A newbie looking for guidance - Al-Anon Family Group

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

A newbie looking for guidance

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome!!

My first thought was to ask you,"What do YOU want?" "What do you want your life to look like?"

I know for me I LOVE questions as they make me think, also I means someone cares. I do care.

You are right, what an A says in active using is insanity. I always picture not the A saying it but the disease saying it. Disease being Pac Man. Just does not matter what disease says.

My concern was him driving when he is using. HUGE concern for me. Its my experience to never allow the kids to be in vehicle with them, nor would I leave them alone with them.

I am so glad you are going to meetings!! That is so great! Have you read, "Getting Them Sober?" volume one. sooo good and helpful.

My way was as I said, I learned to not give the A disease bolony any energy or thought. BUT when it got so bad Al Anon skills were not enough for me to live with it, I had him leave or he would leave.

I am so sad he is cheating on top of being an A. That is so hurtful.

I hope you know you are part of a family here at MIP. Hope you keep coming.

hugs,debilyn

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello there , welcome to Alanon,

Also with the XAH for 26 years, with the constant heavy drinking and the affairs. I really didnt know about the affairs thru the years, nothing proven, until one of them turned up with twins that were his. I separated from him, its been 2 1/2 years. I love this man too, but I love myself more.

It wasnt just the affairs that made me separate, it was also all the chaos, the drama's, the trips to the ER, he was near death so many times. The thing I realized was Alcohol was his lover and how much he needed to get sober . The affairs are nothing compared to what this disease is. Meanwhile, we grow tired and weary and we dont even have the energy to cope.
This is why we must focus on ourselves and our recovery as well, as we grow sick with them.

What Alanon offers is a chance to get educated about this disease thru the fellowship's experiences and the Steps that help us along the way. #1 step being most important
"We admitted we are powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable", the key to your peace and serenity, but a step most difficult to get.

We invite you to please come back to our board and listen and read and learn before making any decisions, keep attending Alanon face to face meetings in your community. I really believe that the Alcoholics wants to do their best toward us, but they just cant.

Keep coming back, this program works if you work it.

Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 11th of January 2011 02:32:38 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry you are going through this. You are in the right place.

Remember that the disease will do anything to protect itself. A's think that Al-Anon is all about them (isn't everything all about them?), and that we're spending all our time trying to change them. When really Al-Anon is about taking the focus off them and starting to change our own lives. But of course he'll want to discourage you from going to Al-Anon, because it looks like a threat to him.

A whole lot of us have grown up to be people-pleasers, trying to make other people happy. Sometimes that interferes with our own well-being. I would say that if you're doing what's right for you, he doesn't have to approve of it. It sounds as if you're very anxious that it be okay with him? That means he keeps control -- all he has to do is disapprove of it. But it sounds as if you're going to meetings whether or not he approves, and that's taking care of yourself. I don't know if I'm making sense. I think my point was that if we wait for them to approve of our healthy choices, sometimes we could be waiting till the end of time. But we still should be making healthy choices.

Hugs to you.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi I am so glad that you went to a meeting they say in al anon try 6 if it is not for you , you can have your misery back. I did not want my misery to continue so kept going and WOW things are so much better today.

I do not go to al anon for anyone but me. I was so unhappy going insane. Luckily my partner never challenged me going to al anon but other members of my family thought I was nuts. At first I tried to convince them how great it was and how it has basically saved my life. Today I know i am powerless over others and that it is my responsibility to take care of me, love me, make my own happiness.

I am so glad in all of this chaos you are doing something positive for you. My children have benefited lso as they have a happier mother today. You are not alone your husband is sick would you run into the road if a mentally ill person told you to,
hope you do what is right for you

hugs

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned how to look at the whole picture with a couple pounds of humor. Which
BS was he speaking about...his or your Al-Anon meeting? Funny. I've worked
with abusive men as a counselor and mental, emotional abuse is real and a real
part of the disease of alcoholism. He is really fearful when he trying to read your
mind by thinking what you're thinking. That's not a sign of being well put together
and rather a sign of being fearful, confused and suspicious.

Come to where we are at and get yourself put back together in recovery. As that
happens watch what happens to him if you have time. It's a part of the lesson of
recovery and the miracle. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Thank you for all of the warm welcomes. And thank you, Jerry F, for making me smile.

What I want: my path still isn't clear. I want to be healthy and I want not to hurt anymore. How to get there: Well, Al-Anon is one of the steps I'm taking, along with therapy and yoga.

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

I too came when I was tired of being tired.

The focus is now going to be on your healing, I look at this program as literally a survival kit.

Active A's aren't comfortable it seems when now you have clearer thinking. Their lies and games are suddenly being challenged.

It took me months and months to find humor again, but the day it came back an old timer helped me realize I was waking up from the emotional coma I had been in.

Welcome, welcome. You are in the right place. Keep coming back!!

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Thank you, Peggy.

I went to another face-to-face Al-Anon meeting last night. In all the turmoil in my life and everyone's lives, it amazes me how the time in the meeting helped me walk away with a renewed sense of peace and calmness. The meeting truly quieted my roving thoughts.

And as I'm learning, it only takes one person to say one thing to shift my thinking. I was focusing on the negative side of my AH's comment: his disapproval of my going to Al-Anon. I was missing the positive side: he is taking care of the kids so I can go.

Today, I'm choosing the positive focus.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.