature. Keep going to meetings. Talk to other members. I know it feels strange to call someone you've only met once and whose last name you don't even know, but really, it's ok. They didn't give you their phone numbers because they don't want you to call. If the person you call can't talk to you right then, it's nothing personal. Just call the next person.

It really *does* work if you work it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In meetings we share our experiences. Thereby we learn from others experiences.

After meetings it is very ok to ask for what you are wondering. Also literature will help so much.

I found,volume one of "Getting Them Sober" and it was a huge moment for me. I still use that book. It answers so many things.

Also many times after we get to know each other, or at the beginning, people meet up somewhere to talk.

When I went I was given a phone number and first name of everyone. This is a good way also to talk things out.

One thing nice about the message board is you can ask questions. We can also go to PM if we feel we want to share more than we can on the board. Or you can contact people pm too.

My best friend now is one I met here at MIP in the chat room, then pm.

I hope you keep going to meetings. It will get more and more comfy and you will start seeing more of what you need answered. Plus when you find a sponsor that is great too.

Great question! love,deb

Angeliki · Member

Thanks guys. What literature do you recommend? In the meeting they were reading Courage to Change. Is it the same for all meetings or just that particular one? They didn't have any books to give me and its $14.50 at the link below so didn't want to order if it I am not going to use it.

I do have Getting Them Sober and I am finding that very helpful as far as practical advice, which is what I need!! But I still have so many questions.. I guess I will just try to keep going and see if they get answered and if not, maybe I will form a relationship there that will help.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I was told at one time, I have to take my mess to my sponsor, who will give me guidence and direction based on solid suggestions from his own personal experience, and take my MESSAGE to the meetings... so after I talk to my sponsor, I caan bring up step 1, (Powerlessness) or 3(turning it over) or 9 (making amends), and listen to how other people apply these steps to their daily lives. I was told the meetings are not a dumping ground, but a place where we can share the solution, and not focus on the problem. We focused on it with our sponsors, and we all already know the problem... we come together to find the solution with eachothers support via the sharing of personal experience, strength and hope that is the result of working this program.

Just my two cents.

Please keep comin' back, it is a very simple program for people that like to complicate the heck out of every thing... like me.

John

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Angeliki...I read the responses here and they are exactly what was given to
me and how early program worked when I first got here in 79. Sponsorship and
telephone useage is difficult and with practice gets much easier. I found that when
my esteem was higher I had less problems using both...fear was down.   I suggest
you look into the literature table if they have one...if they don't ask them where the
literature is kept...nother meeting? or what?.   Lots of awarenesses come out of the
individual pamphlets and many of those are free (good for newbies). Merry Go
Round called Denial is a beauty, So you love an alcoholic is another etc...As for them
and go get them. I hope you are not starting with the idea of leaving already cause
I did that and dang if things didn't get worse as was promised me...MUCH WORSE.
Try living in the the Now...the day only and taking this one day at a time. Don't
get stuck in the past or too far into the future..neither are reality right now.

Keep coming back...great first attempt. Don't fear the tears cause that is why you
have tear glands which have connections to your heart.   ((((hugs)))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome ,what you experienced was respect for each other , when people talk after someone shares it is considered crosstalk and most meetings dont allow that .. think about it when was the last time anyone listened to you without giving advice or telling you that you were over reacting or tell you to stop crying ? we dont give advice ,strong suggestions occasionally yes and I do understand your being uncomfortable with the silence I was the same when i first came to program took me awhile to understand that I was getting respect for the first time in a long time people actually listened .. perhaps someone in the group goes for coffee after if they do join them its a place to ask the questions you dont feel comfortable asking at group level . we call it the meeting after the meeting in our area and all of our groups go for coffee or in one case after a morning meeting we all go out for lunch .. keep going keep the focus on yourself and your goin to be just fine . Our Odat - one day at a time is a daily reader its perfect for newcommers ,especially july 14th reading . Al-Anon How it works is great has alittle bit of everything , and for me a Detachment pamphlet was a must .. goodluck Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 11th of January 2011 06:14:05 PM

wifeofalcoholic · Senior Member

I felt the same way when I went to my first meeting. I thought, "everyone is talking and no one is sharing with anyone else." In time, I realized that would cause mass chaos with everybody's opinions flying back and forth. I like to read One Day at a Time and The Courage to Change. The suggestions to stay after and get a sponsor are very important. We also encourage newcomers to have a "one on one" meeting with a member. Was that offered to you? Maybe you can request that. Keep going to as many meetings as you can.

-- Edited by wifeofalcoholic on Tuesday 11th of January 2011 07:29:16 PM

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, the environment takes a meeting or two to get used to. "Cross-talk" is offering advice or feedback to someone after they have shared. Most group moderators really enforce the no cross-talk policy - even if the person is simply providing feedback on someone else's share and not giving advice.

In my opinion, a benefit of the policy is to allow me to find my own solutions. If I hear someone share a problem they are having and then hear them share what they did that worked to help themselves, I may be having that same problem and not have tried what they tried. I am able to make the decision for myself whether to try what has worked for someone else. See, part of my sickness was that I had no identity of my own. I had no ability to decide what I wanted or needed, or to make decisions about my own mental health. Before I got the program, I spent a large majority of my time complaining about the various alcoholics in my life and how bad they treated me and all the stuff THEY did. I always asked everyone that would listen to me for advice, and then never took any of it. I was incapable of figuring out what I wanted or needed. The way the program works has really helped me to start thinking about my own needs. Usually these days, I DO try the things other people have said worked for them with respect to a particular problem, because what got me into the rooms of Alanon was that everything I'd ever tried (and even tried repeatedly) didn't work at all. I needed a new bag of tools because all of mine were broken.

A sponsor/sponsee relationship would be where you would get more direct advice. While the sponsor will not make decisions for you, he/she (it is suggested that your sponsor be of your same sex) can listen to specifically what you are dealing with and then encourage you, call your bullshit, or give suggestions ... none of these things are allowed in meetings because of the no crosstalk policy.

Hope this helps! Glad you went to your first f2f meeting, and hope you will go to many more. Good to "see" you here as well!

Summer

-- Edited by White Rabbit on Tuesday 11th of January 2011 08:57:30 PM

1911A1 · Senior Member

Crosstalk (direct, conversational response to another's share) is discouraged in 12-Step groups. This is a fundamental concept, in fact, because crosstalk can wind up shutting others out.

It is a bit unsettling at first, but soon enough one sees the wisdom in just allowing each person to have their turn, listen to what they have to say without having to think about a response, and being able to discover the gems of wisdom that others' experience, strength and hope can impart.

Keep coming (going) back; you'll be so glad you did!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.