Okay, I was hoping that maybe my son's time away would allow me to start again.  And yes, i was hoping his heart may have been touched too... Problem is chaos started before I could even see him in the first 24hrs, and I find myself back where I left off.  So, I grabbed my Courage to Change book and read all of the readings of Step 1.  I am powerless.

I remember when I first came to this board, and the heavy feelings and problems that I had, and thought would last forever.  Actually, I didn't necessarily think they would last forever, but I didn't think of them going away or evolving into something else either.  The more time in the program, the more I understand the slogans, their purpose and thier necessity for a manageable life.  Everything changes.  Everything. Always.  For this reason, taking each day as it comes, "One Day At A Time", speaks volumes to me.  For me, these two go together.  I get it now.

My family situation sucks right now. It is an entirely different situation, but in some ways just about as dysfunctional and sick as it was four years ago.  The players are different now.  My exAH is now sitting on the other end with me as we try to mangage the unmanageable. My 17 yr old, though not necessarily an A in consumption, has all the behaviors down spot-on. Is it normal teenage behavior or is it disease? I don't know, I just know I need to deal with it.  My 13 yr old daughter feels lost and unimportant, desiring just a shred of the attention her brother is getting from both families.  I need to give her more, I just haven't figured out how.  Ok, a day at a time, right? 

We are legally responsible for my son for 6 more months.  He's made it pretty clear we cannot control what he does, and believe me, we have we tried with very little success.  So, what can I do?  I can talk less (this is a big one!), I can start working the weekend days my ex has the kids and take a couple days off in the week,  my ex has agreed to help in the mornings so I can go in earlier and get home earlier, I need to avoid going to the store after work so I can get home earlier (planning ahead is a tough one for me).  I need to stay in this program, talk to my sponsor, get to meetings, and read, read and read some more. 

This was quite the rambling, I know, it is 3:50 in them morning afterall.   Heavy thoughts don't make for good sleep, ya know?  Lots of guilt, some from me, lots piled on by my son last night.  Thank goodness there were enough crazy, irrational things said that lessened the weight of the ones that rang true in my heart. A random little gem of wisdom here from the school of hard knocks (gotta share it wihile I am thnking of it) -  When everything was new and raw, admist the struggle of what is right to do and what is wrong, it was so difficult to keep the kids completely out of it.   Words were said out of protection, defensiveness, righteousness, anger, fear, whatever...  well, ya know what?  As the kids mature and grow and become more worldly and verbally savvy, those words can come  back and bite you in the butt.  

A few more hours to rest and I get to begin again. My do-over.  I pray to God (my HP) to guide me and show me how to be.

Thank you for being here, my friends,

Lou